Archive for the 'Jerks' Category

Jun 01 2011

Well…

Listy is riding off into the sunset

Goodbye, turds.

No, you are not turds. Well, some of you are. Wait, when I really think about it, I have dealt with an incredible amount of turds and turd-related activities on this website. To be honest though, it was those turds who got me out of bed each morning. I LOVE all the hate mail that continues to pour in every day, it truly does make my day. I salute you, turds!

But where does that leave you, the non-turd? Well, I love you even more. Yes, even I have the ability to love.

If I may be human for one brief moment, I really have loved hearing from all of you over the last few years but the reality is that I simply do not have the time or energy to continue writing. You may not be able to tell from my past writing, but I actually really put effort into this site and I don’t want to continue unless I feel I can give it my best effort.

“Fuck you Listy, how hard can it be to rant about Guy Fieri?!?”

What did you just say to me? Do you have any idea how much vomit I choked down over the past 3 years while writing about powerful enemies like Guy Fieri, Miracle Whip and corn? Holy shit, I just realized something, if Guy Fieri has a recipe that involves slathering corn on the cob with Miracle Whip I might have to kill myself.

Back to the point… Dedicating 5 nights a week to my genius opinions was taxing but I did it for you, the little people. And WOW, was I good at it! Not to mention, all the hilarious writing I did (and continue to do) in the comments. I really am great, just like you guys always tell me. I’m high-fiving myself. Now I’m taking off my shirt and karate kicking the air while singing a Kid Rock song. I don’t know if it’s a real Kid Rock song but when I sing about America, tits and eagles I just assume it’s probably one of his songs.

So, as much as I hate to say it, I think it’s time for me to close up shop. It feels weird to make it official but all moderately good things must eventually fizzle and die a slow, forgetful death. Like Aerosmith.

I’m trying to find just the right words to sign off with. Something sincere, poignant and heartfelt. Perhaps I will simply say this…

Everything is the worst.

Goodbye.

167 responses so far

Apr 15 2011

The chronicles of hypocrisy!

Charlene DeLoach charlenechronicles.com

I have been debating whether or not I want to give any more airtime to this woman and ultimately I decided FUCK YEAH, I want to talk more about my new friend, Charlene DeLoach over at charlenechronicles.com. Why bother, right? She has an insignificant blog that floats in a virtual toilet filled with literally millions of predictable, vapid, self-centered “mommy blogs.” Why waste my time? Because Charlene epitomizes something I deeply despise… hypocrisy.

Let’s get something straight… Charlene the big scary attorney, came to MY website and accused ME of stealing from her. She also used that opportunity to make a thinly-veiled threat that I might somehow be sued for embedding her fascinating video about FUCKING DEODORANT!

So, let’s give old Mrs. DeLoach the benefit of the doubt and once again explain section 6C of YouTube’s terms of service…

For clarity, you retain all of your ownership rights in your Content. However, by submitting Content to YouTube, you hereby grant YouTube a worldwide, non-exclusive, royalty-free, sublicenseable and transferable license to use, reproduce, distribute, prepare derivative works of, display, and perform the Content in connection with the Service and YouTube’s (and its successors’ and affiliates’) business, including without limitation for promoting and redistributing part or all of the Service (and derivative works thereof) in any media formats and through any media channels. You also hereby grant each user of the Service a non-exclusive license to access your Content through the Service, and to use, reproduce, distribute, display and perform such Content as permitted through the functionality of the Service and under these Terms of Service. The above licenses granted by you in video Content you submit to the Service terminate within a commercially reasonable time after you remove or delete your videos from the Service. You understand and agree, however, that YouTube may retain, but not display, distribute, or perform, server copies of your videos that have been removed or deleted. The above licenses granted by you in user comments you submit are perpetual and irrevocable.

Great, that clears everything up! Obviously when presented with this fact Charlene, the accomplished attorney and “social media expert” will post a retraction and an apology for accusing me of copyright infringement. She goes back to blogging about how confusing daylight savings is and I go back to barely trying and still being the world’s greatest blogger. WRONG! Instead, this hypocrite turns her hypocrisy machine that spews hypocrisy turds all over the fucking room up to 11. She even went as far as contacting Degree (can you believe this all started over deodorant?) via a tweet seeking their assistance in a “legal matter” she was “dealing with.” All high-powered attorneys know the best way to contact a major corporation is a tweet.

