You just made my list!

Holy shit, I am completely overwhelmed by all the comments and well wishes from everyone. Seriously, I am truly touched that so many people would take the time to write. So, I'm rebuilding, I'm getting my shit together and I'm dusting myself off. I will be back, I just don't know when. I think for a while I will try to write a few times a week. Once I am unpacked and settled in my new place I will get back to the 5 days a week schedule. I was honestly ready to quit but you guys talked me out of it. I wish I knew how to quit you. So in the meantime, I would like to hear as much Jay Leno bashing as possible.

I'm going to try and write something real tomorrow but these fucking holidays are killing me! I'm so popular that EVERYONE wants me at their party. I never get a free moment to just sit and watch People's Court anymore. I'm also moving in a couple weeks, so that's sucking my ass too. To make it up to you, I will share my favorite song about Canada.

It's 2:43 am and I simply have nothing to complain about right now. I just got home from a night of drinks with old friends and for once I'm in a good mood. I guess Listy is getting soft, and for this I apologize. I hope you all have a great Holiday, thanks for listening to my bullshit. Except Guy Fieri, I hope his Christmas sucks major ass and is not at all "money."

I'm taking a couple days off to eat myself to death. When I return on Monday I plan on weighing an additional 15 lbs. Happy Thanksgiving jerks!

Dreams DO come true! Paula Deen is used to large amounts of food flying towards her face, but this time the food won the battle. Sit back and enjoy Paula Deen getting hit in the face with a ham.

I'm taking the day off to work on my Levi Johnston costume, so relive how hilarious and insightful I was last year. Happy Halloween jerks!

How many blades do we need? This is outrageous! Outrageously AWESOME! Yeah, I was once an idiot like you. I would sit around all day saying "Five blades is too many, what is with this crazy nonsense?" I would mock razor commercials touting their 2 blades, then their 3 blades, next 4 blades! "When will this end?" I thought to myself. I am here to tell you it should never end! A few years ago a free Gillette Fusion razor showed up in my mail like an unwanted, screaming baby left on a church doorstep. I wanted to punch it in its face. That cocky son of a bitch thought it was so fucking cool with its five blades. It remained untouched until one day when I realized I was out of razors. I reluctantly opened the package and placed the ridiculously large collection of blades to my handsome face. Listen to me when I tell you that a unicorn flew out of my butt as I pulled the razor across my skin for the first time. You think five blades is enough? Guess again dick head, the Fusion has a sixth blade hiding on the backside for all your hard to get areas. You can even shave inside your god damn nose with that sixth blade! I want to make sure you understand that I am not being hilarious and sarcastic, I really DO love this razor! Five blades really DO make a huge difference. I bet seven blades would be even more awesome. Why stop there, give me ten or twelve blades! Make a glove covered in 100 razors and I will use it. Stop being a sissy a get a 5 blade razor already.

Don't panic fans of the Magic Eraser, this is a rare collector's edition post about something I LIKE! Like? Fuck that, I love the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. I want to marry the Magic Eraser and have a cold beer waiting for it as soon as it walks in the door after a long day of awesomely cleaning shit up. The Magic Eraser is the single greatest invention on the face of this planet. Don't try to tell me in your annoying voice that, "The computer is the most important invention ever" because you are wrong and you are an idiot for thinking that. That is, unless you are using your stupid computer for purchasing Magic Erasers. Magic Eraser is to sponge, what Jesus is to babies born in barns. Even Mr. Jesus Christ scratches his head in disbelief when cleaning up various surfaces in heaven with a Magic Eraser and thinks, "Oh my dad, this thing is amazing!" If you have never tried the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser you are a moron and a jerk. You are a loser and your house is dirty. Your light switches are covered in smudges and your refrigerator handles are filthy. No wonder girls never want to have sex with you.