Dec 31 2009

God’s killing spree of 2009!

Published by at 3:13 am under Jerks,Sucky TV,Your Movie Stinks

vengeful god

Holy crap, God sure was busy killing his way through Hollywood this year. What is up that guy’s ass lately? You’d think the guy would just sit back, relax and count his blessings, but no, he feels the need to constantly kill the most important people on the planet… celebrities. His long list of trophy kills in 2009 includes:

– Famous white entertainer, Michael Jackson
– Famous big nipples, Farrah Fawcett
– Famous nerd and Dungeons & Dragons creator, Dave Arneson
– Famous Golden Girl and TV abortion getter, Bea Arthur
– Famous porn star and Ivory Soap box model, Marilyn Chambers
– Famous geriatric porn star Blue Iris (why does God hate porn so much?)
– Famous creepy guy, Ron Silver
– Famous creepy guy, David Carradine
– Famous creepy guy and man of 1,000 voices, Fred Travalena
– Famous creepy magician, Danny Gans (why not Criss Angel instead?)
– Famous Burt Reynolds punching bag, Dom Deluise
– Famous lover of teens (in a good way), John Hughes
– Famous inventor of the electric guitar, Les Paul
– Famous rubber band magnet, Captain Lou Albano
– Famous not placer of Baby in the corner, Patrick Swayze
– Famous horrible skier, Natasha Richardson
– Famous fantasy granter, Ricardo Montalban
– Famous Budweiser abuser, Ed McMahon
– Famous beard dyer, Billy Mays
– Famous two-time God victim, Adam Goldstein (DJ AM)
– Famous sexy loon, Brittany Murphy
– Famous White House pussy, Socks the cat.

Well God, are you proud of yourself? Thanks for ruining everything, you ruiner!

I hope everyone has a fantastic 2010 and escapes the cruel hand of our lord and savior.

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15 comments so far

15 comments to “God’s killing spree of 2009!”

  1. Saraon 31 Dec 2009 at 9:02 am

    I’m disapointed we can’t add Rush Limbaugh to this list. As I was watching the news this morning they said he had a heart attack and was in serious condition. I get to work and there’s a picture of him with a thumbs up relaxing at a hospital in Hawaii, that walking attery clot has a deal with the devil.

    Speaking of work and dying I’ve lost my job. Happy New Year! And because I’m so poor as to have no computer at home I’ll check in when I’m at my mom’s house or at the library with all the creepy guys…..god I hope that pepper blowing guy doesnt hang out there to.

  2. You Just Made My List!on 31 Dec 2009 at 9:28 am

    Sara – Wait, Rush Limbaugh gets to live but you lost your job? God is such a DICK! I’m really sorry to hear that but soon you will have a new job, a better job and you can walk into your old job and literally take a shit on your old boss’s desk. This will feel good but keep in mind you will no longer be able to use him as a reference.

    Maybe the pepper pervert can PAY you to watch you sneeze. It would be like the easiest form of prostitution.

  3. Paul in Saint Paulon 31 Dec 2009 at 10:04 am

    Sara, my neighbor lost her job – on Christmas Eve, no less – and I gave her my wireless code until she finds another one. Maybe you can find somebody nearby willing to share the bile from this column. Good luck in the meantime. Listman’s pepper-pervert-prostitution plan sounds like a good way to pay some bills while you’re looking, though I wouldn’t put it on a resumé – unless you want to explore fetish-pleasing sneezing as a career, which really doesn’t sound so bad after all.

    I’d like to add news-celebrities Walter Cronkite and Paul Harvey to the list. The former’s voice accompanied many of my family’s dinners and made me a rather news-wise precocious child; the latter’s voice nearly drove me insane as I listened as a teenager waiting for him to sneak commercials into his broadcast. It was sheer masochism.

    Also, old-time Oscar winners Karl Malden (97) and Jennifer Jones (90) were called home this year. They were both in their nineties, so it’s not such a shock, but even the ancients will be missed.

  4. You Just Made My List!on 31 Dec 2009 at 10:13 am

    Paul – Yeah, God was busy this year. I had to leave a lot of people off the list due to my extreme laziness.

  5. rachelon 31 Dec 2009 at 11:11 am

    losing swayze and “Khan” in the same year would have been bad enough…but all the rest? yikes.

    maybe the “happy new year” slogan should be changed to “hope you make it out alive”.

    well, listy and my fellow “listers”– “hope you make it out alive!”

    xoxo Rachel

  6. medontcareon 31 Dec 2009 at 12:07 pm

    guess they made Gods list , right there Listy

  7. hodanon 31 Dec 2009 at 5:07 pm

    that has got to be the most random drive by shooting ever god!
    happy new years sour puss.

  8. Yours Trulyon 01 Jan 2010 at 4:11 pm

    God, if your reading this, please don’t be such a douche in 2010.

    Keep up the good work, Listy.

  9. Anonymouson 03 Jan 2010 at 12:11 am


    Just for you, may Rush Limbaugh live and Guy Fieri give you the fudge packing of your life. Have a great New Year you Guy Fieri wannabe suck monger

  10. joeon 03 Jan 2010 at 6:50 am

    the bastard missed me, he has terrible aim. next year its either me or kutcher, one of us has to go.

  11. You Just Made My List!on 03 Jan 2010 at 7:21 pm

    Joe – You’re alive? I thought the fact that I was still living meant you were dead.

  12. UltimateChaseon 04 Jan 2010 at 6:58 pm

    Man, that guy’s anonymous hate comment is kind of a beautiful sentiment. This is a new decade. We should start over. We should pray for the health of even our most irresponsible and horrible of enemies. We should give even the spikiest-headed idiot douchebags our love and appreciation. And anal romance. You never know when you’re going to be getting plowed by some bleached haired semi-celebrity with a stupid beard and suddenly realize, “Oh my God. This is truly the fudge-packing of my life.”

  13. CreatureofHabiton 05 Jan 2010 at 7:18 am

    Happy New Year Listy and Listers – keep being awesome!

  14. jayon 08 Jan 2010 at 12:00 am

    what was the bea arthur/abortion reference all about?

    i wish i was aborted. then i wouldnt have to listen to barack obama.

  15. Ahksehl83on 01 Jul 2013 at 11:56 am

    I’m on God’s side, my only complaint is that he left some turds still living.