Clearly now in survival mode, Charlene began controlling the flow of information that contradicted her obviously incorrect accusation of stolen content. She began removing any comment from her blog, no matter how non-confrontational, that pointed out the errors in her claim of theft. Charlene has even gone as far as blocking the I.P. address of any visitor who disagrees with her. She conveniently left up the comment that oddly states “It doesn’t matter what the YouTube rules are.” Really? Do all you mommies teach your children that rules do not apply to them? Do you teach your kids to hide from the truth and disguise the facts? Fucking white people! Wait, I’m white.

So, for those of you keeping score, we have 1) an attorney who believes laws somehow don’t apply to her… 2) a blogging and social media expert who doesn’t understand the basic rules of one of the largest websites on the internet… 3) a social media expert / attorney who thinks tweeting is the appropriate way to contact a company about a legal matter and who thinks this major corporation gives a shit about any of this… 4) a social media expert who believes censorship is the appropriate way to handle ideas that conflict with her own… and 5) a mommy expert who thinks any and all of the above is OK.

Charlene DeLoach sounds like the perfect person to speak at your next blogging conference! Perhaps a panel discussion called “How to Do Everything Wrong.”

70 responses so far

Apr 13 2011

Mommy bloggers!

Published by under Jerks

mommy blogger blogging

I hate blogging.

Some of you might have noticed a comment I received on my last post about Degree magical motion sensing deodorant from a blogger (and ATTORNEY!!!!!) named Charlene. The purpose of this comment was to inform me that embedding her Youtube video was a violation of copyright. Guess what Perry Mason, you lost another case and your client is going to the electric chair.

Let’s all spend less than 3 seconds to research your claim of copyright infringement and look at Youtube’s terms of service, section 6C…

You also hereby grant each user of the Service a non-exclusive license to access your Content through the Service, and to use, reproduce, distribute, display and perform such Content as permitted through the functionality of the Service and under these Terms of Service.

You are as bad at being an attorney as I am at not being awesome.

Let’s also keep in mind that her vague but threatening comment all centers around a video about DEODORANT! She wants to argue about deodorant? Your husband is a lucky man, you seem REAL carefree and fun Charlene!

Oh my dear friends, the story doesn’t end there. I took a little walk over to charlenechronicles.com and what do I see? What the fucking fuck do I see, but a rant… ABOUT ME! In this little rant, Charlene blabbed on and on about copyright violations, which would be fine IF I ACTUALLY VIOLATED HER RIGHTS. Clearly Charlene, the world’s greatest attorney and self-proclaimed social media expert, doesn’t understand the contract she entered into with Youtube.

Now, will she print a retraction and apologize for having the fucking gall to accuse me of stealing her STUPID VIDEO ABOUT DEODORANT? What do you think? I submitted a comment on her blog explaining Youtube’s policy but it has yet to be approved and I’m pretty sure it will not be.

My favorite thing about her asinine post is that she refuses to link to my site because she doesn’t want to “drive traffic” to me. I think you can risk sending your 3 readers a month my way. Based on your impressive average comment count of zero, I think it would be OK.

Let me make something very clear, I am not pretending to be angry in an attempt to be funny or get back at this woman, I am genuinely VERY pissed off. I don’t need some boring, bland, blogging mommy who spends her days shilling for deodorant companies to accuse me of stealing from her and then use me as a topic of discussion on her incredibly interesting blog that normally covers exciting topics like a block-by-block description of her morning jog. At one point she saw a pile of trash on the street! Thrilling Charlene.

I hope Charlene has purchased and cleared the rights for EVERY photo and graphic she has ever used on her blog. If not, that would be a major violation against the copyright owners. I may not be a lawyer, but I once saw a porno about a bunch of lesbian lawyers, so yeah, I pretty much know a thing or two about the law.

Let me tell you something about most of these mommy bloggers… they are liars and they are charlatans. They are snake-oil salesmen and they are shills. They give RAVE reviews of products and encourage you to check them out with an innocent little link. What most people don’t know is, contained within that link is code, code that pays the sweet little mommy a commission when other mommies buy whatever shit the blogger is “loving.” Hard to imagine anything other than a five star review when a possible commission check is looming overhead.

