Archive for August, 2008

Aug 29 2008

Americans who think they love America but shit all over everything it means to be American!

Published by under Why?!?

I am going to do my best not to climb too high atop my soapbox and ramble endlessly on this subject, but holy shit does it make me insane when “patriotic” Americans completely ignore the principles that America was founded on.

Did you hear about this guy, Bradford Campeau-Laurion, who was kicked out of Yankee Stadium because he needed to take a leak during the singing of “God Bless America?” I understand that he has a “foriegn” sounding name and telling the cop “he didn’t care about God Bless America” was a bit risky, but fuck off, the whole point of America is that YOU CAN PISS DURING GOD BLESS AMERICA IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT! In fact, go ahead and take a dump and get some nachos if you want, you’re in America!

I would suggest if you claim to love America so much you should, at the very least, have a basic understanding of our most basic concept, freedom.

8 responses so far

Aug 28 2008

People who say “had went”

I watch a lot of People’s Court and the biggest crime you will see is the murder of the English language. This is not a rant against People’s Court however. I love People’s Court. I want to marry People’s Court. People’s Court is the greatest achievement mankind has known.

My complaint is not specifically with people who appear on TV courtroom shows, or this lovely couple to the left (God help us), it’s really about anyone who says “had went.” For example “I had went to 7-11 to buy my old lady a panty rose when I ran into my parole officer.” Here’s the way this works, just say “I WENT to 7-11…” or if you really want to impress people with extra words you can say “I had GONE…” OK? Simple enough right?

Here’s another odd grammatical phenomenon that seems to be spreading. More and more I keep hearing people using the word “whenever” in place of “when.” What the fuck? Stop it! Someone will say “Whenever I went to buy some crystal meth I realized I left my money in my other overalls.” NO NO NO! It should simply be “WHEN I went to buy some crystal meth…”

I just realized there must be people who say “WHENEVER I HAD WENT to buy some crystal meth…” I hate these people.

15 responses so far

Aug 27 2008

Orange people!

I literally don’t know what to say about these people. I have been trying to write a post about them for weeks but give up each time because I am paralyzed by these photos. I am not kidding, my brain shuts off as utter confusion engulfs my soul. HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN? I actually start to feel physically ill. I swear to God I am not lying, I can only look at these shit faces for a few seconds before I have to choke down that barfy feeling. If you are a woman drunk enough to go home with one of these douchebags do you wake up the next morning looking like you just dug out of prison?


If you can’t get enough of these pumpkin pies there are plenty to be found here

orange douchebags

12 responses so far

Aug 26 2008

Frank Gehry and his piece of shit, ugly ass buildings!

I haven’t even finished typing this sentence and already my blood is boiling from having to look at this ass clown’s shitty building. I mean look at this crooked hunk of crap he designed for The Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Is he blind but nobody wants to hurt his feelings? Maybe he’s like that kid from The Twilight Zone who can turn you into a donkey or a house plant with his mind if you make him mad or disagree with him. Or maybe he’s like a drunk frat boy who wakes up after a weekend of beer-bonging and realizes “Shit dude, I totally have a building design due today!”

The best part about this building? M.I.T. had to sue Frank Gehry because this tangled mess leaks and generally sucks ass. It literally says “sucks ass” in the lawsuit!

Don’t try and tell me he’s breaking new ground and pushing the envelope because you are wrong. Frank Gehry is concerned with one thing, Frank Gehry’s checkbook. He knows he can literally take a dump on a table and some stupid mayor who is afraid of looking uncool will agree to spend $500 million to build a turd-shaped building. Have you ever seen the back of the Jay Pritzker Pavilion and Bandshell in Chicago? If you think the front is ugly, which it is, take a look at the back sometime and you will see a perfect illustration of how fucking lazy this jerk is.

Fuck Frank Gehry! I’m right and I know everything.

Gallery of Frank Gehry’s crimes against humanity

72 responses so far

Aug 25 2008

John Edward and all assholes who claim to speak to the dead!

Dear God, I know you are busy with touchdowns and handing out Grammys but if you could just set aside a couple minutes for me and sayeth that I may kick this fucking asshole in the empty space between his legs I would REALLY appreciate it. Just one good kick square in his fluffy vagina is all I’m asking for. Amen.

Mega-turd John Edward literally makes my skin crawl. The sound of his voice and the sight of his face makes me want to take a Silkwood shower until my skin is raw and bleeding.

Why do I hate this fucker so much? He makes money off people when they are at their weakest. People who may be misguided in their desire to speak to their dead uncle Charlie but innocent nonetheless. You might even think I would want to add these gullible rubes to my list but I actually don’t think they are rubes at all. For the most part, they are simply people who have a gaping hole left by a deceased loved one and John Edward can’t wait to start fucking that hole.

