Have you noticed lately that I have been neglecting my duties? Well, it’s only because I have eye cancer. Actually, that’s not true. I only said that so you would feel sorry for me and not be mad that I have been lazy. I don’t even know if eye cancer is a real thing. The truth is, I’m kind of taking a little holiday break from sharing my correct opinions. I might write a little this week but, if not, I will be back Monday to rip Baby New Year a new asshole!
Hey, these dapper dudes seem pretty fun. Who doesn’t love a good joke and a quick ride on some children’s playground equipment? Who are these festive people and where did they get those cute boots?
…And murdered millions!
WHAT? I – did – not – see – that – coming!
Jeeze, Time Life, you had me reaching for my credit card there for a second. Coming off Christmas day, where I watched “A Christmas Story” for approximately six hours in a row, I guess I’m in a 1940s kind of mood, so when I saw the happy old-timey footage and heard the lovely children’s chorus, I felt all warm and cozy inside.
Well I’ll tell you what, mister, I was not ready for the twist ending and I will NOT be buying the DVD! Although, it is free shipping…
What, you expect me to write on Christmas eve? I don’t get a day off to celebrate the day before the fake birthday of a guy who may, or may not, have actually existed?
Here, you want a post? I hate people who trample other people for Holiday sales at various shit-filled stores. Can you imagine taking your final breath on the floor of a Walmart while hundreds of fat-asses in sweatpants callously walk across your dying body so they can get a fucking Xbox for their shitty, meth-addicted, Juggalo children at a 20% discount?
I continue to fail you on a daily basis. The fucking holidays and a German trade show are killing me. So in place of my usual impeccable opinions I will simply recycle something I just saw on another site. I’m not even original. Are you starting to understand why blogs suck yet?
I loved ALF when it originally aired. It had to be one of the most fucked up shows ever green-lighted for television. Anyway, here’s seven minutes of ALF outtakes featuring a foul-mouthed puppet doing cocaine and using the N-word while pretending to have Tourette syndrome. And you thought it wasn’t a good show.
If you are one of the tragic gentlemen who choose this horrifying fashion accessory but do not know what vibe you are giving off, consider this… while searching for photos of men wearing choker necklaces I was only able to find photos of shirtless man-boys. I shouldn’t have to say anything else, but I will.
Lest ye think I am calling you and your little leather noodle gay, think again, I am calling you douchey. Even the most fabulous gay cage dancer could not pull this look off.
It is curious that every photo I found to illustrate my point ended up being so homoerotic because I normally associate these chokers with suburban IT guys who suffer from premature balding. They troubleshoot your Microsoft Office issues by day and play in Puddle of Mudd cover bands by night. They drink Miller Vortex and they have strong opinions about Battlestar Galactica.
Either that or they are super gay, I can’t tell the difference anymore.
Am I a bad person for fantasizing about punching these tiny turds (girls included) square in the face? It seems like maybe that’s wrong somehow.
The basic premise is “music sung by kids, for kids,” but why? If you want your kids to listen to shitty music why not just let them listen to the original shitty versions? I PROMISE you Train’s version of “Hey Soul Sister” is adequately filled with shit and gains nothing by being performed by shitty theater brats with shit-eating grins on their shitty faces. SHIT! Just think of the sound of all their little teeth hitting the floor.
Here’s an idea… let your kids listen to real music! This is your opportunity as a parent to cram some good taste down their throats. Kids, or kidz, can comprehend and enjoy music sung by adults. Listening to Kidz Bop is like taking your child to a 9-year-old dentist.
On a side note, while researching Kidz Bop (PAINFUL) I discovered these hair-dos. Maybe they are famous? Stereo Skyline, anyone? I am speechless.
So there’s no post today but it’s not my fault. Last night was my office Christmas party and I’m surprised I’m even alive. I’m pretty sure I got someone pregnant last night but I don’t know if it was Janet from accounting or Keith the IT guy. Let’s just sum up the night with a list of things I witnessed with my own eyes… a woman throwing up into her own lap, a tow truck, a small electrical fire, 5 breasts, 1 penis (not including my own), my boss’s daughter forcing me to watch her strip totally nude in the bathroom, shoplifting, public urination, a man eat an entire XL pizza in under 7 minutes and a dog wearing pants.
Also, none of that is true, except the boss’s daughter stripping in the bathroom, that really happened but it was 12 years ago. Honestly, I was just too tired last night to write. My office party is Friday but I work with 3 people so the chance of crazy antics is low. I am sorry.