You just made my list!

I really have a stick up my ass for super tool and host of The Food Network show ‘Diners, Drive-ins and Dives’ Guy Fieri. If I ever see him walking towards me on the street I’m gonna… well I don’t know if I could even tell if he was walking towards me because the retard wears his sunglasses on the back of his head. Well played Fieri, you are like a cobra!

What do I hate most about this turd, it’s so hard to choose. Is it his wussy, 1996, “Swingers,” rockabilly wardrobe? Maybe it’s his permanent, fake smile and aggressively annoying laugh? The TGI Friday’s commercials? It could be that he ruins what could be one of the only watchable shows on The Food Network. I love to eat at diners and drive-ins but I can’t make it through an episode thanks to this ass.

While I’m at it, let’s throw most of The Food Network on my god damn list. They have a bad habit of hiring the most annoying people on the planet and then giving them about 20 shows each. You can’t turn that channel on without Bobby Flay trying to fight you or Paula Deen trying to eat you.

Guy Fieri and The Food Network, I want a written apology!

Hey kids, gather around, I want to tell you something. Santa Claus is going to die this summer. That’s right, Santa, Mrs. Claus, the elves, the reindeer, the people who take care of the reindeer, Santa’s accountant, his IT guy, their personal chef and the entire staff are all going to fucking drown. Santa’s workshop and home will rip apart and fall into the frigid waters. Tiny, bloated elf corpses will litter the water along with Timmy’s xbox, little Sarah’s Dora the Explorer Springtime Princess doll, Tommy’s Jeff Gordon NASCAR action figure and Susie’s “Baby Looks Sick.”

That’s right, for the first time in, I don’t know, EVER the North Pole might be ice-free this summer. Congratulations everyone, we did it!

Listen up jerks, scientists do not have a political agenda, at least the ones not hired by George Bush. They are obsessed with facts and verifiable data, it’s what these nerds live for and even though you kicked their sissy asses in high school these dorks are still trying to save your fat life you fatty.

The evidence is overwhelming that global warming is very real and very manmade so wipe the Cheeto dust off your face and wise up you big dummy. Ignoring science is like pouring boiling water on your arm and then proclaiming “the jury is out” on exactly why your Tasmanian Devil tattoo is starting to blister and melt.

Those of you who don’t think global warming is real have a permanent home on my list!

UPDATE: Here’s video of the “shoe” being thrown on stage that turned Josh Homme into a ass-raping maniac. It’s not even a fucking SHOE! At best it’s a sock! AND IT DIDN’T EVEN TOUCH HIM! So all you defenders of this asshole who keep saying “How would you like it if someone hit you with a shoe” can fuck off. What a douchebag baby.

Watch at the 1:30 mark…

Now, on the the original rant…

This one kind of hurts because I used to like Queens of the Stone Age but after watching frontman and Craig Kilborn look-a-like Josh Homme go off on a 14 year old kid in the clip below, I saw what a dick face the guy is. Apparently this overzealous kid threw something on stage, I’m guessing it was something harmless, and within seconds is taken for a ride through Josh Homme’s darkest fantasies of fighting and butt sex. Tough guy Josh goes on and on from his 20-foot perch about how he’s going to kick this 14 year old’s ass after invading it with his wiener. Takes a pretty tough guy to start a fight with a kid who barely has pubes, especially when you are separated by 20 feet of security and 10,000 fans who have your back.

Oh, but the fun doesn’t end there. There are endless clips of this turd berating various audience members and in every clip he can’t stop himself from discussing their soon to be fucked butts or their dicks or how they are “faggots.” How does a guy fixated on being inside his enemies’ buttholes get the balls to call everyone around him gay? And why even go there? Why use homosexuality as an insult? What an asshole.

Guard your butt!

More fun with Josh…

Josh Homme is trying to quit cock smoking.

It’s hard to quit when everyone is smoking cock around you!

Those guys are going to blow each other (jealous Josh).

Let’s take a trip back to 3rd grade.

Here’s how it’s done Josh…