Archive for June, 2009

Jun 30 2009

People who wait until the last second to put their turn signals on!

Published by under Jerks

red lights

These assholes are the worst people on the planet. They do not deserve to share the oxygen we breathe. They are worse than serial killers, they are worse than Hitler.

These people pull up to a red light in the left lane of an intersection without a left turn lane. You feel safe and cozy about pulling up behind them because they are obviously not turning left. I mean how could they POSSIBLY be turning when their blinkers are off? You are so happy with your lane choice that you crank up the Creed song on the radio and fucking rock the fuck out! Life is good. Ding, the light turns green but wait, what is that? Suddenly, without warning these fuckfaces casually turn on their left turn signal and your life will never be the same.

Listen up dicks, turn your blinker on BEFORE you get to the intersection! Your turn signal is there to tell people “Hey, I’m going to be turning in the future” not “Hey, I’m turning NOW!” Waiting to pop that son-of-a-bitch on when the light turns green is pointless and I hate you.

17 responses so far

Jun 29 2009

God, for killing Billy Mays!

Published by under Jerks,Why?!?

Billy Mays

What the fuck?!? God is on a killing spree and for once in my life I am happy I’m NOT a famous. Assuming God likes to kill celebrities in 3’s, I guess we should be prepared to lose 2 more this week for a total of 6 in about a week! Who knows if he will even stop there, he might clear out all of Hollywood, which would be a disaster for this guy’s career. What did Billy Mays ever do to you, God? What is up your holy ass?

I loved Billy Mays, and I don’t mean that in a mocking way. For as long as I can remember I have been fascinated with pitchmen (not the show, the profession). In college I even video taped my favorite infomercial (carnauba car wax) so I could watch it over and over. Yeah, I was THAT cool in college.

A good pitchman can literally hypnotize you into thinking you are an idiot for not already owning kitchen knives that can cut a car in half. Billy Mays was one of my all-time favorites and I’m sad we will no longer be treated to his trademark “Hi, Billy Mays here…” yelled at a volume loud enough to make your hair move a little. And the beard, fuck, I’m going to miss that beard.

UPDATE: God had a busy weekend but he found time to also kill Fred Travalena.

9 responses so far

Jun 25 2009

God, for killing Farrah Fawcett AND Michael Jackson on the same day!

Published by under Jerks,Why?!?

Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett

Geez god, what’s the deal dude? Did someone give you one of those motivational “Successories” posters and did it inspired you to make the “most of your day?” Well hooray for you tough guy, you really seized the day! Oh, and nice work on the anal cancer. It’s not bad enough to give Farrah cancer, you have to make it cancer of the anus? What a dick. Don’t even talk to me right now.

Lest ye forget what a bad-ass Michael Jackson once was, here he is laying it down at an age when you were still crapping your jammies.

And check out this A capella version of “The Love You Save” – INCREDIBLE!

And let’s not overlook Farrah Fawcett-Majors.

23 responses so far

Jun 25 2009


corn sucks

Oh, hi corn, it’s nice to see you again. I haven’t seen you since the BBQ. Did you enjoy your trip through my body?

Remind me again why I even bother eating corn-on-the-cob. I don’t even like the way it tastes that much and I hate the way it gets stuck between my teeth. Then, corn has the audacity, the arrogance, the fucking GALL to just scoot right through me without doing shit. Literally! Ooooh, I get so mad when I see those perfect, little, yellow kernels glaring up at me from the toilet. I can almost see their tiny middle fingers raised high in my direction.

Guess what corn? FUCK YOU!*

*popcorn not included, popcorn is awesome.

20 responses so far

Jun 24 2009

One year of blogging!

Published by under Why?!?

you just made my list

Hey everyone, I just wanted to send out a quick inter-office email to remind you that the big “You Just Made My List” first anniversary party is today in conference room B at 4:00. Don’t be late (I’m looking at you Brad! Remember SALES IN ACTION 2008 – you will never live that down!!!!!! LOL!) Julie and Lisa have been working like crazy people (cuckoo cuckoo) to make this party ON THE CHAIN!!! If you thought the Sales on the Beach Summer Bash was fun, then hold on to your Dockers because this party will rock you!!

