Archive for May, 2009

May 29 2009

This incredibly creepy banner ad!

Published by under Jerks

teeth whitening

Have you seen this banner ad online yet? I see it, plus other variations, all the time and it just does not sit well with me. It makes me want to shower. My brain wants desperately to figure out which photo is “before” and which is “after” but all I see is before and more before. I have been waking up in the middle of the night, soaked in sweat, screaming “BEFORE! BEFORE!”

I did a little nosing around about this ad and the site “” that it advertises. Turns out there are about 100 variations of this “mom’s blog” all telling the same story but from the beautiful white mouths of different fake moms. Just google the following sentence and you will see what I mean…

I discovered a two-product combination that works better than anyone could have expected

I used to just hate the ad because it made me physically ill, but now I hate it because it’s just another example of people trying to scam each other. Fuck everyone. Not you though, you are my favorite.

14 responses so far

May 28 2009

California, Proposition 8 and anyone against gay marriage!

gay marriage prop 8

I’m going to keep this short because this subject literally elevates my heart rate to a dangerous level.

There really is absolutely no reason we should have to debate gay marriage. Not only is it un-American to deny this right, it is inhumane. Why the fucking fuck would anyone give a shit if two people who love each other want to get married?!? It’s so ridiculous that I honestly can barely gather my thoughts enough to finish this.

The fact that two people get married, whether they be straight or gay, has nothing to do with your existence. Life will go on exactly the same so worry about your happiness and don’t deny others theirs.

One more thing, if you support gay marriage and are straight you should still be out there protesting. This is an issue of basic civil rights and we should stand together.

42 responses so far

May 27 2009

Bathroom Attendants!

bathroom attendants

Hey thanks for handing me that towel that was 1 inch away from my hand, I would say that’s worth about a dollar. And let me also thank you for staring at me from your little stool while I took a piss, it did not make me the least bit uncomfortable. Now, if there was just someplace nearby for me to get an extra splash of Drakkar Noir. What’s that you say, YOU have Drakkar Noir? Right here in the BATHROOM? Kind sir, you are a life saver! Just give me a $1 stick of gum and I will be on my way. Whoops, I’ve spent so much time shopping in the bathroom that now I have to go poop. What does it cost for you to wipe me?

Since most bathroom attendants are sad looking old guys I’m not actually putting them on my list, it’s really just the concept of the modern-day bathroom attendant that upsets me. I say modern attendant because I’m sure there was a time, back when people got dressed up to go out, when these people were slightly more necessary. But now that every fat ass is walking around in denim shorts and Crocs, it just seems weird to have a guy in a tuxedo sitting in the bathroom.

I always cringe when I walk into a bathroom and see an attendant. I often try to decide if it would just be easier to pee my pants and get the hell out of there. I’m sorry, I just don’t want to pay a guy to hand me a towel!

However, the one thing that makes these guys awesome is when they fill the urinals with ice. Oh sweet lord, I love to pee on ice!

22 responses so far

May 26 2009

The Luna “Free Flooring” commercial and also fake fun in general!

Published by under Sucky TV

luna free flooring commercial

Does this piece of shit commercial only run in Chicago? If you have not seen it, I apologize in advance for ruining your day. I might even be ruining the joy of cooking a meal that ends with a playful food fight with your lover, and I know how much you love that.

The level of fake fun in this Luna commercial is excruciating! If given the choice of kicking either Guy Fieri or this spatula-singing fuckface in the balls, I would seriously have to think about it for several minutes before kicking them both in the nuts and acting like I misunderstood the question.

I’m sorry.

While doing my “research” I discovered that Luna has been around for a long time. Although I grew up in the Chicago area I have never seen these gems. They almost make up for the “Free Flooring” cock-licker.

49 responses so far

May 22 2009

Why is “Mr. Six” talking now?!?

mr. six - Six Flags Commercials

FUCK! I spent the last 9 months cleansing the brain space that had previously been invaded by “We Like to Party” by the Vengaboys but thanks to a new round of annoying Six Flags commercials it’s right back in there.

I know I already wrote about Six Flags and their mind-numbing commercials that seem to run during EVERY SINGLE commercial break but the gates of hell have opened once again, only this time Mr. Six is actually speaking. It makes me very uncomfortable and I want it to stop as soon as it starts, sort of like an inappropriate hug from a step uncle. On a side note, I just googled “step uncle” to see if it was one word or two and discovered this insanity…

“I have a freind [sic] who is dating her step uncle, they are not related by blood at all, but is it right? because i feel i should advise my freind [sic] on this!”

“Step uncle-step niece relationships are not prohibited under Leviticus 18 in and of itself. As long as, they are of age I don’t see the problem.”

I’m sorry for my lack of focus but what the hell?

OK, what was I talking about? Who cares. I also saw that Mr. Six is on Twitter which reminds me, follow me on Twitter if you want to ruin your day, possibly week.

God, this is the worst site on the internet, why are you still bothering with me?

12 responses so far

May 21 2009

Queen on American Idol!


I made the mistake of accidentally seeing the last 10 minutes of American Idol last night and now I want to hide inside my testicles for the rest of my life. When Adam Lambert and the other douchebag finalist started singing Queen’s “We Are The Champions” I was already booking my flight to L.A. so that I might kick them in their smooth areas. But I was not prepared for what was about to happen next. The stage opened up and there were the surviving members of Queen backing up these turd wads. Yeah, the real fucking god damn QUEEN sharing the stage and taking a backseat to those two motherfuckers! I don’t want to live in a world where Queen has to share a stage with Adam Lambert’s eyeliner. I’m sure as I write this Freddie Mercury’s corpse is zombie walking its way to Brian May’s house looking for answers.

28 responses so far

May 20 2009

Threadless and the people who worship them!

I Hate Threadless

Fuck Threadless and their oh-so-clever bullshit! I hate the cult of Threadless.

If you do not know what Threadless is, take a moment to high-five yourself for being awesome. Threadless is a website where people send in their cutesy little t-shirt designs and an online community of lonely teens and aging hipsters with tiny glasses vote on which crappy doodle gets produced on actual t-shirts. Once these shirts are produced all the Threadless zombies rejoice and cum in their panties because every week they can buy more shirts with precious scribbles on them.

Do I think every Threadless shirt sucks? No, but I do honesty hate 98% of them. Do I think anyone who owns a Threadless shirt sucks? No, but I really can’t stand it when people are obsessed with them.

You know how there are just some things in life you hate but can’t quite explain why? Well this is not one of those things for me, I fucking hate Threadless.

65 responses so far

May 19 2009

People barfing on TV!

slut barfing

I seriously cannot go a single day without seeing at least one person throwing up on TV. You may think that I only watch shows featuring Bret Michaels and the diseased whores who love him but honestly I never watch those shows. Television barfing is no longer relegated to the inky shadows of Bret Michaels’ tour bus, it’s everywhere!

A couple days ago, I saw no less than 4 people puking on 4 separate TV shows! I wish I could remember the shows because they weren’t all programs you would expect to see such a reversal of fortune. I will just make them up… Jeopardy, Meet the Press, The Weather Channel and let’s say Sesame Street.

When did it this trend become commonplace? Was I in a coma for 100 years?

Speaking of TV and how the universe is against me… How the fuck does Rubina Ali, child star of “Slumdog Millionaire,” have a better TV than I do when she lives in goddamn slum?!? No seriously, she lives in a real-life Indian slum. Do I do everything wrong?

rubina ali slumdog millionaire

12 responses so far

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