Aug 10 2008

Criss Angel, Super Douche!

Published by at 11:42 pm under Jerks,Sucky TV

Please explain to me how it is possible for Criss Angel to have fans. PLEASE, I need to know. I can not sleep soundly knowing there are people who like this magical turd. I find it difficult to even have the will to live in a world that includes one Criss Angel fan. What is WRONG with you people?!? Even Carrot top is like “look at this fucking tool.”

I just had to take a shower because I accidentally looked at that photo for too long.

Let’s not even bother discussing this jerks Trent-Reznor-meets-Creed-meets-a-homeless-guy’s-butthole fashion sense. Can we all agree he looks like an asshole and move on to the important stuff? Good, thanks.

My main problem with Criss Angel is really more of a criticism of his fans and their willingness to be stupid. Magic only works if you are unable to figure out how a trick is done. However, to believe in the “magic” of Criss Angel you need to convince yourself the ability to edit video has not yet been invented.

I made the mistake of eating too much leftover pizza the other day and was rendered motionless on the couch unable to change the channel. The end result was me watching Criss Angel’s Spyglass Hotel building implosion “escape.” Are you fucking kidding me? Here’s the gist of the escape. Criss Angel is handcuffed by a fake cop to the balcony of a hotel that is about to be blown up. Angel has to escape the handcuffs and get to the roof where a helicopter awaits. To complicate matters all of the doors between the balcony and the roof have been padlocked by the pretend cop. Cameras have been placed throughout the hotel to show us his progress. He gets to the last door to the roof and blah blah blah he can’t get the lock open. As the building implodes the cameras just so happen to cut to static. Oh my god, no way, did I just witness Criss Angel’s death? Will the implosion company ever find work again after killing Criss Angel? Wait a minute, what’s this… thank God, Criss emerges on cue out of the rubble with all the acting skills of a 6th grader.

How did he do it? Like everything else he does, it was a combination of pre-taped video and extreme doucheness. I’m not going to go into a long explanation but for some reason Fox news did (see below).

Here’s the entire mess:

Fox News’ hard-hitting explanation of the escape:

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27 comments so far

27 comments to “Criss Angel, Super Douche!”

  1. guilty noodleson 11 Aug 2008 at 11:03 am

    What the hell happened Carrot Top? Why does he look like that?

    I don’t know who Criss Angel is, but thanks for giving me a migraine this morning with the play-by-play… can’t believe you sat through it. Sounds painful.

  2. You Just Made My List!on 11 Aug 2008 at 11:09 am

    That’s actually a GOOD photo of Carrot Top! Haven’t you seen him lately? He looks like a cross between an old lady with too much plastic surgery and the Incredible Hulk. I would still rather hang with the Top over Criss Angel.

  3. Creature of Habiton 12 Aug 2008 at 8:34 am

    Why does he spell his name “Criss”….how awful.

    He sounds like a fantastic idiot. I hate him and I don’t even know who he is.

  4. you a doucheon 13 Aug 2008 at 2:06 pm

    OMG you are totally like those assholes who tell you the end of the movie at the start or ruin the magic trick by telling you how they do it. Here’s an idea instead of being a self richeous dick how about you find some thing productive to do…

  5. you a doucheon 13 Aug 2008 at 2:08 pm

    If you don’t like watching this guy on tv instead of wasting money on hosting this awful website spend da money Direct tv or a blueray collection…

  6. You Just Made My List!on 13 Aug 2008 at 2:21 pm

    Thanks “you a douche” for the good ideas!

    I’m really sorry if I ruined the Criss Angel trick for you, I guess I assumed you had already seen it. SHIT, I AM SO SORRY!

    Maybe I’m wrong, I suppose it’s possible Criss Angel really is magic.

  7. you a doucheon 13 Aug 2008 at 7:54 pm

    no Kris angle sucks and his tricks are as bad as your put downs…

  8. You Just Made My List!on 13 Aug 2008 at 8:12 pm

    Wait, who is “Kris Angle?” Maybe that’s our problem “you a douche.” I think we may be talking about different people. I don’t know about this Kris guy but Criss Angel also sucks.

    Wait, why can you say he sucks but I can’t? I’m so confused by your mind games “you a douche.” You are a real mindfreak.

  9. Mr. Kickers Sr.on 14 Aug 2008 at 12:49 am

    Is “you a douche” too busy blogging the interweb to worry about correct spelling, grammar, punctuation, or syntax. His shitty attempts at sentence construction are infinitely more entertaining than “Kris Angle”.

    I am going to take his advice and “spend da money Direct tv or blueray collection…”

    If you are mentally challenged, or 8 years old, “you a douche”, I apologize for taking your writing to task. However, if you are a teen-ager or older, you need to work on your communication skills…or get your ass back to work making my Subway sandwich. The way you write makes me not care about what you are attempting to say.