If you believe this grease ball can actually talk to the dead I must request that you slap yourself in the face. It is well documented that this jerk and all other jerks like him use simple techniques like planting people in the audience to listen for details or using microphones before the show to do the same. They also use the cheap sideshow trick of cold reading where they simply wait for the audience member to give up information voluntarily and build on those details.

If you STILL believe in this bullshit answer this for me, if these people can actually communicate with the dead why do they always start by saying “I’m getting an R or maybe a B, it could be an F, an F or an R, is there anyone with a connection to the letter R or B or G or F or N or Q or R, maybe it’s a P?” Some poor person will finally say “My aunt’s name starts with a P.” This is when the bullshit becomes painfully transparent because suddenly this “ghost” who seconds earlier could barely communicate the first letter of his or her name asks the “psychic” to tell the relative how much they love them and all about the cool stuff they have been doing in heaven. John Edward asks us to honestly believe a spirit ALWAYS starts a conversation with him like this “ooooooohhh… Jooooohn… R… John… R… R… I said R John… not P… R… R you fucking idiot… I’m saying R you asshole… it’s only one letter you dick… my name starts with R… I will tell you the rest later but for now let’s just start with R.”

Fuck you John Edward and all other charlatan douchebags who prey on people at such a fragile time. You disgust me. Oh yeah, and fuck that dog psychic Sonya Fitzpatrick too!

What’s the word I’m looking for… Oh yeah CUNT!

3 responses so far

Aug 22 2008

Bored white people who hang from hooks!

Hey, who needs more attention than the jerks who ride around on tall bikes? Idiots who hang themselves from hooks!

Poor Brad and Kim didn’t get enough attention in high school. Oh, but do they have a way to get even with all of you, they are going to stick giant hooks through their white trash tattoos and hang around like giant ball sacks. I know “to each his own” but fuck off already with this nonsense.

“Brad, this is your father. Get down from those God damn hooks and mow the lawn or we aren’t going to the water park tomorrow!”

One response so far

Aug 21 2008

People who make political decisions based on TV ads!

I keep hearing this week that John McCain has been getting better poll numbers and it is attributed to his attack ads. That’s great, way to go America! If laziness could be turned into oil we would be set for life.

“Barack Obama hates the troops, the TV box told me so. My research is done, let’s go to Wal-Mart!”

You know what, not a single political commercial should ever be watched, it is utterly pointless. What are you going to learn about a candidate in 30 or 60 seconds? You are going to learn that one guy has a dog and hangs out with hardworking Americans and the other guy looks evil in photos and uses the flag as toilet paper. Why are we so inclined to be stupid and lazy when it comes to important decisions? People put more mental energy into deciding where to eat lunch every day.

And what’s the fucking deal with John McCain and his fear mongering and spewing of misinformation. I guess I thought he was above that brand of gutter politics. I’m sorry but there is nothing LESS American than misleading the American people for political gain. Aren’t we all sick of being chin-deep in bullshit by now?

As Americans we all lose when we allow ourselves to be manipulated by political propaganda machines, right or left. We can’t afford to fuck this election up and if you are basing your decision for President on 30 second commercials I kindly ask you to punch yourself in your balls and/or vagina.

7 responses so far

Aug 20 2008

Adults who scare kids with those stupid internet videos!

Published by under Jerks,Why?!?

See the look on these kid’s faces? If you are a parent it should be your goal to prevent that look from ever appearing on your child’s face rather than giggling like a dumb ass waiting for it to happen.

I’m sure you have seen clips like these on youtube where some jerk, usually a parent, almost pisses their pants with excitement while waiting for some internet gag to scare the living shit out of some moon-faced kid who just wants to play a stupid maze game. What sadistic weirdness exists in the “brain” of a parent who gets pleasure from terrifying their child? I’m not talking about a simple BOO, these kids usually end up in tears. I want to see the follow up clips in a few years where the teen versions of these kids beat the shit out of their parents screaming “who’s in the maze now motherfucker?”

Mark this date dad, Feb 8th, 2006, it’s date your son started to fantasize about killing you in your sleep.

This guy can’t contain his excitement. You can see the exact moment this kid stopped loving his dad, right around the 00:17 mark.

Hey mom, how about spending a little more time cleaning the house and a little less time turning your kids into serial killers.

Corey really is a lucky kid, isn’t he? I realize this kid is old enough to laugh it off but I can’t believe how long his stupid mom waited for the scare. It looks like she was filming this kid for an hour before she got her chance to cackle her denim mom shorts off.

11 responses so far

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