Archive for September, 2008

Sep 30 2008

Jim Halpert (John Krasinski) and his stupid “camera looks” on The Office!

Yes, I am one of those annoying people who can’t stop saying “how much better the original British version of ‘The Office’ is.” That’s not to say that I don’t enjoy the American version of The Office, I just don’t like it as much. I really love most of the peripheral characters like Creed, Andy, Kelly, Meredith and it’s hard to dislike Rainn Wilson as Dwight, however I find the main characters to be much less interesting and I can barely stomach Steve Carell’s performance as Michael Scott.

Blah blah blah, who cares about my opinion of every single character on The Office? Well it’s my blog (God, I hate the word blog) so you will have to suffer through. ANYWAY, what do I hate most about the American version? The god damn “Jim look” that is shot my way every 30 seconds! WE GET IT, Jim is the only sane person in the office and he knows everyone is crazy and he’s normal and all his coworkers are idiots. You know what, I can figure that out without such a blatant “aw shucks” reminder.

Should I care about something so insignificant as the world crumbles around us? YES YES YES! I have to care, it must happen! Every time Jim turns his head, looks directly at me and scrunches up his face as if to say, “gee whiz my coworker are dumb” I am forced to turn to the imaginary camera in my living room, scrunch up my face as if to say, “gee whiz I’m fucking sick of that guy’s ‘gee whiz’ face.”

I know there are people who love the “Jim look” but the difference between them and me is that I am right and they are wrong. Bow before my superior opinions!

This is dumb.

In case you care, here’s a photo of Jenna Fischer’s ass. You’re welcome.

40 responses so far

Sep 29 2008

Novelty souvenir drink glasses!

Maybe, MAYBE, if you are a girl under the age of 23 it’s forgivable for you to drink from one of these colorful dildos but come on guys, how could walking around like a toddler drinking out of a supersoaker possibly attract the opposite sex?

Call me crazy but I like to drink my beer out of a bottle not through a straw from a football. Gentlemen, please take a moment to think about some famous manly men. Now, try to imagine these men – Frank Sinatra, Johnny Cash, John Wayne, Sean Connery, the Marlboro Man – enjoying a fluorescent drink from a plastic Seattle Space Needle. Sinatra famously wouldn’t even sit down while wearing a tuxedo in an effort to keep his pants looking good and all I’m asking from you is to put your little toy down and drink like an adult. And while you’re at it, stop sweating so much. Why are you always sweating?

13 responses so far

Sep 26 2008

Lil’ Wayne for not being embarrassed to do this on Saturday Night Live!

When I saw Lil’ Wayne’s amazing guitar solo this past Saturday on SNL I just about peed my pants with excitement. This has got to be the saddest/funniest moment in the history of the guitar. You’ve got to love that nobody in his band had the balls to say, “Lil’, what’s the fucking deal with the guitar solo? Stop and never ever ever do that again.”

His guitar playing is so horrific it almost makes the rest of this crap song sound better. Doe anyone remember when music was good? I don’t. If you have not already seen this, please enjoy the world’s worst guitar solo!

7 responses so far

Sep 25 2008

People who care that Clay Aiken is gay!

Let me first say that I am not gay. I know that is a big surprise to many of you. I am not declaring this because I am afraid of being called gay, I only mention it because I don’t want some jackass saying “you’re only sticking up for the guy because you’re totally gay too.”

Here’s the deal, if you want to make fun of Clay Aiken because he looks like a thumb in a wig then I am right there with you. If you want to say his fans, the “Claymaniacs,” and the 15 cats they each own are possibly the saddest bunch of losers on the planet then yes, let’s take our shirts off and pour beer all over each other! OK, that sounded a little gay. BUT who gives a shit about his sexuality? If it makes you feel better that you cracked the case and “just knew” Clay Aiken was gay ever since the first time you saw him on American Idol then you may be more pathetic than the Claymaniacs. Guess what, everyone knew he was gay.* *not the Claymaniacs

I never really thought twice about this turd until I saw him interviewed on Good Morning America by Diane Sawyer. This woman acted like getting Clay Aiken to admit to being gay was going to prevent a terrorist attack. She was practically waterboarding the kid. Sawyer simply refused to drop it and finally a visibly frustrated Aiken said something like, “why do you care so much, it really is nobody’s business.” I was sitting there thinking to myself “FUCK, now I have to like Clay Aiken.” DAMN IT! He was absolutely right though, what business is it of hers or anyone else? He probably should have also asked her, “Why the hell are you even interviewing me, you know I’m Clay Aiken right?”

I fully support those who decide to come out of the closet but I also don’t think it’s anyone’s business if a person chooses not to. Who cares? There are more important things to care about like what possesses a women to get a fucking Rachael Ray Tattoo?

7 responses so far

Sep 24 2008

Rachael Ray and her giant mouth!


