Nov 13 2008

Warts!

Published by at 3:05 am under Why?!?

Yes, I had a wart. Shut up. It was on the side of my pinky finger and I probably got it at the gym when I was blasting my triceps and looking awesome.

Here’s the thing about warts, it took me one full year to get rid of it. A FULL YEAR! I tried everything. I started with a Compound W gel that really just turned the wart white but did nothing. Then I was forced to buy this wart freezing stuff from a super attractive young female pharmacist. That was fun. It froze the wart and hurt like hell but did nothing. I would pick at it with a pair of tweezers and there were a few times I thought it was gone only to watch it slowly grow back.

After about 10 months of trying to eat it away with gels or freeze it off with cold air and after wearing a fucking band-aid on my finger every day for almost a year, I decided to try something crazy that I heard about. Duct tape. Apparently it is a miracle cure for warts but it just seemed too crazy to try. I am happy to say as of last week I am wart free and it was the God damn duct tape that did it!

You will find a lot of duct tape wart removal tips online but here is what worked for me. First of all, there is no magic substance in the glue that kills the wart. Instead, keeping your wart covered in duct tape for several days seals it and keeps it moist and gooey. I would keep a square of tape on my wart under a band-aid for 3 or 4 days at a time. When you remove the tape the skin underneath is white and soft, like you are a corpse floating in a river! Soak it in hot water for a few minutes and then eat away at the wart with a sharp pair of tweezers. Make sure you yank as much of it off as you can. Then, simply repeat several more days/weeks until it looks like the wart is gone. It isn’t, trust me, so keep doing it. Keep taping and digging. The wart will look dark while your “normal” skin will look white. Keep those tweezers munching on that dark stuff until it no longer appears. Don’t forget to sterilize your tweezers each time you use them so you don’t spread the virus.

Is there anything duct tape can’t do? Well, it’s actually pretty bad at sealing ductwork ironically.

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15 comments so far

15 comments to “Warts!”

  1. Creature of Habiton 13 Nov 2008 at 8:05 am

    I honestly wish I could’ve stopped myself from reading this since I have my morning scone and tea sitting here…… wowowowwwwwwwwww…………..

    Now I’m lightheaded. Lol.

  2. You Just Made My List!on 13 Nov 2008 at 9:39 am

    You’re welcome.

  3. SanFranon 13 Nov 2008 at 9:55 am

    Duct tape and tweezers are for pussies, even if you did get the wart in some roid-rage session at the gym.

    I recommend falling off your bike on that ancient pavement/cement mixture with big rocks in it and other raspy aggregate, while screwing around in front of friends after a killer ATB ride by doing kick-outs only to have your back tire fall off the rim when it caught a ridge in the pavement (pressure was super low from the mud riding) and send you flying – It took the wart, which sounds like it was in the same spot as yours, and the rest of the skin off the side of my hand. I also preemptively took the skin off my hip, elbow, shoulder and knee, just in case there might have been more warts. Everybody was laughing at me, because it didn’t look serious, but I was fucked up. Going to the Doctor was fun, too – where he picked out the debris with a saline filled syringe.

    That’s my method.

  4. Stephanieon 13 Nov 2008 at 10:55 am

    I love this. I’m putting it in my favorites.

  5. You Just Made My List!on 13 Nov 2008 at 12:23 pm

    I actually have become kind of insane over this wart. In fact, just this morning I was looking at the area where the wart was and thought maybe I saw something. I literally might be hallucinating at this point. I don’t know what to do.

    I guess it’s time to fire up the scooter and purposely crash at 40 MPH.

  6. Navisionon 13 Nov 2008 at 1:05 pm

    Go to the freaking doctor… they can remove it for a nominal fee… and it will go away! and we won’t have to read about it anymore…

    Yes, I too had a wart from looking awesome at the gym! Or from licking frogs, not sure which.

  7. SanFranon 13 Nov 2008 at 2:51 pm

    What was that movie – it was some sci-fi horror flick. I saw it as a kid in the early 80’s, and was freaked out by one scene in particular where this woman was making dinner for her family in the kitchen, and she was possessed by something. She was chopping carrots, and then proceeded to chop her fingers off, one by each, transfixed on something outside the house. SPOOKY SHIT.

    Dammit the helicopter hovering above my office is annoying.. Might be part of some earthquake drill, or OJ is in town.

  8. rxon 15 Nov 2008 at 12:22 pm

    dude, those bastards are the worst. i had a wart under my big toe for nearly 3 years once, which made no sense because i hadn’t been in a communal shower in 5.

    what’s up with everyone being so grossed out by this? warts are benign!

  9. Xinaon 16 Nov 2008 at 1:34 pm

    I’m sorry sweetheart. After reading this post you are no longer invited to touch my fake boobs. The last thing I need is a nip wart!

  10. You Just Made My List!on 16 Nov 2008 at 2:22 pm

    Xina, it’s not an easy thing to admit to. Can I use my right hand?

  11. Xinaon 16 Nov 2008 at 3:07 pm

    If there are warts on the left who knows what might be on the right hand!

  12. Robon 26 Mar 2012 at 7:16 pm

    Your thoughts were so insightful! Thanks for the information. I also thought you might want to know that your colorful language was distracting and compromised the legitimacy of your thoughts and your intelligence…if that is important to you.

    Cheers

    Rob

  13. You Just Made My List!on 26 Mar 2012 at 7:19 pm

    Rob – Not really.

  14. Jimon 13 Jun 2012 at 3:16 pm

    My method is superglue. Superglue the lil’ bigger then after a few hours peel off the hardened glue and emery board the wart….rinse and repeat. After a week of this the wart disappeared but I was left with a little scar. I tried the doctor and his freezing…worthless…Compound W?..worthless. Superglue?…killed it and It hasn’t returned in 5yrs. I had other,less tough warts on my hands that I removed using the superglue emery board method..It always works.

  15. Mikey Ballbagon 05 Oct 2012 at 4:12 pm

    I had a wart for about 6 months on my middle finger so i just decided to whack off my finger and this solved the problem. I have since had a bionic middle finger implanted with the anti wart armour and i have not had another wart since. This finger is fucking outstanding!!!