Archive for March, 2009

Mar 31 2009


Published by under Jerks


Is it just me or does it seem like a porno or a drug deal gone bad could break out at any moment in these places?

You can always spot a McMansion from a mile away thanks to the “grand” entrance they ALL have. I wonder what it must feel like to enter your home through such a fantastic portal. On one hand you must feel big and important because you are living the dream but at the same time you must also feel tiny standing next to your giant plastic pillars. Actually I would imagine the “rich “people who own these monstrosities usually just enter through their two car garage. Yeah you heard right, these titans of industry can park two cars, indoors!

The only good thing about McMansions is that you can be sure most of the douchebags who own them are currently losing their asses in this terrible economy. That’s something to be happy about, right?

18 responses so far

Mar 30 2009

Scrubbing Bubbles Automatic Shower Cleaner!

scrubbing bubbles automatic shower cleaner

Really? Seriously? For Reals?!?

I’m guessing if you are the kind of person who is lazy enough to use an automatic shower sprayer you have a bathroom that requires more help than this piece of shit can provide. A push of this magic button is not going to erase the last 10 years of failure as a human being. You are still going to have Flamin Hot Cheeto dust all over your “Everybody Loves Raymond” T-shirt after asking your new high tech shower robot (you will think it’s a robot) to clean that filthy hell hole you call a shower.

Maybe I’m being too harsh but I’m pretty sure I am right about everything, always. GOD DAMN, I’m awesome!

18 responses so far

Mar 27 2009

Yo, I suck!

Published by under Jerks


Sorry, I’m human!

OK, here’s the deal. I have a few sites all running on the same server and due to my awesomeness I am starting to overwork the computer machine. You see, the internet is a series of tubes and… forget it, you can’t possibly understand. Anyway, it has made working on the site difficult BUT the complaining will resume Monday!!!

In the meantime, here’s a funny story. In high school I was dating a girl over the summer who moved to my town from Texas. About a week after school started I took her on a date to Fuddruckers. Nothing says “class” and “romance” like a 4lb cheeseburger. So as I’m taking my first bite she tells me that she’s dumping me. Couldn’t she have waited until after I ate my giant burger? Or here’s an idea, tell me BEFORE we get to Fuddruckers and I spend my lawn mowing money on your sorry ass. The best part however is that she casually told me she was breaking up with me because I was not popular enough. Let me tell you, that was a feel-good moment.

Not popular enough? ME?!?

Oh yeah, well I’m so popular now that I’m crashing servers! I’m too popular for technology to even fucking handle it!

When I reread this I realize she made the right choice.

14 responses so far

Mar 26 2009

My server and Wii tennis!

Published by under Why?!?


You may have noticed that the site was down for most of the day yesterday. Sorry about that, the server was not happy about something. Unfortunately I was unable to log on and write something for today. Again, sorry. I’M SORRY!

Here, you want something? I hate that my arm is killing me from playing 3 games of Wii tennis last night. It makes me want to end it all. It just seems wrong.

There, now shut up.

14 responses so far

Mar 25 2009


Published by under Jerks

Bratz little whores

Just how badly do these parents want their daughters to be strippers, sluts, bitches, bimbos and/or whores? It is scientifically proven that the most likely way to see your daughter flash her dumb tits on a Girls Gone Wild commercial is to allow her to watch Bratz or play with Bratz dolls. On a side note, I wish I could be there to witness some dad sitting alone in the family room late at night as he gets a boner watching a Girls Gone Wild commercial when all of a sudden, WHAM, his daughter appears on the screen! That has got to be one of the greatest moments in the history of mankind. I mean not for him but for the rest of us.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, if you let your daughter watch Bratz you are a bad parent and your kid is going to be a trashy whore. That is all.

28 responses so far

Mar 24 2009

Poor sign maintenance!

Published by under Why?!?

old neon sign

I already know nobody is going to care about this subject and I’m going to get comments like “you are really starting to suck Listy, I hope you die,” so please kiss my freshly groomed personal area!

Here’s the deal, it’s my fucking blog website and I HATE seeing signs with lights burned-out so I’m going to write about it!

These jerks are like little kids begging for a dog, “I will walk him and feed him and pet him and brush him every day. Please can we have a puppy? PLEASE?” Sure, their sign looks kickass the first month when all the bulbs are happily flashing away. Then one bulb burns out and the owner says to himself “I will change that bulb next week.” That week turns into 15 years and the next thing you know I’m staring at 247 burned-out bulbs and 3 working lights desperately trying to pick up the slack.

If you want to have an awesome sign with tons of lights then it is your duty to keep ME happy with constant sign maintenance. Why do you want to upset me? Take care of that precious little puppy for the love of God!

39 responses so far

Mar 23 2009

Mall cop movies!

paul blart mal cop

observe and report

I believe it was the wise and insightful George W. Bush who said “Fool me once, shame on… shame on you. Fool me…………… you can’t get fooled again.” Like most everything George Bush said, I totally agree!

I made the mistake of seeing “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” a few weeks ago. You could say it was my own personal 9/11. It was definitely a tragedy and I immediately made ribbon magnets for my car that say “Paul Blart: Mal Cop – Never Forget.”

Imagine how difficult it was for me to see a trailer for “Observe and Report,” the new mall cop movie starring Seth Rogen. I was still suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder after Blart and simply was not mentally prepared for another catastrophe.

The most confusing thing about these dueling mall movies is that the female lead of each movie is NOT the same actress! Kevin James’ love interest in Blart is Jayma Mays, who looks exactly like Seth Rogen’s love interest in Observe, Anna Faris. In fact, until I did a little research, I was sure both movies starred the same girl.

Is this the beginning of same strange Twilight Zone scenario where eventually every movie is about a fat mall cop who falls in love with a blonde mall employee? It already seems like Seth Rogen is in every new movie. Is Seth Rogen taking over the planet? Is he an alien lusting after human blood? I’ve got you figured out Rogen, and like George W. Bush said “I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe… I believe what I believe is right.”

17 responses so far

Mar 20 2009

Celebrity tequila!

justin timberlake sammy hagar tequila

When Sammy Hagar started his Cabo Wabo tequila brand I thought, “Well, that makes sense, he’s a hard drinking rock star.” You know, honestly I didn’t think anything when I heard Sammy Hagar was starting a tequila company. It’s not really one of those moments we all remember collectively and share over beers. “Where was I when I heard the ‘Red Rocker’ was starting Cabo Wabo? I will never forget that day. I just finished my fourth helping of bread sticks at Olive Garden when our server, Dakota, said ‘yo ya’ll hear-ed Tammy Hanger takilla company maked?’ It was a very powerful moment.”

Sure, Sammy Hagar took one of the most awesome bands ever, ripped its dick off and made it suck dog ass, but I can at least picture him throwing up enough tequila to cover the floor of a mid-sized bathroom. Justin Timberlake, on the other hand… what the hell is he doing launching his own brand of tequila? I could see Timberlake wine coolers maybe, but tequila? I just hate him so fucking much!

16 responses so far

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