• Wackiest Neck Tie Contest
• Best Themed Cubicle Contest
• A Performance by Steve and Frank’s “Rubber-band Band”
• Waste Paper Basket-Ball
• NASCAR, or should I say NAS-CHAIR race (hee hee)

Debbie was nice enough to bake her famous cookies (one each please) and our very own Dan “The Man” will be DJ-ing right from his laptop? I don’t know how he figures that stuff out, zoom right over my head!!! LOL!

Running throughout the party will be an awesome (it seriously made me cry, boo hoo) Power Point slide show chronicling our first year! I’m not kidding when I say it’s as good as any documentary I have seen on Fox News, and you know I love my Fox News!!!

AND… If ALL that wasn’t enough, closing out the evening will be a super entertaining performance from… drumroll… drumroll… Counting Crows? (you wish Stacy! ROFL!!!)… drumroll… RAZZMATAZZ!!!!

So don’t be like that guy Ken who got fired last year for missing the Show Me The Money sales picnic! (he was a weirdo anyway)

See you at 4:00 and thanks for a GREAT YEAR!!!!

13 responses so far

Jun 23 2009

Jon and Kate plus who gives a fuck!

jon and kate plus eight

This is going to be a short post for exactly 3 reasons.

  1. Chicago finally has nice, warm weather and I want to sit in my yard and get drunk.
  2. I have spent the last 2 hours getting drunk in my yard.
  3. I have a suspicion that nobody gives a shit about this stupid website and my bullshit anymore.
  4. I purchased the Criterion Collection version of Bottle Rocket on DVD today and I want to watch it.
  5. Shut up!
  6. I have spent the last 2 hours getting drunk in my yard.
  7. For the record, I have a chair, it’s not like I am literally sitting in the middle of my yard drinking. Idiot.
  8. The world will be ending soon. Thanks North Korea!
  9. I’m A Celebrity Get Me Outasafghddddddddddddddddddd. Sorry I just fell asleep face-down on my computer.
  10. I hate that I even know who fucking Jon and fucking Kate are!!!

The official post begins now… Blah blah blah, I hate Jon and Kate. Kate is mean and Jon is miserable. The end.

20 responses so far

Jun 22 2009

Nail art!


You really can’t say that you’ve made anything of your life until your likeness appears on someone’s fingernails. You think you’re the shit because your dumb face is on a T-shirt? Bullshit, call me when some chick is walking around with your smiling mug on her disgusting fingernails.

(STOP THE PRESSES – I just saw a commercial for some fat ass dating show on Fox. It’s a fat guy looking for love from a group of fat chicks standing on reinforced bleachers. Mark my words, the world will end by November.)

OK, sorry about that… This is one of those subjects that makes a little barf come up. I am endlessly fascinated by what some people accept as “fashionable.” I mean, there are thousands of women walking around RIGHT NOW with palm trees, dolphins, tigers and flowers painted on their long fingernails. No, these women were not abducted at gunpoint and forced to do such a thing. Nope, these crazies paid for this insanity.

The art is bad enough on its own, but the thing that really gets to me is the length of these nails. It sends a shiver down my spine every time I see a woman struggling to do some simple task with her painted claws. Using a telephone or picking up a coin becomes a day-long event with these idiots.

Thank god I am better than everybody.

I will make an exception for this young lady.

19 responses so far

Jun 18 2009

Wilford Brimley!

wilford brimley

Wilford Brimley scares the shit out of me. Actual shit comes out of me when I see him.

Why is he SO angry all the time? Although I am not elderly and do not have “diabeetus,” I still called Liberty Medical and ordered 5 years’ worth of supplies just because Wilford looked like he was going to jump out of the TV and wipe that smile off my face, punk. I probably got diabetes from all the fucking Quaker oatmeal the son-of-a-bitch instructed me to eat in the 80s. OK, I don’t think excessive amounts of oatmeal gives you diabetes, but Jesus Christ, Wilford Brimley has some sort of creepy control over me. I feel like my dad is yelling at me when I see one of his commercials.

I will admit that Wilford was a total bad-ass in John Carpenter’s remake of “The Thing.” Of course he was playing a scary old man, so it wasn’t much of a leap for him.

Wilford Brimley doing what he does best… yelling at you to buy things.

Buy some crap, and GET OFF MY LAWN!

“This little shit eats peaches & cream every blessed, god damned morning.”

8 responses so far

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