Archive for July, 2009

Jul 31 2009

Joey Greco!

Joey Greco cheaters


Joey Greco’s team of “Cheaters” cockblockers make Chris Hansen look like fucking Cupid!

Look pal, I just want to drive over to my mistress’ generic condo, buy her some drinks at the local douchebag bar, maybe take a quick ride on the mechanical bull and then it’s back to my van for a sloppy B job. If you don’t mind Joey, I would like to do all of this without you and your fancy spy cameras digitally zooming into my face and identifying me with the latest face-recognition technology from NASA. Now kindly get your lip pubes and your mysterious good looks out of my face, I need to go pick up some hard lemonade, a 3-pack of condoms and a chocolate rose before meeting my lady friend in the Olive Garden parking lot. Don’t make me expose the skeletons in your closet, “Joey.”

Good day to you!

14 responses so far

Jul 30 2009

Criss Angel – Mind Douche

criss angel douchebag

Yeah, I know I have already written about mega-fuckface Criss Angel, but I don’t have time to write anything good tonight and he’s fresh on my mind thanks to several commercials running during Dog the Bounty Hunter. I’m not sure why I just watched 3 episodes of Dog the Bounty Hunter. I am ashamed. Technically, I’m listening to it while I work. Man, that guy’s wife has some ridiculously huge tits. The Dog family appears to love mullets and Jesus in equal parts. I think I will paint a portrait of Jesus with a mullet and a bunch of dreamcatchers in his hair, and send it to Dog. He will shit his leather pants!

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Crissy. I almost hate Criss Angel as much as Guy Fieri, but at least Criss knows how to wear sunglasses on the front of his god damn motherfucking face. Can someone tell me why Criss Angel is always pointing at me? Keep your filthy finger up Carrot Top’s ass and out of my face, you piece of shit. It must take so much effort making sure you have enough “Thunderdome” outfits to last every day of the week.

Back to Dog the Bounty Hunter for a second… Apparently every person who lives in Hawaii is a major drug addict. Why do all these dirt bags get to live in paradise while I dick around in the stupid Midwest? Why do I do everything wrong?

I quit.

21 responses so far

Jul 29 2009

Men’s jeans with pocket flaps!

mens jeans pocket flaps

No, no, no, no, no, no! Never do this this to yourself. For the love of god, have some self respect.

Unless you are worried about pickpockets or losing your change while doing a handstand at your friend’s shitty wedding (see Jill the whore and Kevin’s wedding video) there is no reason a man should ever have dainty flaps on his jean pockets. Now you reply in an annoying voice, “but it’s fashion, I’m just trying to look cool.” God, I hate your voice. Listen, I understand wanting to look good but the trick to looking good as a guy is to look like you aren’t trying too hard. Actually, you shouldn’t really try too hard.

Stick with the basics and you can avoid looking back at old photos with shame from all the trends you followed over the years. Sadly, I did not learn this until my early 20s and have college photos of me, a skinny suburban white kid, dressed as a member of De La Soul. I could often be found looking like an extra on “Do The Right Thing.” Luckily, I did not dress hip hoppy every day, but I did it enough to feel ashamed for the rest of my life.

I hate to be the one to break the bad news to you, but if you are a guy who wears jeans with pocket flaps, you need to be aware that the world looks at your fancy ass and says, “That guy is gay.” If you are a gay man who wears these jeans, the world is looking at you and saying, “That gay guy is wearing those straight guy gay pants.” In either scenario you are being horribly misunderstood.

In summation, your pocket flap pants are douchey and your douchey ass is douchey for wearing them you douchebag.

14 responses so far

Jul 28 2009

Fucking Jill and Kevin’s fucking stupid fucking wedding video!!!

Published by under Jerks

jill and kevin wedding video

Fuck you Jill, fuck you Kevin and fuck you anyone who has emailed this video with a little note that says “OMG this is awesome! Hilarious, a MUST SEE!”

There are a lot of things about this video that offend me, but the thing that REALLY makes me insane is the fact that this wacky dancing wedding shit is OLD NEWS! Jill and Kevin are way at the end of a long list of douchebags who worked up some lame wedding dance in an attempt to find internet fame. Why is everyone acting like Kevin and his whore bride Jill have invented something new? Yeah, Jill is a whore by the way.

At least the shitheads who did the Thriller dance at their wedding a few years ago put some effort into it. Jill, Kevin and their fat-fuck friends thought it was good enough to put on sunglasses and randomly convulse their way down the aisle. Oh, the fucking sunglasses make me so fucking mad. The kind of people who think a pair of sunglasses paired with a suit make you look “cool” are the same tools who slap on a Hawaiian shirt (tucked into khaki shorts of course) and a plastic lei before heading to the Jimmy Buffet concert. You see, the Hawaiian shirt conveys a general fondness for the beach party lifestyle while the plastic lei says “Hey bro, I own over 15 CDs and close to 30 MP3s so obviously I know how to party!”

The other thing that really perplexes me about Jill (the whore) and Kevin is that they chose to use a Chris Brown song in their wedding ceremony. I think Chris Brown best summed up what it means to be in love when he said, “Bitch, I love beatin’ yo ass! Now git da fuck outta my car, bitch! Yeah, I know it’s still moving you stupid fucking ho, now jump out dat window before I punch some mo love into yo teeth!”

