You just made my list!

I am REALLY trying to fight the urge to post political things but HOLY FUCKING SHIT is Sarah Palin unqualified to be Vice President or, god forbid, President. PLEASE watch this interview and try to convince me otherwise. She sounds exactly like a student trying to give an oral book report on a book she never read. "Moby Dick is a book and a very good book. It was written on paper and touches on many subjects such as a certain book like this would do. It is a story that is good and so forth and what have you. It is a story about a whale and a boat and I guy named Dick who's journey is vast and written in book form for all to read in this book. In summation, Moby Dick is book that has themes and stories about things that are in this book and it is a very good book. Here is my favorite scary moment: A longer version can be found here. If this scares you, and it should, please share it.

They say nothing because they have nothing to offer America. Republicans have no shame as are willing shit any piece of shit out of their shit holes if it will keep them in power. You've got to love Rudy Giuliani for making fun of Obama for dedicating himself to helping the poorest communities in Chicago. Yeah Rudy, Obama is such an asshole for helping the poor yet somehow he's also "elitist?" Luckily the Republican base will eat up any piece of bullshit that is served to them as long as it's wrapped in an American flag and served with a side of 9/11 fries (formerly known as freedom fries). Fuuuuuuck oooooooff.

Have you ever witnessed something so insanely stupid that you were convinced the government was doing an experiment on you? All you can do is cringe and look for the hidden cameras. This happens to me about once a day. While at the muffler shop I overheard a discussion between two mechanics that made me want to grab an acetylene torch and weld my ears closed. "Hotel California" by the Eagles was playing over the shitty shop radio and mechanic #1 was about to pee his pants with excitement. You see, mechanic #1 had some sort of inside secret about this song that he could not wait to share with mechanic #2. Luckily for me, I was able to eavesdrop while pretending to read a copy of People magazine from 2005 - did you know Paris and Nicole's friendship is on the rocks? Mechanic #1 "Dude, do you know what this song is really about?" Mechanic #2 "Hotels?" Mechanic #1 "No. Dude, it's about heart surgery." Mechanic #2 "Huh? I'm pretty sure it's about a hotel in California, the cover of the album has a hotel..." Mechanic #1 "SILENCE! It is about surgeons operating on a dude with heart cancer. Just listen." Mechanic #1 proceeded to present his flawless theory like this... "Mirrors on the ceiling" = operating room "The pink champagne on ice" = blood "And she said ’we are all just prisoners here, of our own device" = ? "And in the master’s chambers" = still the operating room "They gathered for the feast" = gathering for surgery "They stab it with their steely knives" = heart cancer surgery "But they just can’t kill the beast" = dude, you can't kill cancer Surprisingly, or maybe not, mechanic #2 seemed to agree with this this guy and was kind of having an "ah ha" moment like how could he have been so stupid to miss the real meaning of the song all the years. I guess, like mechanic #1, he had forgotten about the other 95% of the lyrics. Learn more than you ever wanted to know about "Hotel California" here, including a brief mention of the cancer theory.

Seriously, why? I relate to this kind of person so little that I don't even know what to say. Come on, what is the point? These turds look like they are wearing masks - masks labeled "Douchebag Mask." The thing that fascinates me the most is the time and attention it must take to keep this ridiculous look maintained. You know the saying "you can't polish a turd," well this is sort of like "you can't shave a piece of shit without it looking even shittier." Why are people shaving SHIT? After searching for photos of these creepy jerks for the last 20 minutes I just want to go cry in the shower until I fall alseep. I feel dirty and ashamed. If you could see my emotional state it would look like this...

"It's time to face the hole!" Holy shit, it's the end of the fucking God damn mother fucking world! Have you seen the Mike Judge movie "Idiocracy" in which Luke Wilson accidentally travels 500 years into the future? Turns out society has been so dumbed-down that Wilson is now the smartest person on the planet. In this film the number one show on television is called "Ow My Balls" which consists solely of a man repeatedly getting hit in the balls. Turns out we don't need to travel 500 years into the future thanks to Fox TV's newest reality show "Hole in the Wall." Thanks Fox, keep up the good work! I'm sure you have seen the Japanese game show clip on YouTube where this concept originated. In the clip, a sad human who was once a tiny baby filled with promise is reduced to trying to fit through a hole in a wall. That's the entire concept! THIS IS A PRIME TIME TV SHOW! No wonder most Americans can tell you exactly how many times Britney Spears has flashed her nasty beav but could not find Iraq on a map. I saw the Japanese clips online just like everyone else and was mildly amused for about 2 nimutes but I just made the mistake of watching the full 30 minute version on Fox and now I want to set my face on fire. I had to use wires to force my eyes open like in "A Clockwork Orange." I think about my grandfather who fought in WWII and I wonder what he would say if he was around to see the important things he fought for, like "Hole in the Wall." I know what his reaction would be, a swift kick to my balls. Ow my balls, ow my balls indeed.

Some people really get their red, white and blue panties in a bunch when you dare question their new hero, whom they just heard of for the first time a week ago, so let's go into the weekend with a rare subject we can all agree on - PUPPIES ARE FUCKING CUTE! Everyone hold hands and stop being such a bunch of pussies!

Here we fucking go again. I keep hearing quotes about how "people want to have a beer" with John McCain's odd choice for vice president, Sarah Palin. Here's an idea dipshit, go have a beer with your cousin, whom you are probably also sleeping with, and let the adults decide who should be president. I would hope that our next president is so busy fixing the mess your beer buddy George W. Bush left behind that he would not have time to go with you to TGI Fridays for a beer and a bloomin' onion. After 8 disastrous years with everyone's favorite frat boy in office how is it possible there are still people simple-minded enough to think like this? Right wingers love to call Democrats "elitists." Guess what fuckhead, the leader of the free fucking world SHOULD BE ELITE! He or she should be the best we have to offer. They should be a fucking genius who can barely throw a football from all the hours spent doing homework and going to math camp. The funniest thing about it is that George W. Bush comes from one of the richest and most powerful families in the country and that stupid motherfucker would NEVER lower himself to have a beer with you and your sweaty friends. Stop packing your bags because you ain't getting invited to his pretend ranch for a kegger. Fuck you and fuck your fantasies of playing beer pong with your new presidential drinking buddy. Do everyone a favor and stay home drinking beer with your friends on election day.

I watch a lot of People's Court and the biggest crime you will see is the murder of the English language. This is not a rant against People’s Court however. I love People’s Court. I want to marry People’s Court. People’s Court is the greatest achievement mankind has known. My complaint is not specifically with people who appear on TV courtroom shows, or this lovely couple to the left (God help us), it’s really about anyone who says “had went.” For example “I had went to 7-11 to buy my old lady a panty rose when I ran into my parole officer.” Here’s the way this works, just say “I WENT to 7-11...” or if you really want to impress people with extra words you can say “I had GONE...” OK? Simple enough right? Here’s another odd grammatical phenomenon that seems to be spreading. More and more I keep hearing people using the word “whenever” in place of “when.” What the fuck? Stop it! Someone will say “Whenever I went to buy some crystal meth I realized I left my money in my other overalls.” NO NO NO! It should simply be “WHEN I went to buy some crystal meth...” I just realized there must be people who say “WHENEVER I HAD WENT to buy some crystal meth...” I hate these people.