    Regarding Mr. Angel: I also somehow caught the live telecast (my Taco Bell shift had ended). It was fucking ridiculous. The cameras in the building went dead before the building even came down (if they tried to explain this in the post-trick wrap up, I apologize because I was too bored to continue watching). The set-up was so simplistic and generic, I quickly realized that they were going to stage that something was going to go wrong…the premise of him just escaping form hand-cuffs and two doors was too bland. Plus, they kept drilling the point that the copter had to evacuate the area over the building by certain time…plus, were we really supposed to believe that they would continue to blow the building if the trick truly did go wrong and he was really trapped (I prayed to Zeus it was all true- that would have been awesome!). The illusion was lame. I watched long enough to confirm what I already knew…that he would walk from the rubble of the building.

    He should pull a real stunt like truly killing himself on live television. That would be ratings gold…see what 8 years of a Bush presidency does to the American spirit? We can’t even believe in magic anymore!

  10. nobodyon 08 Oct 2008 at 9:36 pm

    I am just a nobody but i think that criss angel is a homosexual and I agree with the “LIVE SUICIDE” thing. I’d PAY to see THAT SHIT….And the fact that that guy even has FANS is AMAZING.

  11. bad asson 06 Aug 2010 at 6:25 pm

    Way to go, Mr. Angel. I worked for a major cruiseline company for ten years and I’ve seen some really amazing magicians in that time. But the wool you pulled over the viewer’s eyes in your canyon jump—and notice I said viewer’s and not a crowd—beats them all. The cloud formation on the upper far right of the viewer screen in your video shows a definite bump in sequence, and then a change in structure a split second before your fireball consumed the entire screen. That, of course, indicates you and your fancy formula racer stopped three-fourths the way up your ramp. Minutes later, so the cloud structure in the back ground wouldn’t have enough time to change too much, your chopper pilot returned, picked you up, and then returned to the same position, now with you inside the cage.

  12. yall suck criss rockson 22 Sep 2010 at 3:22 pm

    wow yall are all dumb arguing over stupid shit…. dont be hating him because he found something useful to do with his lifee…mr or miss tacobell

  13. You Just Made My List!on 22 Sep 2010 at 5:59 pm

    Another genius Criss Angel fan checking in with their own unique version of the English language.

  14. patyon 04 Oct 2010 at 1:05 pm

    Any good magician can pull off a good trick no matter what. The fact that the people on the street didn’t see it coming doesn’t mean they don’t know it was a trick, it means they weren’t expecting him to do what he did. By the way I found a website that give you prizes for your opinions and 4 play games here is the topic about Chris:
    http://opinion.ezwingame.com/topics/chris-angel-real-or-fake

  15. HALon 02 Aug 2011 at 2:53 am

    Totally right: Angel is the BIGGEST FRAUD in magic. “Digital compositing” does the magic. “Grand Canyon Jump” He drives part way up the ramp and stops. Edit to empty ramp. Same on the left side, empty cage, edit to Criss in cage. The explosion is composited later. The sudden movement of the clouds gives it away. “Disappearing on bike in mid air” The jump is taped, then the explosion, composited together. Notice the explosion lights up the 35 story building, but has no effect on the bike. He sucks, a total FRAUD.
    If you’d like to know how he does other phony tricks, be glad to tell you, nana12027@comcast.net

  16. georgeon 30 Aug 2011 at 10:33 pm

    Criss Angel is an insult to hard working magicians as well as anybody that tunes in to his “magic” bullshit.
    My 6 year old neice can do the “magic” he does with a video camera and the right editors. Remember the “heavy sewer cover” in front of the two “spectators? It was conveinent how the camera followed him out of the shot so he could get the tool to lift it and then followed him again to set it back down. He can’t even perform a small scale trick without the help of “hollywood magic”. 95% of the stuff he does on his TV show is impossible to do on stage in front of a REAL audience. He needs to be in front of a green screen.
    I think his greatest trick ever was obtaining a fan base.
    What a giant douche bag.

  17. HALon 04 Sep 2011 at 8:42 pm

    Another one of Criss’ amazing “Demonstrations” was the ‘Levitation/Vanish”. When he did the ‘Grand Canyon’ FARCE, he claimed it was too dangerous to have an audience. That’s because you could clearly see it was a video effect. With the vanish, he said he wanted to be alone.
    This was an effect often used in movies. All he did was cover himself with the sheet, and drop it. HE didn’t go anywhere. As his image appears in the video, the computer program takes pixels from the backround behind him, and drags what is there (in this case, the clouds and sky) to cover his image. And his famous quote is, “I won’t do a demonstration unless I can perform it live, I JUST WON’T DO IT. You have to be right on, otherwise it will be on the Internet in two seconds”. Guess what Criss, IT IS all over the internet. Criss Angel is 150% BULLSHIT.

