You just made my list!

Holy shit, I am completely overwhelmed by all the comments and well wishes from everyone. Seriously, I am truly touched that so many people would take the time to write. So, I'm rebuilding, I'm getting my shit together and I'm dusting myself off. I will be back, I just don't know when. I think for a while I will try to write a few times a week. Once I am unpacked and settled in my new place I will get back to the 5 days a week schedule. I was honestly ready to quit but you guys talked me out of it. I wish I knew how to quit you. So in the meantime, I would like to hear as much Jay Leno bashing as possible.

So here's the deal. This past year has been really difficult for me for various personal reasons but I was finally at a stage where it looked like I was past the worst stuff and the future was bright. The biggest hurdle left, both literally and figuratively, was selling my house and moving. In more ways than I can explain, this move was the one thing I have been focusing on for months and it was going to be the official beginning of the next stage of my life. Well, the move happened this past Saturday but the day before my house was robbed. I spent weeks carefully packing up my life into boxes and daydreaming about unpacking everything in my "new life." I came home less than 24 hours before my move to find every box torn apart and the contents strewn across the floor. It was the most sickening feeling I had ever felt. I walked to my home office knowing what I would find. Even through I knew what to expect I still wanted to die when I saw my office destroyed and an empty space on my desk where my computer once lived. I earn my entire living on that computer so it is not unlike someone discovering their restaurant or store burned to the ground. I don't need to go into detail, but I will be dealing with the aftermath of this home invasion for months. What devastates me the most is that they not only stole things I worked incredibly hard for, but they took my new beginning from me. They stole the finish line that I have been crawling towards for almost a year. I have a lot of unpleasant bullshit to deal with now and it will take my full attention. I may or my not return, I honestly don't know. It's a fresh wound so maybe in a week or so I will feel like continuing but I just feel too defeated right now.

Hey, who took a dump in my burrito? Just when I thought it was impossible to make wraps suck any more, McDonald's has decided to shove a Big Mac up my wrap hole. I'm picturing the people in charge of developing new "food" at McDonald's slumped in their chairs and just sort of lazily tossing crap from the garbage onto a table and saying "Um, I don't know, I guess I would eat it if I was forced to. Steve, what do you think? I'm too drunk to care." What's next? Big Mac milkshake? Just toss some chocolate chips on that sucker - BOOM - meat cookies! I also really love it when food brags that it's made from FOOD! Congratulations Big Mac, your beef is made from beef. Way to go Easy Cheese, you're made from cheese. Honestly though, I think most Americans would be just as happy to eat a Big Mac if it advertised "Made with some meat." Ba da ba ba ba, I have violent diarrhea!

OK, tonight is my last night of packing before my official move this Saturday so I'm going to keep this short. Mostly I'm keeping it short because I'm not sure what I'm seeing right now on my TV. Why is fat Steven Seagal running around arresting people for selling crack? Is he a real cop? Was I in a coma for 20 years? I have watched about 15 minutes of this insanity and I have never felt more confused. In fact, as I write this, officer Seagal is talking "ghetto" to some black kid with a gun but he sounds like my dad trying to imitate Richard Pryor. Awwww baby, ya dig? I immediately was reminded of the brilliant television pilot for "Lookwell," created by Conan O'brien and Robert Smigel. In the show, which never made it past the pilot stage, Adam West plays Ty Lookwell, a washed-up actor who once starred in a bad 70s detective show. The problem is he now thinks he's an actual detective thanks to an honorary crimestopper badge given to him in 1972. Funny, right? Well this crazy plot seems to be the EXACT concept behind "Steven Seagal Lawman" with the only difference being "Lookwell" was a COMEDY! You seriously should take a 22-minute break and watch this pilot episode of Lookwell, Adam West is a fucking genius in it.

On any given day I can be found employing some of the most powerful modern technology to do important things like look up who directed Meatballs 4 or find nude photos of Beverly D'Angelo. My friends and I zoom essential text messages like, "This hallway smells like farts" up into space, where some billion-dollar satellite that took decades to design safely delivers our fart-filled messages back to earth in literally seconds. I'm sure that was the dream of the geniuses who invented the microchip, the computer, the satellite, the cell phone, etc. The iPhone is mostly to blame for my daily shedding of precious IQ points. If you ever make the mistake of pondering anything out loud, no matter how insignificant, in front of an iPhone owner, you can expect to have that question answered in a matter of seconds. What's that you say? What was the name of the movie where Tom Cruise's ex-wife gets her boobs massaged for an hour and a half? Let me check that for you... bleep bleep blorp beep bop boing... The answer is Mimi Rogers in Full Body Massage. Actually, that's a bad example because any self-respecting straight man should know the answer to that. I should have said... What is Mimi Rogers bra size? (checking my iPhone) The Answer is 38D. Thanks technology!

I don't even like Conan's show that much, but good lord, he's a million times better than this asshole.

Who is coming up with this shit? If I am to believe this bus ad for Credit Union 1, I have to ignore everything I have learned from over 3 decades of pornographic magazines and movies. These credit union jerks actually want me to be impressed by this woman's "figure!" They actually want men to get HORNY from this? I mean sure, I love to see a woman in a red blazer from Dress Barn (I am a man) but this angry mom is not doing it for me. I'm not saying she's real-life ugly but she's hot-girl-in-an-ad ugly. And these jokers want to be in charge of MY financial future? I don't even know what to say about this billboard for Wheels of Chicago. The first time I saw it I was so bewildered that I accidentally kept driving until I woke up in an IHOP parking lot in Jackson Mississippi. I have no memory of driving there and could not tell you why I was no longer wearing pants. Luckily for you I got a solid C- in high school Spanish and should be able to translate this for you. Basically it says "Are you homeless? Do you smear your feces on your face? Bad credit? We don't give a shit, we'll sell you a car poo face!"

Have you ever seen anything more disgusting than former Miss Universe Jennifer Hawkins posing nude without being airbrushed in Photoshop? I seriously think I'm going to be sick. I had no idea a human being could be so grotesque! I caught this vapid idiot bragging about her achievement in humility on some morning talk show and I immediately flew into a rage hurricane and spilled Count Chocula all over my favorite Barenaked Ladies T-shirt. The best part about this madness is that she's doing this to promote The Butterfly Foundation, which is "dedicated to changing the culture, policy and practice in the prevention and treatment of eating disorders." In other words, this incredibly skinny supermodel posed "nude" in a professional studio with professional lighting and professional styling to make girls with eating disorders feel better about their shitty bodies. That's like playing golf with Tiger Woods to make yourself feel better about your own golf skills, or watching Tiger Woods fuck porn stars to make yourself feel better about the slobs you go home with. (My hilarious comedy is topical!) I mean, take a look at these photos of Jennifer Hawkins naked and tell me if it makes you feel more confident about that nightmare you call your body. Not to mention the fact that she's so skinny she could wear a wristwatch as a belt. With all those ribs popping out you'd think she was an American Apparel model. If I was a young girl I would start barfing up every meal too. Why am I so smart?