Archive for August, 2010

Aug 31 2010

Honey mustard!

best honey mustard recipe free

Fuck you, showoff!

Oooooh look at me, I’m too good to be normal mustard, I’m filled with honey from a bee’s vagina.*

I know you are anxious to say “No way bro, honey mustard is the shit.” Well, you are almost correct, just remove the word “the.”

Good old fashioned yellow mustard is the Police and honey mustard is Sting. In other words, classic yellow mustard is America’s Funniest Home Videos with Bob Saget and honey mustard is AFV with Tom Bergeron. What I’m trying to say is that yellow mustard is Swayze in Road House and honey mustard is Swayze in Dirty Dancing. Got it?

*I’m not 100% sure that honey comes from a bee’s vagina but I’m pretty sure it does.

Honey mustard belongs on fucking Mars!

27 responses so far

Aug 27 2010

College stickers on car windows!

college decal car window university sticker rear car window

It’s over Brad, let it go.

77 responses so far

Aug 26 2010

People who are too fucking lazy to take their Christmas decorations down!

Published by under Jerks

christmas decorations and lights still up in summer

Merry Christmas, can someone turn up the air conditioning?

I realize the NASCAR season eats up a lot of your time and now that Cheaters is on twice a day it’s hard find a free moment but maybe it’s time to put your snowman and candy canes away. Either that or just burn your house down. Just burn it to the ground and walk away.

I recently read that a house with Christmas lights dangling from its sad gutters in August has a 36% chance of containing a fully-clothed corpse sitting in a chair and is four times more likely to have at least one bathtub that is used as a toilet. I think it was in Newsweek or possibly The Economist.

24 responses so far

Aug 25 2010

Nordic walking poles!

nordic walking poles

Look at me I’m skiing! Oh wait, I guess I’m just walking… like a douchebag.

Sure, walking is pretty extreme on its own, but add some fucking ski poles and suddenly you’re the (insert name of famous skier here because I don’t know any) of the neighborhood walking club. With enough practice, you might even make the Olympic walking-around-the-suburbs team!

One time, I was Nordic pole walking and I saw this deep crevasse up ahead. I mean this thing was at least 4 inches deep and a foot across! I was thinking maybe I should pole my way across the street, you know for my own safety, but something in me said, “Go for it, fucking go for it dude.” So I approached the gaping crevasse without fear because I had my poles! I approached the edge of the great hole, sweat pouring into my eyes, and planted my poles. Suddenly it was as if I was weightless and I found myself sailing over the abyss. I’ve never felt so free!

Unfortunately, I misjudged my jump and fell on my face. I was so mad because I ripped my best walking pants. Stupid poles.

18 responses so far

Aug 24 2010

The staggering amount of air drums/guitars/keyboards at tonight’s Rush concert!

Published by under Awesome!

retro rush vintage rush

Yes, tonight was the rescheduled Rush concert and yes, they made up for the canceled show with free Rush hats for all! Why am I telling you this? Because it’s late and I can’t get my brain to work well enough to write.

Rush was pretty bad ass tonight and watching thousands of people simultaneously air drum is one of the most awesome things you could ever hope to see.

In case Rush is not your thing (pussy), here’s a bunch of penguins chasing a butterfly.

In case you sort of like Rush and sort of like cute things, here’s a 5 year old playing Tom Sawyer on the drums.

18 responses so far

Aug 23 2010

The new Guy Fieri Aflac commercial!

guy fieri new annoying aflac commercial douchebag

Fuck me.

From as far back as 2008, the entertainment world has been clamoring to find a talent impressive and worthy enough to appear side-by-side with the always impressive Guy Fieri. Well, I don’t know how they did it or what kind of crazy backroom deals went down but they finally found a personality to rival the great Fieri. I am speaking, of course, of the Aflac duck.

Not since Lennon & McCartney, Scorsese & De Niro, Bert & Ernie or Zack Morris & A.C. Slater has the world seen such magical chemistry explode all over its face from an on-screen duo. Imagine if David Lee Roth and Jesus Christ formed a band… Yeah, it’s THAT good.