I’m waiting for my apology Charlene. I want the world (a.k.a. your 3 readers) to know how sorry you are for accusing me of stealing from you when the reality is that you, the blogging and social media expert, couldn’t blog your way out of a blog sack. I don’t know exactly what a blog sack is, but I’m pretty sure it’s not that hard to blog out of.

I hope you enjoy the traffic I’m sending you.

89 responses so far

Mar 27 2011

Chopping my fucking finger off!

Published by under Jerks,Why?!?

bloody finger

Awesome!

So anyway, I’m cutting this piece of paper on Friday with an X-acto knife when all of a sudden I see the side of my finger sitting there on the table? I looked at it and thought “Why aren’t you on my hand anymore?” The arrogant piece of finger just stared back at me like “What are you gonna do about it?”

Touché finger piece, you win this one.

33 responses so far

Mar 14 2011

Alexandra Wallace… cunt!

Published by under Jerks

There’s no part of this video that is funny or worth joking around about. If you think this cunt is a GIANT CUNT then turn it into something¬†positive and text REDCROSS to 90999 to make a $10 donation to help the earthquake & tsunami victims in Japan.

By the way, here’s what it was like to be in the middle of that little “tsunami thing.”

 

80 responses so far

Feb 28 2011

God, for leaving Corey Haim out of the Oscars death montage!

Published by under Jerks

corey haim left our of oscars death montage 2001 acadamy awards

First, God purposefully kills Corey on my birthday, then last night he had the fucking balls to cut Haim out of the Academy Awards death montage! When God killed Corey last year, I thought he was sending a message to young Hollywood, but now that I see his latest stunt I can clearly see this is all designed to upset me!

Well guess what God, I think you are a real meanie for trying to ruin my Oscars party. You know I spent two solid hours popping popcorn! I know you saw it because the bible tells us in Levitra 2:13-17 “And so-eth it shall be known-eth that I, the supreme overload, shall keep tabs upon you and will monitor all things great and small, including but not limited to-eth, football games, The Country Music Awards, Childrens beauty pageants, etc. I even watch you while-est you are pooping.”

WTF, God? I will not take this ROFL!

7 responses so far

Feb 22 2011

Mama Gena and her “Womanly Arts” “Sister Goddess” horseshit!

mama gena womanly arts free

Hey ladies, do you want a new car? Of course you do. You could work hard, save your money and buy yourself a new car but who has the energy for that bullshit? Why don’t you do it the Mama Gena way and get your husband to buy you a new car. All you have to do is whore it up a little and that new PT Cruiser will be sitting in your driveway before you can say “low self esteem!” Now, when I say act like a whore I’m not talking about simply getting a little kinky in the bedroom, I mean literally be a whore and trade sex for objects, because after all, isn’t that what a healthy relationship is all about. PREACH SISTER GODDESS!

Have you ever seen a mom, perhaps your own, drink a few too many glasses of white wine (with ice) and attempt to skateboard? It inevitably ends with her splayed out on the driveway with her skirt over her head, laughing maniacally while everyone else just stares and feels embarrassed on her behalf. Mama Gena’s pathetic antics are not even CLOSE to being that cool.

For the low low price of $4,750 (you know, that makes a decent down payment on a new car) Mama Gena will help you find your inner vapid bimbo. Oh, it’s worth it, just watch her describe the complex art of “sexy” hand holding in the clip below and you’ll see she really knows her stuff. It’s like watching a virgin describe how to give a blowjob. I should also mention that the virgin is your sister and she’s demonstrating on your dad’s finger.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

30 responses so far

Feb 16 2011

Whimsy!

renegade crafts fair whimsy nerds

Enough already.

Hey hand-made crafting hipster nerds, let’s move on to the next fad, shall we? If I see one more cutesy retro squirrel I am going to drop my pants, pull out my wang and fuck it. I don’t care what it is, it’s getting fucked. Letterpress card… fucked! Pillow… fucked! T-shirt (on a hanger or being worn)… fucked! Tattoo on your face… FUCKED!

Have you ever gone to a Renegade Craft Fair? Just try and find something without a whimsical cute thing on it. What is this desire to live life as a 6-year-old? Yeah, it was fun being a kid but I’ve moved on to more worthwhile things and I enjoy doing adult things like driving a car and putting breasts in my hands. Do you realize I could go buy a chainsaw RIGHT NOW if I felt like it? That’s what being a grown up is all about, boobs and chainsaws.

PUT A BIRD ON IT!

12 responses so far

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