You just made my list!

Just wrapping up another 15 hour work day! Ahhhh life, you are a constant joy. The end result is me neglecting my duties as world's best blogger. Here's a cat with its head in a bag. Shut up.

Nothing says "I have failed" like an adult obsessed with Tweety Bird. You know what? I just fucking hate everything about Tweety Bird and his bullshit. Is he even a him? So much attitude for a little bird, and SO sarcastic! Tweety and Sylvester are only slightly less horrible than fellow Looney Tunes character and hero to white trash the world over, the Tazmanian Devil, and that's not saying much. I would love to see that cat nab Tweety with his long claws and slowly bat him around the room the way cats do. I want to see Sylvester get on his side and hold Tweety in his front paws while he bashes the life out of that yellow asshole. Whore. I have seen exactly none Betty Boop cartoons. What is she? Is she a toddler prostitute? A sex doll that was brought to life by the kindly old man who built her? And what's wrong with her ham-shaped head? She looks like a cross between Eric Stoltz in "Mask" and an Asian sex slave. Wait a minute, I'm starting to see the appeal. All those old black and white cartoons with the squiggly noodle arms and legs freak me out. They seem evil and racist, even when they aren't being evil and racist. I feel like Hitler probably dreamt in that style.

I'm out for a long weekend, try to not kill yourself. Please enjoy kittens massaging kittens in my absence.

The subject of the oil spill and the incredible greed at BP is simply too depressing to even think about, so instead I give you ten clips of deer licking other animals. Boycott BP and BP brands: Castrol, Arco, Aral, am/pm, Amoco, Wild Bean Cafe and, Safeway gas. Now let the licking begin!

If only there was a way to make my white trash house more white trashier. Hmmmmmm, maybe 30 branches covered in pink carpet will do the trick! Listen up, I love cats, I really do. If you have never owned a cat you are probably thinking up different ways to call me gay right now. Well joke's on you buddy because cats rule, end of story. I also understand the desire to give your cat a few cuddly areas in the house for napping and looking cute purposes. Yeah, that's right, I find it endlessly adorable to watch cats sleep, fuck you. But I will never understand the desire to completely strip what little dignity your shitty living room has left by shoving some giant cat jungle gym up its ass. Sure, Snickers and Doodles might like to climb it and and snooze, but they would be equally happy on your Harley-Davidson pillows or your Dora the Explorer fleece blanket that you keep on your matching La-Z-Boys.

Let me be VERY clear I LOVE animals and am endlessly thankful for people who devote their lives to helping them. I'm one of those ridiculous people who sees a homeless guy with a dog and thinks "I hope that dog is getting enough to eat." I am glad there are people like Sarah McLachlan who use their celebrity to do something noble. Finally, the thought of a person being cruel to an animal literally turns my stomach. Having said all of that, I can't reach the remote fast enough when this commercial comes on the TV. It's not the commercial's fault, I just can't stand to see slow motion shots of sad/abused/forgotten animals. To date, I have only seen the first 3 seconds of this ad and it's enough to ruin my day. I always change the channel immediately. The problem is that the commercial is so long I always turn back too soon and find a pair of sad doggie eyes staring at me from behind cage bars. Oh, and now there's a new sad animal commercial with polar bears clinging to life on a tiny chunk of ice. Jesus Christ, I just want to watch People's Court without crying! If the economy didn't suck and I had some extra cash I would be more than happy to donate to the ASPCA. So I guess that means you will have to donate in my honor. If you don't, I will email sad animal photos to you every day. Don't be like me, donate to The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.