Archive for December, 2009

Dec 31 2009

God’s killing spree of 2009!

vengeful god

Holy crap, God sure was busy killing his way through Hollywood this year. What is up that guy’s ass lately? You’d think the guy would just sit back, relax and count his blessings, but no, he feels the need to constantly kill the most important people on the planet… celebrities. His long list of trophy kills in 2009 includes:

– Famous white entertainer, Michael Jackson
– Famous big nipples, Farrah Fawcett
– Famous nerd and Dungeons & Dragons creator, Dave Arneson
– Famous Golden Girl and TV abortion getter, Bea Arthur
– Famous porn star and Ivory Soap box model, Marilyn Chambers
– Famous geriatric porn star Blue Iris (why does God hate porn so much?)
– Famous creepy guy, Ron Silver
– Famous creepy guy, David Carradine
– Famous creepy guy and man of 1,000 voices, Fred Travalena
– Famous creepy magician, Danny Gans (why not Criss Angel instead?)
– Famous Burt Reynolds punching bag, Dom Deluise
– Famous lover of teens (in a good way), John Hughes
– Famous inventor of the electric guitar, Les Paul
– Famous rubber band magnet, Captain Lou Albano
– Famous not placer of Baby in the corner, Patrick Swayze
– Famous horrible skier, Natasha Richardson
– Famous fantasy granter, Ricardo Montalban
– Famous Budweiser abuser, Ed McMahon
– Famous beard dyer, Billy Mays
– Famous two-time God victim, Adam Goldstein (DJ AM)
– Famous sexy loon, Brittany Murphy
– Famous White House pussy, Socks the cat.

Well God, are you proud of yourself? Thanks for ruining everything, you ruiner!

I hope everyone has a fantastic 2010 and escapes the cruel hand of our lord and savior.

15 responses so far

Dec 30 2009

Almost sneezing!

Published by under Why?!?

almost sneezing

Thanks for cock-blocking me Mother Nature, you bitch.

Can I just have one tiny bit of pleasure in life? Is it too much to ask? I didn’t start this sneeze, I didn’t ask for this sneeze, but for the love of all things holy can you just let me finish what YOU started? Not getting that sneeze out is like going to a Metallica concert and after the stadium lights go down the fucking Spin Doctors walk out on stage and start Two Prince-ing and Little Miss Can’t be Wrong-ing all over the place. Although, nowadays it might actually be like going to a Metallica concert and Metallica walks on stage.* Can someone awesome please just walk on stage and can I PLEASE just finish this goddamn sneeze!

In other disturbing sneezing news, did you realize there is a sexual fetish for sneezing? Seriously, click here, but be warned it is kind of like porn. Kind of.

*You see, Metallica are old now and no longer rock as they once did in their youth. Therefore, if today’s Metallica took the stage it might be a disappointment, much like not being able to sneeze.

6 responses so far

Dec 29 2009

The holidays are killing me softly with fat and booze!

I’m going to try and write something real tomorrow but these fucking holidays are killing me! I’m so popular that EVERYONE wants me at their party. I never get a free moment to just sit and watch People’s Court anymore. I’m also moving in a couple weeks, so that’s sucking my ass too.

To make it up to you, I will share my favorite song about Canada.

3 responses so far

Dec 24 2009

Go celebrate your dumb holiday and leave me alone!

Published by under Awesome!

scared of santa

It’s 2:43 am and I simply have nothing to complain about right now. I just got home from a night of drinks with old friends and for once I’m in a good mood. I guess Listy is getting soft, and for this I apologize.

I hope you all have a great Holiday, thanks for listening to my bullshit. Except Guy Fieri, I hope his Christmas sucks major ass and is not at all “money.”

13 responses so far

Dec 23 2009


Published by under Jerks


I quit. I will never try to do anything again.

I found out last week, thanks to a hard-hitting article on Yahoo, that apples are bad for me. Yeah, that’s right, fucking APPLES are going to kill me. Why do I even bother getting out of bed in the morning?

Apparently apples are covered in pesticides and washing them does next to nothing to remedy that little problem. The pesticides are designed to stick to the fruit in the rain, so you have to either peel your apple or wash it in some hippie fruit cleaner to make it safe to eat. Fuck that, I’m going to fill my fat face hole with pork rinds until I die.

Why do any of us bother to do anything? You just can’t win in a world where apples are bad for you and Wild Hogs is a successful movie. Guy Fieri walks the earth with his God damn sunglasses on the back of his fat neck but John Lennon is dead? We live in a world where apples will poison you and the Kardashians are rich and famous!

I’m going to kill myself. I’ll start by eating some apples.

9 responses so far

Dec 22 2009

Polar bear clubs!

Published by under Jerks,Why?!?

polar bear club


Look at me! Look at me! I am desperate to be noticed! MY ONLY GOAL IN LIFE IS TO BE ON THE NEWS! I’m swimming in the winter, can you believe how crazy I am? Love me. WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME DADDY?!?

These are the same kind of attention hogs that ride around on tall bikes, propose marriage in wacky ways and get married in some bullshit underwater wedding. You may think I am simply against fun. You are an idiot. I like fun, but swimming in a frozen lake in the middle of winter and having your cock and balls retreat into your body, never to be seen again, is literally the exact opposite of fun.

Guess what? POLAR BEARS don’t even want to swim around in some godforsaken frozen ocean for 6 hours looking for some dumb fish to eat. It is a well documented fact that the suicide rate among polar bears is the second highest in the animal kingdom. Obviously the number one slot goes to Guy Fieri’s tapeworms.

Forget everything I just said, polar bear clubs are awesome!

14 responses so far

Dec 21 2009



Wraps. Fuck you.

22 responses so far

Dec 18 2009

Laser scissors!

laser scissors

Some of you have asked if my recent absence from the site and selling of all my possessions is related to my impending suicide. The answer to that question used to be no, but now that I am aware that laser guided scissors exist… It’s hard to say. In fact, I might even buy one of these useless pieces of shit and aim that laser right over my wrists. It would truly be fitting that the object that makes me want to kill myself is the item that actually does the killing.

Can we make a rule? When mankind has figured out how to end, or even reduce, world hunger and global warming, THEN and only then can we stick lasers to scissors and crayons and forks and whatever the fuck we want to. Until then, lasers can only be used for levels, Pink Floyd laser shows and to aim tasers at shirtless drunks on COPS. All you scrapbookers are out of luck until then.

And guess what motherfucker, your laser-guided space scissors aren’t going to do shit! Think about it, the laser is supposed to offer a guide for you to follow. If your stupid laser is attached to your stupid scissors, every time you move your stupid scissors your stupid laser moves too, stupid. Imagine if the lines in the road were attached to your car, in your mind you would always be driving right down the middle of the road.

Why am I the smartest person in the world?

12 responses so far

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