Oct 23 2008

Treadmills for children!

Published by at 3:00 am under I Don't Get It,Why?!?

Seriously? Huh? Not possible! NOT POSSIBLE! Someone wake me from this nightmare!

If you buy a treadmill for your child DCFS should remove them from your home and you should be immediately sterilized by a brutal smashing of said treadmill to your baby maker.

Just like when I discussed baby helmets, I am only referring to people who put normal, healthy kids on a treadmill. If they need baby-sized treadmills for some sort of physical therapy that’s fine, but if you would rather see your dumb kid taking a walk in your living room rather than playing outside like a normal human then there is something wrong with you and soon there will be something wrong with your child.

If my child asked me for one of these contraptions I would make them live outside in the wild for a week as punishment. Think of all the exercise little Bobby would get foraging for berries and building rudimentary shelters. Perhaps he will have to run from a family of rabid raccoons, I don’t know but that kid is going to lose at least 8 lbs without the aid of a god damn treadmill. Problem solved.

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21 comments so far

21 comments to “Treadmills for children!”

  1. Peteon 23 Oct 2008 at 7:47 am

    You got that right! Back when I was a kid, we played with each other outside in the yards. We didn’t have toys–instead, we threw rocks and sticks at each other, and we LOVED it. Kids don’t know that hubris these days; they can’t play freely in most neighborhoods for fear they’ll be abducted and molested! Still, that’s no reason to not play outside or at a park, or on a local youth sports team. Indoor nautilus machines for children is insipid!

  2. Creature of Habiton 23 Oct 2008 at 7:55 am

    Please, please tell me this is not real. Please tell me this was photoshopped…..


  3. LLGon 23 Oct 2008 at 9:11 am

    I second Creature of Habit. It’s not real. Can’t be real. Shouldn’t be real.

  4. You Just Made My List!on 23 Oct 2008 at 9:27 am

    Pete – When I was a kid my mom pushed me out the door and said “just be home for dinner, not get out of here mommy needs her nap” and it was awesome. Also, the truth is crimes against children like abduction are actually down from decades past but people’s perception of crime is up thanks to the news always trying to scare us. It is still plenty safe for a kid to play outside.

  5. SanFranon 23 Oct 2008 at 10:22 am


    This is asinine, end of story. No adult in their right (or left) mind uses most of the at-home fitness equipment they buy – turning most of it into super fancy clothes drying racks in basements across America. For some reason, I don’t think any kid, with their limited attention span, would use such a contraption. Do you know someone who actually uses any of this stuff? Exercising indoors is mind numbing, and I liken it to decaffeinated coffee or non-alcoholic beer… they’re for people who just like to pee.

    I can’t agree more: nothing beats getting outside. We didn’t have video games, we had our imaginations and free reign of our domain. Granted, this is a benefit of growing up on Cape Cod – I realize there are issues in the cities that we didn’t deal with. It’s up to parents though to enable and encourage their kids to take in the splendor that is the great outdoors.

    Do any of you remember that many obese kids growing up in the ages before video games and prolific TV usage? I can’t.

    My wife and I were in the South of France last year, and noted that there were so many more kids… families… outside, hanging out or running around. We have photos of an ambush by a gang of water-gun toting kids who launched a well-executed attack on some fat american tourists… Priceless.

    Anyhow, exercise isn’t just about going through some motions – it’s more about the infusion of fresh air – the sights, sounds and the feel of aggregate under foot… But you know that – I’m just sayin’.

  6. You Just Made My List!on 23 Oct 2008 at 10:32 am

    SanFran – I just attended my 20 year high school reunion and the after math has been a flood of traded photos on facebook. It has allowed me to see all of my old grade school class photos and I realized we had EXACTLY 1 overweight kid. ONE!

    All I did when I was a kid was play outside. It didn’t matter if it was the hottest day of the year or a freezing winter night, I was always playing and exploring. It was awesome. My mom would literally have to beg me to come inside and stop playing. It’s not only good for your body it’s good for you mind.

    I don’t know why so many parents my age seem to have forgotten this.

