Archive for April, 2009

Apr 30 2009

Business casual!

business casual

I’m going to attempt to write this while watching “Lost.” That, along with the fact that I really can’t think of anything funny or interesting to say about corporate pants, should result in the worst post I have ever pooed out of my poo hole.

Business casual blah blah blah. The subject is as boring as the clothing. I recently had to buy a bunch of “biz cas” clothes thanks to a freelance project and I’m still upset about it.  OH MY GOD, this is so boring. I apologize, I really do. I honestly can’t think of a way to make this less horrible. This is where not being an actual writer poses a big problem for me. I couldn’t write my way out of a pair of pleated Dockers.

I’m sorry.

14 responses so far

Apr 29 2009

Cold air from Canada!

Published by under Jerks,Why?!?

weather map

Hey Canada, I’m trying to have a little spring here, you wanna stop blowing your bullshit cold air in my face so I can enjoy the few months of warm weather we get in Chicago?

What’s the deal? Is this payback for George W. Bush? Limp Bizkit? Carrot Top? We are super fucking sorry about all that but enough is enough, Canada. I just want to pull my grill out of the garage and sit on my patio without a jacket. I want to feel the warmth of the sun on my face while I clean my guns, watch NASCAR and not read the newspaper. Hey, I’m American!

Look Canada, you have to choose. Either you continue to send us all your comedians or you blow your stupid cold air all over us, but you do not get to do both. You’re supposed to be “America’s hat” not America’s cold air machine that makes cold air and blows cold air… shut up, you know what I mean! I’m too cold to think clearly!

18 responses so far

Apr 28 2009

Fucking God damn motherfucking swine fucking flu!

Published by under Jerks,Why?!?

swine flu

Fuck! Are you fucking kidding me? Now I have to worry about this shit?

I was just in Mexico! Do I feel feverish? I can’t tell. Shit I think I have swine flu! Is uncontrollable snorting and an overwhelming desire to roll around in my own poop a symptom?

How did this crap start? Did swine flu start with some drunk sorority girl who was convinced by the good people at Girls Gone Wild to make out with a pig while on spring break in Mexico? I imagine it would have started slow like, “Hey Madison, just show us one nipple for a couple seconds and we will give you this highly valuable T-shirt! You want a T-shirt don’t you? You want to be cool, right?” Next thing you know, Madison has a face full of hog ass and the rest of the world is walking around in blue surgical masks.

God, what’s wrong with me? This post is a little over-the-top don’t you think? Shit, is that a symptom of swine flu, overly aggressive and offensive blogging? I need to go lie down.

29 responses so far

Apr 27 2009

Giving a massage!


See the look on this woman’s face? You will never look like this while getting a massage from me.

I don’t care if giving a 5 minute massage would lead to hot, sweaty sex with Lucy Liu on a private Caribbean island while Brooke Burke and Keeley Hazel watch and beg to join in, I’m not doing it so stop asking, Lucy!

I absolutely LOVE to RECEIVE a massage, especially from a professional (insert happy ending joke here), but I despise giving them. I would rather retake the SATs than massage your back. When I try to give a massage I begin with good intentions but literally after 10 seconds I am sick and tired of it. I’m not happy, you’re not happy, so why bother?

15 responses so far

Apr 24 2009

Talk Like Shakespeare (or whatever) Day!

william shakespeare

I should have written about this yesterday, since it was actually Talk Like Shakespeare Day, but I was too busy talking like an adult and doing adult things. As far as I know, this bullshit only took place in Chicago but you can waste your time trying to figure it out at

I kind of feel like a jerk for hating “fun” stuff like this but I can’t help it, I just do. Remember International Talk Like a Pirate Day? I hated that just as much, maybe more. So, on Talk Like a Pirate Day do you talk exclusively like a drunken Arrrrgh-style pirate or can you also talk like the pirates from Somalia? What do they say? I think it’s mostly stuff like “I’m going to kill you and dump your body in the ocean.” FUN!

The main reasons I hate things like Talk Like Shakespeare Day is because I used to have to do graphic design for crap like this and I was always amazed at the amount of wasted time that went into these misguided campaigns. Imagine spending weeks working late and taking conference calls with well-meaning poisonous bunch-back’d toads (their website suggests saying that instead of cursing) about Talk Like Shakespeare Day. No seriously, sit back and imagine it, I will wait…

Horrifying? Methinks yes.

13 responses so far

Apr 23 2009



FINALLY something that combines my love of pointless texting and people who talk during movies!

If you are a normal, fully functioning adult then you probably have not heard of “MuVChat.” Take a moment to thank Jesus for this because I am about to ruin your life. MuVChat allows you to read what’s on the minds of the dipshits sharing the theater with you. You see, at a MuVChat screening you can text any piece of bullshit rolling around in your empty skull and it will appear at the bottom of the screen. Imagine how insightful and creative these texts must be. I’m guessing it’s mostly comments like…

“Yo diz guy iz fast and furious yo”
“WTF dat guy doing yo”
“yo look out dat guy be behind yo azz!!!!”
“why dis button guy gotta age backwardz and shit yo :(”
“deez guyz is fagzz yo”
“beyonce’s azz be da shiz yo LMAO ROFL”
“Rosebud is the emblem of the security, hope and innocence of childhood, which a man can spend his life seeking to regain, yo”

I mean just look at the sample comments they put in their promo video. “Why I’m not a male model.” WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? Are they as dumb as their audience or do they know they are marketing to idiots and want to speak their language? Either way it makes me want to stand outside the MuVChat offices and fling poop at anyone leaving the building.

If MuVChat becomes popular I beg you to kill me! Thanks (sort of) to my wife for bringing this to my attention.

Watch this but prepare to cry yourself to sleep.

11 responses so far

Apr 22 2009

Ironic hipsters!

Published by under Jerks

ironic hipsters

Fucking fuck am I busy this week! I don’t have time to do anything good so I’m taking the easy way out and letting someone else do the work for me.

I hate Ironic hipsters!

Sorry for being lame today.

19 responses so far

Apr 21 2009

Saying “bless you!”

Published by under Jerks

sneeze, bless you

I made the mistake of saying “bless you” to someone after she sneezed today. Little did I know this woman was going to spend the next 8 hours sneezing at her desk next to mine. I don’t even like saying “bless you” once! Why am I expressing sympathy for a person who simply sneezed? Is sneezing such a huge trauma that I need to call upon the Lord and savior? “Hey God, I know you are busy figuring out who will win the Super Bowl and who’s getting a Grammy next year but we have a bit of a situation down here in the graphics room. I don’t want to alarm you but this girl just sneezed and I’m going to need to put in an official blessing request. Thanks. I mean, amen.”

The problem today was once I said it that first time, I was locked into blessing this woman like an overworked Jesus all fucking day long. I blessed her exactly 4 times before deciding it was more than I could take. We were the only people in a VERY quiet office so each time I allowed an un-blessed sneeze to linger it was painful. Why? Why do I need to stress over YOUR sneezing? I am literally never saying “bless you” ever again. Get over it. So sayeth me.

19 responses so far

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