Jul 30 2009

Criss Angel – Mind Douche

Published by at 3:30 am under Jerks,Sucky TV

criss angel douchebag

Yeah, I know I have already written about mega-fuckface Criss Angel, but I don’t have time to write anything good tonight and he’s fresh on my mind thanks to several commercials running during Dog the Bounty Hunter. I’m not sure why I just watched 3 episodes of Dog the Bounty Hunter. I am ashamed. Technically, I’m listening to it while I work. Man, that guy’s wife has some ridiculously huge tits. The Dog family appears to love mullets and Jesus in equal parts. I think I will paint a portrait of Jesus with a mullet and a bunch of dreamcatchers in his hair, and send it to Dog. He will shit his leather pants!

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Crissy. I almost hate Criss Angel as much as Guy Fieri, but at least Criss knows how to wear sunglasses on the front of his god damn motherfucking face. Can someone tell me why Criss Angel is always pointing at me? Keep your filthy finger up Carrot Top’s ass and out of my face, you piece of shit. It must take so much effort making sure you have enough “Thunderdome” outfits to last every day of the week.

Back to Dog the Bounty Hunter for a second… Apparently every person who lives in Hawaii is a major drug addict. Why do all these dirt bags get to live in paradise while I dick around in the stupid Midwest? Why do I do everything wrong?

I quit.

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21 comments so far

21 comments to “Criss Angel – Mind Douche”

  1. Jeffon 30 Jul 2009 at 4:24 am

    Grammar alert!

    ‘Apparently every person who lives in Hawaii is *A* major drug addict’.

  2. jasonon 30 Jul 2009 at 5:29 am

    Can’t really bag on Criss Angel I believe he is currently banging one of Hugh Hefner’s former paramours.

    I can however bag on the dog pound. His FORMER wife does have ginormous tits but she also is sorta round in the belly area, which lessons the wow factor of the tits.
    THE MULLETS, how is it that someone gets on TV for something other than Jerry Springer with these fucking mullets? Dog cannot be washing his hair with all the shit he has dangling from his head like so many dingleberries caught in the ass hair around the anus.
    I guess if you’re poor and liviing in Hawaii the only things to do are eat pineapple and wild pig and smoke meth.

  3. You Just Made My List!on 30 Jul 2009 at 7:10 am

    Jeff – Thanks, but I would have referred to it as a typo rather than a grammar mistake.

    Jason – Wait, Dog and Beth got divorced? You mean Beth is “on the market?” I guess I need to move to Hawaii ASAP! I’m going to have tweak my look a little if I want her to even look in my direction. I need more leather pants! Where does one buy native American hair accessories?

    Jason and Xina – I had a very long dream about you guys last night. In may dream you were married and my neighbors. Xina had me over while Jason was at work and was trying to seduce me. It was working but Jason came home and cock-blocked the shit out of everything. Sorry Xina, you almost had me. You guys had 3 refrigerators in your kitchen and Jason let me borrow a really nice vintage Fender Telecaster.

  4. jasonon 30 Jul 2009 at 8:57 am

    Listy, that is the rumor. Beth may be available but Xina isn’t she just hasn’t yet recognized how much we were meant to be. I will not be dream cuckoled! BTW I want the Fender back if you’re gonna bang my dream wife.

  5. You Just Made My List!on 30 Jul 2009 at 9:11 am

    Jason – In the dream I returned the guitar. I put it on a couch in your garage and put a blonde wig on it. In the dream I thought it was going to be hilarious when you found it. (this is all true)

  6. Perryon 30 Jul 2009 at 10:14 am

    “The Dog family appears to love mullets and Jesus in equal parts. I think I will paint a portrait of Jesus with a mullet and a bunch of dreamcatchers in his hair, and send it to Dog. He will shit his leather pants!”

    This truly made me laugh out loud! Your recent rants have been awesome, man.

  7. You Just Made My List!on 30 Jul 2009 at 10:23 am

    Thanks Perry. Perry wins best commenter of the day. The rest of you need to tell me how awesome I am more often!