I have to admit, I never thought I would ever see anyone match the staggering charisma of Sir Guy Fieri but that duck manages to somehow hold his own and, dare I say it, he even manages to out-act Fieri in a few scenes. I know, I know, it’s sacrilege to suggest anyone’s talent could equal Fieri’s but please understand, I’m not saying Guy Fieri wasn’t brilliant in this commercial, I merely have to give credit to the duck for a truly brave performance.

Hey Guy, Billy Idol called and he wanted to let you know the Stray Cats called and they want their bowling shirts back.

21 responses so far

Aug 20 2010

My readers!

Published by under Awesome!

Full disclosure …..I am drunk.

Wow, what a day it has been! so much talk of pee and poop and balls. I am overwhelmed by the care and detail given to the subject of peeing while sitting. I now know what it is like to win an Oscar.

So (thanks to beer) I would like to say that I am so impressed, and sometimes intimidated, by the readers and commentors on this website. Your comments are often better than my lame attempts at humor or social commentary or whatever it is I do here. To be honest, it kind of pisses me off when I read comments that are better than what I wrote. Only sort of though.

Really I am proud that, for the most part, the people who waste their time reading my bullshit are so smart and funny. When I write a post I feel genuine fear and pressure to deliver something good because I know most of you guys are funny and smart. Writing does not come naturally to me so writing each night can be a daunting task. (I wish you could see how hard spellcheck is working to keep me on track right now). I would like to point out that the recent comments on my scrubbing bubbles post are not included in the “smart” category.

The point is, I just want to say (thanks to being a happy drunk) I genuinely really appreciate you guys for wasting your time reading my bullshit. I’m only saying this because I’m drunk, starting Monday I will be calling you all idiots again.

(for the record, it took me approximately one million hours to write this)

I’m awesome! FUCK YOU!

19 responses so far

Aug 19 2010

I pee sitting down and I’m proud of it!

Published by under Awesome!

men who pee sitting down

Yeah, that’s right, I’m a man and I pee sitting down. Deal with it!

It all started in high school when I realized I could sneak an extra 15 seconds of sleep if I took a little pee-nap on the toilet during my morning piss. It was these brief, relaxing moments that led to my impressive pee-sitting career.

Soon I began to notice all of the advantages to lounging while peeing. Without the distraction of standing and aiming my stream into the bowl, my mind was free to contemplate important issues. Let’s do the math… If I pee-sit 2 times a day for an average of 15 seconds per session (not including pee/poop combos) and multiply that by the approximate number of days I have been a pee-sitter (about 9,490) we are talking about 79 hours and 8 minutes of free mind time. That’s 3.29 days! And where did I figure this all out, on the toilet while peeing of course.

The next advantage of sitting while peeing is the reduction of piss noise. This usually only comes into play when you have guests or while you are a guest at a friend’s house that has one of those annoying bathrooms placed right near the action, like just off the kitchen where everyone is hanging out. Guess what, I don’t want you to hear my powerful racehorse pee stream as much as I don’t want to hear your piss splashing all over the place. Nobody needs to hear that while trying to enjoy a delicious nacho a mere few feet away.

But even without the relaxing, brainstorming and reduced noise, pee-sitting is worth its weight in gold for this reason alone… it’s neater! I don’t mean neater as in “OMG, that’s so neat,” I’m talking about reducing the amount of human piss that splashes all over your bathroom. When a man takes a leak standing up I would estimate about 1% of the pee ends up out of the bowl. Only 1%? What’s the big deal? If you ask me, even one drop of piss out of the bowl is too much!

Now, let me very clear about this, I do not pee siting down in a public bathroom. Public bathrooms are standing room only, hence the huge amount of piss covering every surface.

OK go ahead, start calling me names, I know you are dying to, but I can tell you this, tonight I sleep soundly in a home free of wayward piss.

I am proud to be a pee-sitter!

74 responses so far

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