  18. The Contractoron 23 Sep 2011 at 11:45 am

    Wow … I so enjoyed reading the spleen vent diatribes of no talent, no marks dissing a major entertainer. The proverbial bottom line is a lot of people enjoy his gig, he makes a hell of a lot of money, and is on the “A-List” for parties most will never get a glimpse of. Ah, jealousy, thy eyes are such a lovely shade of green. Blow it out your ass You Just Made My List … you’re nobody with a shitty little web page trying to be someone via negative actions.

    It’s easy, even for a retard such as you, to pull someone down … to make a legitimate positive contribution is something hose monkeys such as yourself just can’t seem to do. You are reminiscent of the alleged “sports reporters” who never played anything but with their own dick eeking out a living by ripping stars in the various sports … pathetic wankers be you all. Continue to spread the disease of stupid, loser, I see you have all of about a half dozen “fans” … most of which are probably you posting under another name. Hey, since you find it so painful living in a world with Criss Angle types in it … go ahead and hang yourself … do it today.

  19. You Just Made My List!on 23 Sep 2011 at 1:28 pm

    Contractor – Wow, you sound like an easy-going, fun person to be around. I love that you speak like a low-rent wizard, It made for a good read. Your passion for Crisssss Angel is equal parts baffling and just plain creepy. Seriously, what kind of a man gets this worked up because someone poked fun at their favorite dipshit magician? Are you 8-years-old?

    You bring up two classic, predictable and boring points that have been used over and over on this website…
    1) A person is validated and somehow instantly talented if they are popular on American TV. Please explain the Kardashians for me.
    2) I’m a sad loser who blah blah blah. Whatever makes you feel better about your weird obsession with a “magician.”

  20. HALon 23 Sep 2011 at 3:19 pm

    Contractor: You are evidently one of the gullible people who fall for Angel’s phony act. Look at the videos of his ‘Demonstrations’. You can see he doesn’t do these great tricks. COMPUTERS DO THEM. Read the reviews of his ‘beLIEve’ farce. People want their money back, they claim the can see how he does the tricks, most say the show sucks. Spend you money on Copperfield or Penn & Teller, they do magic. Angel is just a stooge in his own act. Look up ‘Digital compositing’ on Wikipedia, this is how Angel does his tricks. Go on ‘youtube’ under ‘Criss Angel revealed’ and see how he does his magic. He’s the biggest insult to magic in history. A CON MAN. Look at the video above of the ‘Building Implosion’. I posted on the A&E site how he would do this phony trick a week before it aired LIVE. Of course it wasn’t all live, it was a pre-recorded tape. FAKE FAKE FAKE

  21. Assholeon 30 Jan 2012 at 11:17 pm

    Criss angel is the greatest douchbag who walked this planet.. It chills my blood just to look at him… Asshole..

  22. Amberon 05 May 2012 at 9:07 am

    It’s something fun to watch, I doubt many people actually believe he does that stuff..but people like you look way too much into things. Besides, he’s some yummy eye candy!! <3

  23. You Just Made My List!on 05 May 2012 at 1:29 pm

    Amber – You don’t look enough into things.

  24. imthatguyon 24 Sep 2012 at 9:35 am

    he may be fake but one things for sure. he could buy your ass in a heartbeat!!!

  25. You Just Made My List!on 24 Sep 2012 at 12:55 pm

    It’s the good old “he makes money than you” argument that makes so much sense. Grow up, you little turd.

  26. MidnightNightmareon 17 Mar 2013 at 6:45 am

    Hey! Your just another person who needs to get fucking laid and casted off into another dimension. Criss is the magician not you, so you know what you need to do? go find someone who gives a fuck and have them shove their dick up your ass. get laid and get a life.

  27. You Just Made My List!on 17 Mar 2013 at 1:57 pm

    MidnightNightmare – First, kudos on the the scary sounding user name. MIDNIGHT NIGHTMARE, the WORST kind of nightmare! You are lucky I’m in a good mood today because I am actually going to take your advice. I posted the following ad on craigslist, I will let you know what happens…

    Non-magician seeking caring person to shove their dick up my ass

    Good morning! I am a non-magician who desperately wants to find someone who cares. I’m not picky but you MUST care about something, otherwise do not waste my time. Another thing… you MUST have a penis, sorry ladies. Once I know for sure that you care I will need you to shove your penis in my butthole. The amount of time you spend in my butt will be up to you, I’m just looking for general insertion.

    NO STRINGS ATTACHED!

    Please help me get laid and get a life by filling my non-magical anus with your penis. Nights and weekends work best.