  7. Neishon 23 Oct 2008 at 12:47 pm

    Oh but it’s so much easier to just have little Jimmy stay inside, watch TV and tie a twinky on a stick and dangle it in front of him so he might use the treadmill and move while he watches his 8 hours of TV a day.

    It’s not that the parents are committing a crime of douchebaggery poshness, they just can’t figure out how to make their child enjoy physical activity. So why not let them spend all their money on inventions and quick fixes than say, enroll their kid in hockey and force them to stay on the team even if they cry so hard they throw up?

  8. You Just Made My List!on 23 Oct 2008 at 12:59 pm

    Neish – the twinkie on a stick cracked me up!

  9. guilty noodleson 23 Oct 2008 at 1:07 pm

    When I went to visit my brother and his wife, I witnessed the worst thing.

    Their oldest son, who was 8 at the time, had a treadmill IN HIS ROOM. As in, the poor child slept in his bed with the treadmill right next to him. It was the first thing he saw when he woke up.

    My mother to this day, tells my nephew how much more handsome he would be if he lost some more weight. I tell my nephew that my mom should’ve been locked up a long time ago and he shouldn’t listen to her. The woman tells me I’m fat and I weigh a mere 90 pounds.

  10. Peteon 23 Oct 2008 at 1:20 pm

    YJMML–yes, that’s how it was when I was a kid. My mom didn’t want us in the house until the streetlights came on. In the summer, we’d play outside even longer. Of course, by age 10 I had a paper route and was working outside in addition to play. I wasn’t aware of the stats on abduction. Even if such crimes have dropped, sadly I cannot let my 9-year old daughter simply wander in our neighborood. None of her schoolmates or other kids leave nearby, and although the closest park is only two blocks away, we live by a busy street and frankly I don’t trust people. I was lucky to grow up in a neighborhood in kids my age living in every other house, and all the backyards connected with one another. We’d literally be playing on the land in the center of our block, the interior, so we didn’t have to worry so much about interloping pedophile maniacs.

  11. You Just Made My List!on 23 Oct 2008 at 1:21 pm

    yeah, an 8 year old should not need a treadmill. I probably burned about 30,000 calories a day when I was a kid. Until we got cable when I watched Goonies, Fletch and Porky’s approximately 5 times a day. That was only one summer though, I got back outside the next year.

  12. You Just Made My List!on 23 Oct 2008 at 1:24 pm

    Pete – yep, those were the good old days for sure. A great time to be a kid. I think we might be the last generation who got to experience that lifestyle. Sadly.

  13. guilty noodleson 23 Oct 2008 at 1:38 pm

    Um, HELLO? I have a child murderer living on the block behind me (how the hell did he get out?), a sex offender three doors down from me and the city’s largest drug ring two doors down. We have a fenced in yard, but I still won’t leave them alone without adult supervision. Granted, this was not the case when we first moved in, our neighborhood just got worst.

    Thank goodness my neighbors moved out because they would never watch their children and one of their toddlers would roam the block naked and begging for middle aged men to play with him.

  14. Bennon 24 Oct 2008 at 12:58 am

    I was born into the “New Age,” so to speak, and I was never overweight. It’s all up to the kids any more because the parents are too afraid of having their kids be “unhappy” so they spend all of their money on bullshit because they want their kids to be popular.
    What parents don’t understand is that their children look up to them, and if you’re a fat lazy slob of a parent, you’re kid is going to be just as fat and lazy as you are.
    What needs to happen: 1) stop taking your kid out to McDonalds every day and give him/her a fucking salad every once in a while. Start cooking some food you lazy bastards, and quit “saving” money by going to fast food.
    2) Spend some time with your kids. Take them out to a park or something. Throw the kid a damn frisbee, play hide and go seek with them. Kids these days don’t play that enough.
    3) Don’t give your kids the stupd “time out chair.” Spank their fuckin’ ass. It taught me a damn lesson. And so fuckin’ what if it’s “child abuse.” They don’t know that. All you have to do: do it in the privacy of your own damn home and don’t be a moron and do it in the mall.
    And yes, I know I’m not a parent, but I’ve still got some experience and I’m not a fucking idiot.