Can everyone PLEASE stop trying to make their weddings into an internet sensation? Here’s a wacky idea, concentrate on what it means to be getting married and stop trying to be the next big thing on youtube. Is there anyone left on the planet who does not want to be famous or a public spectacle?

I hope Jill and Kevin (the whore’s husband) are eaten by a shark on their honeymoon. I hope their plane crashes into the mouth of a shark. I hope their plane crashes into the mouth of a shark and on the way down Jill cheats on Kevin with the guy sitting next to them. I hope that she gets pregnant during this quick fling and gets an abortion right there on the plane in front of Kevin and her new lover. I hope the guy who impregnates Jill on Kevin’s lap has swine flu. I hope the shark that eats Jill, Kevin, Jill’s aborted fetus, Jill’s lover, and the plane has AIDS.

Too far?

38 responses so far

Jul 27 2009

Kirk Cameron, bananas, peanut butter and intelligent design!

Published by under Jerks

Can you believe there are still Americans who reject science? I can. Just look at the popularity of that fucking dolt, Sarah Palin! I’m trying to think of something funny to say about these ridiculous, religious morons, but nothing I write could ever be as funny as just letting them speak for themselves. Up is down, black is white and peanut butter is a perfectly reasonable metaphor for the planet Earth? Fuck me.

To call these people retarded would be an incredible insult to retarded people. These assholes actively choose to be stupid. They choose to ignore the overwhelming facts that disprove their childish theories. To say they stick their heads in the sand is an insult to sand. I’m not sure exactly why, but it just is. Get your dumb head out of my sand!

In this clip, Kirk Cameron and some douchebag present “the atheist’s nightmare,” the banana!!! Kirk sits there with his trademark vacant shit-eating grin while Mustache jerks off a banana and spews his 1st grade deductions. By the way fuck face, here’s God’s banana, what you are holding is a domesticated banana created by man! Idiots.

Proof that either God does not exist or he’s a shitty product designer. Get your head out of your ass, God!

If you are a fan of intelligent design, take a good look at one of your “scholars.” Imbecile.

My head is literally spinning from all these dimwits. This is the only thing that can make me feel better. This and about 15 beers.

22 responses so far

Jul 24 2009

This lady and her stupid sun visor!

windshield sun visor

A wave of panic just came over me because I realized this post is going to SUCK!

While I sat alone in my car eating dark chocolate Hersey’s Kisses this afternoon (yeah, it’s a lonely life) I watched this lady struggle for about 4 minutes with her windshield sun visor. It would go up, wiggle around a little, then come back down. I watched this happen for about 1/2 a bag of Kisses. For the record, I go to the gym a few times a week, so I’m fucking allowed to eat a bag of chocolate by myself in a parking lot if I want. What makes your life so perfect? Huh? Huh? You want a piece of me?*

Anyhoo… this dipshit probably spent more time setting up this visor then than she spent in the drug store picking up adult diapers and a box of Shamwows. Hey, I just thought of something… Shamwow Diapers!

What is the point of this? The point is, it wasn’t even hot today!

God, this is a dumb post. I promise after a little weekend rest I will stop sucking so much.

*Said while pulling off shirt and spitting dark chocolate

27 responses so far

Jul 23 2009

Pet psychics!

Published by under Jerks

Sonya Fitzpatrick fake pet psychic

You know why I hate these people? Because I am jealous. I am jealous that I am not evil enough to scam people out of their money by pretending to understand every thought their dirty ferret has swimming around in its pea-sized brain. I’m jealous that I am too embarrassed to actually sit there with your cat and tell you with a straight face that “Mittens occasionally has suicidal fantasies.”

I’m pretty sure if you could hear a dog’s thoughts it would sound something like this, “hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, food, duh, hi, hi, hi…”

I have had the pleasure(?) of watching Sonya Fitzpatrick, the turd in the above photo, give several readings in person. It’s a long story, but I was at an event for celebrities and their dogs a few years ago in Hollywood. Sonya Fitzpatrick was there spewing shit at an alarming rate while these idiots ate it up like hyper Boston Terriers sucking poo straight from the ass of a Golden Retriever. One after one these actors would stare wide-eyed at Sonya while she explained that Dodger “just hasn’t felt the same since the ice cream incident.” I glared at Sonya every time she was near me hoping she could hear my thoughts.

35 responses so far

Jul 22 2009

This bumper sticker and pissing Calvin in general!

osama bin laden pissing calvin

In case you can’t see where Calvin has decided to aim his pee this time, it says “Bin Laden.” That little scamp just loves to piss on things!

I’m sure this turd likes to fancy himself as a classic American tough guy, but is wishing that a toddler would urinate on a the man who masterminded the biggest terrorist attack on American soil all that hardcore? Is that the best you’ve got?

OK Osama, this child has clearly emptied his bladder on you while maintaining his trademark devil-may-care attitude, what do you have to say for yourself? Do you promise to stop blowing things up? Don’t make me sic Dennis the Menace on your ass! I will NOT HESITATE to bounce a basketball off your forehead, just try me!

Not to mention, Bin Laden is soooooo 2001. He could barely even make it onto TMZ at this point. It’s a all about Heidi and Spencer now. HELLOOOOOOOOOO!

Why is everyone so dumb? Why am I so awesome?

15 responses so far

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