  8. freakon 04 Aug 2009 at 10:04 pm

    fuck all of you and this stupid page

  9. You Just Made My List!on 05 Aug 2009 at 8:48 am

    Freak – You make a good argument, especially about this “page.” I shall rethink my opinion of Criss Angel based on your many good points.

  10. Christinaon 17 Aug 2009 at 5:26 pm

    Hey, asshole! YOU just made MY list! Criss Angel is an incredibly talented individual and deserves the respect that YOU give to NOBODY! You wanna trash a reputation? Do it to someone who actually deserves it! Like that bitch-ass ex-wife of his!

  11. You Just Made My List!on 17 Aug 2009 at 5:37 pm

    Christina – Talented? Talented at what, video editing? Don’t be so silly all your life.

  12. […] what’s the worst thing about Cirque du Soleil? They gave this fuck face a job. If that doesn’t suck the whimsy out of you, nothing will. Share the […]

  13. slamphearon 31 Jul 2010 at 9:14 pm

    yes kris, I believe, now bend the fuck over

  14. Lisabethon 01 Jun 2011 at 9:06 pm

    at rehab, in the dayroom, I was surrounded by detoxing fools watching mind douche amazed, and in shock, and awe at how “this HAS to be for real” (actual quote)….does that enlighten you to his demographics?

  15. HALon 31 Aug 2011 at 11:58 am

    Angel is a TOTAL FRAUD. “Levitation/Vanish”. He’s hanging from a crane. The disappearing part is computer generated. It’s a “cloning process”, used in movies. When he drops the sheet, his image is replaced by pixels from the backround (in this case, clouds) which are dragged to cover his image.
    “Motorcycle vanish in mid air”. It’s ‘Digital Compositing’. They tape the jump, then the explosion. It’s a composite picture. Notice how the explosion lights to the big building, but has no effect on the bike which is only feet away.
    “5 coffin escape” Not hard to figure out. The secret is they switch the bag with the numbered balls. He starts out in coffin 3. The bag has balls numbered 1, 2, 4, 5. Say the spectator picks #2. 1, 4, & 5 remain. He goes in #4….Bag now has 1, 2, 3, 5.

    If you’d like to know his PHONY VIDEO tricks, e-mail me
    nana12027@comcast.net be glad to expose the biggest FAKE in magic history.

  16. georgeon 03 Sep 2011 at 2:37 pm

    Criss Angel is the biggest fraud in magic. He should’nt even be considered a magician. Anybody can do the same shit he does with a camera and a computer. Oh, and an audience on the payroll. Can anybody tell me why, after every fake, shitty trick he does he tries to eat the camera? His greatest trick? Getting his own fucking show. What a load.

  17. bibion 08 Sep 2011 at 8:57 am

    To George,you are stupid,I met him no one times,all he makes is Illusions,know what Illusion mean,probably not,Criss is one of nicest,lovely,down to earth people I ever met..He is great Illusionist and even more amazing human being

  18. You Just Made My List!on 08 Sep 2011 at 12:46 pm

    bibi – This is a serious question, no joke… Can you PLEASE explain to me why you don’t know how to use basic punctuation? I see it over and over again from a lot of commentors on this website. Why don’t you know there is a space needed after a comma? Why don’t you know the difference between a period and a comma? I HONESTLY want to know this. Is English your second language?

  19. georgeon 25 Nov 2011 at 9:44 pm

    To bibi, you is stupid again … also.crissy is a no magic! He tHink be he tryin to be daVid Copperfeild?But he does uses too many trickry what cameras…?, :”
    Go fucka you!

  20. You Just Made My List!on 25 Nov 2011 at 9:48 pm

    If you read George’s comment with an exaggerated Italian voice, like Mario, it makes it more fun.

  21. Ahksehl83on 01 Jul 2013 at 10:36 am

    I think we have all known someone like this total douche bag. The idiot that gets by on life by doing very little, only because he is “cute”. Well, they never do well in the long run. When people tire of them and when they get old they have to start actually producing something of value. Posing and wearing eyeshadow stop cutting it at some point, and then everyone notices that said person is just an idiot and was the whole time.