  15. Bennon 24 Oct 2008 at 1:15 am

    And as for “guilty noodles,” all you have to do is watch your children. That’s a pretty easy thing to do.
    Or you could move. And yes, I do understand that cost of living has gone up, but the cost of moving has gone down. Houses are at an all time low. Well, not “all time,” but they are the lowest they have been since the early 90’s.
    And on top of everything else…I’m sure that you do not live in KCMO. We’ve got the biggest concentration of Meth dealers in the world. Plus, we housed the leading Acid manufacturer in the US. On top of everything else, our jails/prisons are letting the child molestors/rapists/murderers/CRIMINALS out because they are becoming too overpopulated. Not because of good behavior. Yeah, that’s right. Our prisons are letting murderers out because it’s getting too uncomfortable for them.
    So, if you think you’ve got it bad, just look at me, the fine upstanding young man that I am, growing up in the ghetto with meth heads, crack heads, drug dealers, gang bangers and the like. I’m now in college and I’m making $40,000+ a year. At 19. I went outside and PLAYED with the kids. Their parents WERE the murderers and drug dealers.
    Teach your kids morals and it won’t matter who they play with. Teach them manners and it won’t matter what they do. Give them some common sense and they’ll do some good in life.
    Just don’t let your kids go into the other houses, that’s all.

  16. Nickoleon 21 Dec 2010 at 12:59 pm

    WOW!!! My son is two years old and has spastic cerebral palsy. He can not walk and has a hard time supporting his weight due to his ankles. He uses this product to help him with everything. This product is amazing and has helped my son more than I ever thought it would. I also have a 9 year old daughter who likes to have fun and play on this as well!! My children should be taken away from me because I use this product?? The only people who react negative to products like these are uneducated people who dont know the real impact this product can have on a child. Something is really wrong with people in this world!!!
    There are many children, not just special needs children, who would benefit greatly from the use of a treadmill like this one. If you dont want your children to use this product then thats fine, but how dare you say parents should have their children removed from their home because they decide to use it!! You should really see a doctor about your problems!!!!

    O, and also, my son had plagiocephaly and needed to wear a head reshaping helmet to help him! Does that also mean I need to have him taken away from me????

  17. You Just Made My List!on 21 Dec 2010 at 1:30 pm

    Nickole – Did you happen to ACTUALLY READ what I wrote before you began ranting? Here’s a quote for you…

    “Just like when I discussed baby helmets, I am only referring to people who put normal, healthy kids on a treadmill. If they need baby-sized treadmills for some sort of physical therapy that’s fine”

  18. Nickoleon 21 Dec 2010 at 6:42 pm

    Yes, I did. Did you read what I wrote!! “There are many children, not just special needs children, who would benefit greatly from the use of a treadmill like this one. If you dont want your children to use this product then thats fine, but how dare you say parents should have their children removed from their home because they decide to use it!! You should really see a doctor about your problems!!!!”

  19. You Just Made My List!on 21 Dec 2010 at 7:08 pm

    Nickole – Are you really that unaware of obvious sarcasm? Could you possibly be that dumb? Seems like the answer is yes, especially if you think healthy kids need to walk on fucking treadmills. Ridiculous.

  20. Nickoleon 21 Dec 2010 at 7:29 pm

    Actually, I am a very smart and educated person. I am a physical therapist for special needs children. I am working on my degree in Early Childhood Education with a special in Special Needs Children at this time. I have also worked with many children who you use the word “normal” for. There are many reasons and benefits for a “normal” child to use a treadmill.

    Also, not sure if you know it, but there are many other pieces of equipment that go with this treadmill; cycle, twister, elliptical, weight bench, rower, stepper and the rider. I am sure you have something negitive to say about all of these products as well.

    I have read another one of your blogs and I think you need to leave products made for children alone. You are not educated enough to say the things you say about them. I know you are just having fun getting people to fight with you about your topics, but there are many subjects you could cover other then putting down parents for doing what they feel is best for their children.

    Have a good night.

  21. You Just Made My List!on 21 Dec 2010 at 7:36 pm

    Nickole – Sorry, you will never convince me that healthy children need workout equipment. It’s simply insane.