Please rip my ears off and put expanding insulating foam in my bleeding ear holes! Why is it that the more annoying a person is the more likely they will be hugely popular? Especially when it comes to the Food Network. It’s a parade of loud mouth jerks on that channel.

Rachel Ray is so painfully boring I can barely find the strength to write about how much better I am than her. Are white, suburban women really so bored with life that all it takes is a slightly less-bland version of themselves to make them lose their minds with excitement? I think I’m a little jealous of these people. I walk around all day wanting to fling poop in everyone’s face but these women drop their panties with excitement anytime Rachael Ray says “EVOO.” I want their blind happiness. I want to find “EVOO” charming rather than something that causes me to black out from rage. Save me Rachael Ray!

I will now show you something that should shake you to your very soul. It should make you question everything. You might want to drink 7 beers before looking at this photo.

19 responses so far

Sep 23 2008

People who claim I jinxed them!

Published by under Jerks

Full disclosure, I do not feel like writing anything today. I almost put myself on my list for deciding to write a fucking blog 5 days a week but that seemed stupid. Then I thought I could quickly fart out a post about what lying liars John McCain and Sarah Palin are but I’m too sick of their faces. So I flipped through my list, yes it is an ACTUAL list on paper, and tried to find the easiest thing to write about.

And that brings us to my disdain for people who think they can actually be jinxed by some stupid thing I say. I’m not talking about people who lightheartedly say “you’re going to jinx us” after I say “I think we are going to get lucky with parking tonight.” I am referring people who actually get angry and believe jinxing is as real as the air we breathe.

Here’s what I know… 1) There is no force in the universe that will take my words and cause you to get a flat tire or make your plane crash and 2) This post is a boring piece of shit and I apologize. Maybe someone recently said something like “your blog is always so awesome” and it jinxed me.

Good night jerks!

One response so far

Sep 22 2008

Corporate team building retreats!

Have you ever been forced into one of these ridiculous wastes of time? If you are currently reading this from the safety of your grey cubicle then I will assume the answer is yes. I will also assume a chill just shot up your spine and a tear fell to your Dockers.

For those of you who are lucky enough to NOT know what a “team building” seminar is all about, let me sum it up like this… your entire office is herded onto a party bus and driven to a remote location where you will be forced to act like a toddler in a misguided attempt to make you give a shit about your job and coworkers. Oh, it’s a real fun time alright, you get to wear your “weekend” clothes, bang on drums and various other children’s instruments, share feelings and play wacky games that involve being tied with ropes to the accounting department. You laugh and bond over how funny your boss looks in a hula skirt and comment endlessly about how hilarious it was when Larry from sales sang “Margaritaville” at karaoke! If you are a man you might as well cut off your penis because it will never look you in the eye again after one of this weekends.

Oh it’s a big love fest that really strengthens the team until Monday when the mere sight of Larry and his stupid face brings back those fantasies of going on a killing spree through the sales department. You imagine Larry begging for his life in a pool of his own blood, looking at you with puppy dog eyes pleading, “What about Margaritaville? Come on Bob, we won the potato sack race together! Wastin away again in Margaritaville? Margaritaville!”

Remember when companies functioned without team building? Remember when people at your insurance agency had to wear suits and could not bring their dogs to work? Remember when you called a company and didn’t have to talk to a robot until you finally break down in tears screaming, “CUSTOMER SERVICE! CUSTOMER SERVICE! OPERATOR!” I want those days back again. No amount of egg toss will change my mind.

8 responses so far

Sep 19 2008

Bret Michaels, his bandana, his wig and his pink pussy mouth!

Yech! Bret Michaels’ face literally makes me feel sick. The kind of sick one might feel when accidentally seeing a homeless woman’s vagina. Yeah, that’s right, HOMELESS VAGINA!

Is it possible that “Rock of Love,” where Bret pretends to search for a soulmate from a big diseased pile of strippers and whores, is actually a way for the government to compile a list of people to sterilize in an effort to save all of humanity? I can’t think of a single other reason for it to exist or why a person might watch it. OK, I can think of ONE other reason… if your TV only gets two channels and the only other show on is Hole in the Wall.

I thought we were done with this guy. WHY WHY WHY is Poison still touring? I think I would rather see that aforementioned homeless vagina on tour. IN FACT, I bet the homeless vagina would sell more tickets! Maybe Poison can open for the homeless vagina. “Tonight, One Night Only! Homeless Vagina (and poison)”

What is happening to me. My poor mother tried so hard.

Here, this will make you feel better about the last 3 minutes of your life. It’s the trailer to Bret Michaels’ independent movie “A Letter From Death Row” which he wrote, directed and starred in. What the fucking fuck is Martin Sheen doing in this? I understand why Charlie Sheen is in it, but Martin?

18 responses so far

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