Mar 05 2009

Peacocks!

Published by at 3:02 am under Jerks

peacock

Oh my God, look at how beautiful that peacock is with his majestic feathers extended like some magical fairytale bird.

WRONG! You have never been more wrong you stupid idiot! That peacock is trying to hypnotize that peahen and fuck her terrified ass. Oh yeah, and he wants to do it while your family watches! No wonder “cock” is in his name!

If you have only experienced peacocks in photographs then you probably think I’m crazy. However, if you have witnessed this horror show in person then you will know what I’m talking about. The male will raise his feathers in an attempt to look awesome. Fine, I can deal with that. It’s not unlike when I walk around Six Flags shirtless. Next it surrounds the peahen and shakes its ass a few times. OK, sounds like me at the beach. But then it all goes terribly wrong. This creepy jerk violently vibrates his feathers, creating the most horrific sound you will ever hear. It’s subtle but disgusting! I am not lying when I tell you it makes my skin crawl. When I witnessed it up close and personal in Hawaii I thought I was going to cry or barf or maybe cry barf out of my eyes.

Ladies, does this turn you on?

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21 comments so far

21 comments to “Peacocks!”

  1. Yubberson 05 Mar 2009 at 3:32 am

    That vid was creepy as hell. I’ve known guys at bars who do a similiar thing. Lounging lazily on his side against the bar, beer bottle hanging from his hand, eyes undressing me, strange “Oh yeah, you just keep lookin’ at me gorgeous. I see you, don’t hide” smile on his face, the slight wobble in his uncomposed posture emmulates the weird wave thing this peacock is doing. The moment they start to shift positions is the moment I feighn illness and run to the bathroom.

    DIS-GUST-ING peacocks. I couldn’t agree more.

    This should be in an ep of Seinfeld.

  2. Yubberson 05 Mar 2009 at 3:34 am

    The real kicker to the bar methophor I’ve used is; the female couldn’t look or act anymore uninterested, and yet here’s the male flashing his “I don’t have a real penis” feathers around.

  3. Jeffon 05 Mar 2009 at 3:34 am

    I like how you just ‘casually mentioned’ that you went to Hawaii. Well lah-dee-dah, look at you!

    But I agree, peacocks are pretty gross.

  4. CreatureofHabiton 05 Mar 2009 at 7:49 am

    Downtown Detroit is full of wild peacocks. It’s true. They are remnants of all the groomed baronial estates that still abound in certain areas. At some point, they just went feral. So, if you are chillin in Indian Village or West Village, they will stroll through your backyard and make these very LOUD calls at daybreak. Peacocks and glocks. Who knew?

  5. You Just Made My List!on 05 Mar 2009 at 9:22 am

    Creature – WHAT?!? That’s such a crazy image. Fancy majestic birds walking around sad, closed down Detroit. I do like their call though, it sounds like something you would hear on Fantasy Island.

  6. SanFranon 05 Mar 2009 at 10:28 am

    I can’t get the video to work, but I’ve seen the ritual in person as well and couldn’t agree more – it’s well, it’s certainly “earnest” and the peacock definitely takes it way too far. Reminds me of the fucks from the Jersey Shore with their orange tan-from-a-bottle.

    disclaimer: I grew up where these fucks from the Jersey Shore congregated on vacation. I went to the Jersey Shore in the summer, ONCE, to see what it was all about and vowed never to return to the belly of the beast.

  7. You Just Made My List!on 05 Mar 2009 at 10:37 am

    SanFran – Not sure why you can’t see the video but maybe that’s a good thing.

  8. Yours Trulyon 05 Mar 2009 at 10:55 am

    Those peacock feathers are the bird equivalent of owning a Hummer. They scream, as Yubbers says, “I don’t have a real penis”. That’s why I opt for the classy approach of simply not wearing pants.

  9. poseuron 05 Mar 2009 at 11:06 am

    You’re really speaking to me today List Guy. I was once bitten on the hand by a peacock. I was around 5 years old and we were at the zoo. Very traumatic. My wife dressed my 1 year old daughter as a peacock for Halloween this year to be funny. It was adorable and horrifying at the same time.

    No offense to you List Guy, but “Peacocks and glocks” is the funniest thing I’ve read today.

  10. SanFranon 05 Mar 2009 at 1:15 pm

    Hummer? did somebody say Hummer?

    I’ll ahhh, I’ll be right over here, when you’re ready, of course.

  11. CreatureofHabiton 05 Mar 2009 at 1:20 pm

    After I wrote ‘peacocks & glocks’ I thought it could maybe be the new slogan for the Motor City:

    “Detroit: Peacocks and Glocks. Yours to discover!”

    I lived in the West Village… those birds would start screeching at daybreak. Much more common than gunfire, though more rare than the sound of wind whipping through abandoned houses.

  12. Patrickon 05 Mar 2009 at 2:30 pm

    You’re sliding here listy….

  13. You Just Made My List!on 05 Mar 2009 at 2:37 pm

    Patrick – How about I slide this fart into your mouth? I suggest you start a blog about how much sliding I do.

    This post is GENIUS!

    Suck it.

  14. Yours Trulyon 05 Mar 2009 at 2:54 pm

    @ YJMML: “How about I slide this fart into your mouth?” – Funny as hell. I’ll take your advice and start a blog about your sliding, and I’ll call it: You Just Made My List Just Made My List That I Just Made. How do you like that?

  15. You Just Made My List!on 05 Mar 2009 at 3:01 pm

    Yours Truly – If you start that blog it will force me to start YouJustMadeMyListJustMadeMyListThatIJustMadeJustMadeMyOtherList.com

    If that domain name is already taken I will go with YouJustMadeMyListJustMadeMyListThatIJustMadeJustMadeMyOtherList.tv

  16. SanFranon 05 Mar 2009 at 4:19 pm

    Sorry, taken. I’ll sell them to you though, for top dollar.

  17. Yours Trulyon 05 Mar 2009 at 4:47 pm

    Well played, Listman. You are a worthy adversary.

  18. twisted robotunaon 05 Mar 2009 at 7:35 pm

    My slogan for Detroit would be “You don’t want to be here”. That place made my list a long time ago. Peacocks and Glocks has more charm though.

  19. SanFranon 05 Mar 2009 at 8:46 pm

    Hell, dead, or in Detroit… it’s all the same to me.

  20. Better than uon 05 Mar 2009 at 11:03 pm

    You’re an idiot. Post something interesting.

  21. You Just Made My List!on 06 Mar 2009 at 12:25 am

    Better than u – Why don’t you stop reading shitty blogs, idiot.