If you are a mom or dad with a baby please don’t waste your time telling me that you put sunglasses on your child to protect their little eyes. I realize this and don’t disagree but I don’t have to be logical, I just have to hate something to put it on my fucking awesome list!

I HATE the way babies look in sunglasses. It creeps me the hell out! I’m not trying to be funny, I can’t look at a child when they are wearing sunglasses. A pair of sunglasses on a baby instantly transforms them from cute and innocent to a fat party guy from some late 80’s R-rated teen movie. You know the character, he’s usually named “Moose” or “Pudding” and is always wearing a Hawaiian shirt and not getting laid. The movie ends with “Moose” falling into a pool fully-clothed. He pops his head out of the water while still eating a slice of pizza and the rest of the teens all say in unison “oh Mooooooose.” Roll credits.

In summation, don’t put sunglasses on babies.

I tried to resist talking about these two but they are making it impossible! Chris Brown is obviously a huge, steaming pile of donkey turd. Who the fuck is he anyway? Is he a rapper? I can’t tell anymore, everyone looks like a rapper. Do I even need to go into detail about Chris Brown’s epic level of douchebaggery? Let’s move on.

What’s even more insane is that Rihanna is prancing around with this asshole acting like nothing happened. They’re living it up in Miami on jet skiis, partying with Puff Diddy and even working on a song together. Does she remember when he was beating the shit out of her and trying to THROW HER OUT OF A MOVING CAR? If I forget to take the recycling out I hear about it for a week.*

I honestly don’t know who I’m more disgusted with in this scenario. They are both such great role models. I’m burning my Chris Brown and Rihanna CDs! Do they still make CDs?

*this is an exaggeration in an attempt to make this post more awesome and hilarious. I actually only hear about it for a couple hours.

I’m bored, I have to pack for a trip and I don’t really feel like writing. According to some people I should probably just give up. I think they might be right. Blogging is almost as dumb as twitter-ing or whatever it’s called.

This idiot called me an idiot. I’m going on a road trip!

I’m awesome!

I was all set to write about something completely different today until a Mighty Mighty Bosstones song started playing at the gym. As soon as the disgusting, throaty, barf bag* vocals of Dicky Barrett entered my ears I instantly knew I would be changing today’s post. THEN out of nowhere some guy walked by bathed in AXE body spray. As I lay there on the floor like a fish out of water desperately trying to breathe while the Bosstones mocked me from the speakers above I realized this was the single worst moment of my life. It was as if all of my fears had become real. I began to cry, the kind of crying normally reserved for children. The kind that turns your breathing in to a series of violent convulsions. The crying along with the AXE that still hung in a thick cloud around me caused me to pass out. “Is this what they mean by the AXE effect?” I thought as the world turned dark and blurry.

I woke up in the hospital (which is where I’m writing this) with tubes and wires covering my body. The doctors told me my body had literally shut down from “an overwhelming amount of sucky shit.”

*I think I stole the “barf bag” description of Dicky Barrett’s vocal style from a review I read years ago.

I’m back from vacation and ready to complain so let’s get started!

Imagine that it is early morning and you find yourself in line at an airport McDonalds. It is a slow moving line but one that offers a good view of the 5 things available on the menu. You don’t even bother glancing at the board though because even though you only eat at McDonalds 4 times a year you have their fart-inducing menu memorized. You probably even know the number of the meal deal you want. It’s all so easy and soon you will be pooping your McDonalds in a Mexican toilet. Life is good.

Now imagine standing in line behind some creepy guy on his way to a creepy Christian camp who is holding a creepy dirty pillow covered in his creepy head filth. Although the sight of this pillow is almost enough to make you second guess breakfast you stick with it because you have a 4 hour long flight to Mexico in a couple minutes. You are FINALLY the second person in line and only have to wait for shit pillow to order and move on. Surely pillow man will say something like “I’ll have a #4 with a medium orange juice” and be on his way to the most funnest Christian camp in the world!

What happens next baffles you though. When dirty pillow is ready to order he says, “um, do you have donuts?” Donuts? McDonuts? When told no he says, “Really, no donuts? Um, how about rolls? Bagels?” ROLLS? DONUTS?

I hate everyone who isn’t me.

I was already having a bad day and now this?

I went to see “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” and not only was I punished for this decision by having to sit through it, I now have a cold that I undoubtedly caught from one of the many mouth-breathers who made up the audience of cackling idiots. Just when I thought the day was winding down and I could drift off to sleep on the couch I accidentally turned on the Grammys. What I saw will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Do you remember the first time you saw footage of that Vietnamese solider shooting that Vietcong guy in the head? Remember watching this man die right on the street, blood pouring from his head? Take that horrible, disgusting, soul-crushing feeling and multiply it by approximately 523,038 and you will know how I felt seeing the Jonas Brothers shitting their shit all over “Superstition” while poor Stevie jammed along with them obliviously. Who is responsible? Who could do this to Stevie? Did they tell him it was Radiohead or The White Stripes? Taking advantage of a blind man like that makes me sick. SICK!

I mean that’s the only way Stevie Wonder would ever perform with the Jonas Brothers, right?

Seriously, look how dark this stupid green highlighter is! What kind of a cocky son of a bitch do you have to be to think you are more important than the words you are meant to highlight? What the fuck highlighter, who do you think you are?

Today while waiting in line at a local eatery I felt a creepy presence behind me and I knew, without even turning around, my personal space had been entered. He entered my little personal universe and ruined it! By the way, I love the word eatery, I like that it turns a verb into a noun. I’m going to start referring to all places like that from now on – i.e. the bathroom will now be known as “the poopery.”

Sorry. The worst part about this space invader is that at the time I was checking my email on my phone and this turd was literally only a foot behind me and possibly looking over my shoulder. I stepped forward but he followed as if we were attached by an invisible creepy rope. I closed my email, opened up the little iPhone notepad and wrote “people who violate my personal space.” I hope he read it.