Let me go ahead and stop anyone who is going to make the argument that “it’s refreshing to see ‘interesting’ people model instead of the same old generic beautiful people.” Bullshit! If you think that the fashion world is seeking higher moral ground with these turd faces then you are dumber than Guy Fieri. The fashion industry is filled with borderline-retarded people who are way too narcissistic to ever think that far ahead. It’s weird for the sake of being weird.
I don’t want to see “normal” people model. I want to see textbook-perfect looking models who make you angry they are so beautiful. I want them to make me look in the mirror and hate what I see. I want to doubt everything about myself when I see their perfectly formed bodies sent to earth by God on the backs of winged puppies. Give me a Heidi Klum any day over these gap-toothed alien faces. Heidi Klum literally makes me want to punch myself in the face for being less of a person. This should be the goal of all models, to make the rest of us hate our lives.
I was all set to write about something completely different today until a Mighty Mighty Bosstones song started playing at the gym. As soon as the disgusting, throaty, barf bag* vocals of Dicky Barrett entered my ears I instantly knew I would be changing today’s post. THEN out of nowhere some guy walked by bathed in AXE body spray. As I lay there on the floor like a fish out of water desperately trying to breathe while the Bosstones mocked me from the speakers above I realized this was the single worst moment of my life. It was as if all of my fears had become real. I began to cry, the kind of crying normally reserved for children. The kind that turns your breathing in to a series of violent convulsions. The crying along with the AXE that still hung in a thick cloud around me caused me to pass out. “Is this what they mean by the AXE effect?” I thought as the world turned dark and blurry.
I woke up in the hospital (which is where I’m writing this) with tubes and wires covering my body. The doctors told me my body had literally shut down from “an overwhelming amount of sucky shit.”
*I think I stole the “barf bag” description of Dicky Barrett’s vocal style from a review I read years ago.
I’m on the brink of barfing up the lasagna I just ate just from the mere thought of my shins. Thinking of a thin layer of skin over bone makes me asjhgdddddddddddddd… Sorry, I passed out and my head landed on the keyboard.
I hate all areas of the body where skin is next to bone or cartilage without a layer of delicious fat. My ranking from bad to worse is as follows:
1) Fingers – Not horrible but close to upsetting me.
2) Nose – My face hurts just from thinking about the bridge of my nose.
3) Sternum – I want to crawl out of my skin when I think of my sternum.
4) Shins – FUCK OFF!
My hatred of shins began when I was a child and spent most of my summers with bruised and scraped legs. I remember one day when my shoelaces got tangled in my bicycle and I was forced to hobble home several blocks with my boney shins bumping and scraping against the pedals with every step. I’m pretty sure I cried the entire way home while tied to my yellow Schwinn Stingray. Side note: why the fuck did my parents buy me a yellow bike and why didn’t I just take my shoes off rather than limp home like an idiot? I hate myself.
I saw A LOT of short, sassy mom hair last week on vacation starting with this gem of a hairdo at the airport. This woman wants the world to know that the kids are in college and she’s ready to put on a comfortable pair of Crocs and get tipsy on 1 and a half margaritas. Oh what the hay, she might even order it with salt on the rim. I’m guessing someone is going to get his bald head rubbed too.
The thing that makes sassy mom hair so special is the fact that, unlike the mullet, it’s party up front and an even bigger party in the back. The whole fucking head is in party mode!
Wait, do I like sassy hair or hate it? I can’t tell anymore.
I’m back from vacation and ready to complain so let’s get started!
Imagine that it is early morning and you find yourself in line at an airport McDonalds. It is a slow moving line but one that offers a good view of the 5 things available on the menu. You don’t even bother glancing at the board though because even though you only eat at McDonalds 4 times a year you have their fart-inducing menu memorized. You probably even know the number of the meal deal you want. It’s all so easy and soon you will be pooping your McDonalds in a Mexican toilet. Life is good.
Now imagine standing in line behind some creepy guy on his way to a creepy Christian camp who is holding a creepy dirty pillow covered in his creepy head filth. Although the sight of this pillow is almost enough to make you second guess breakfast you stick with it because you have a 4 hour long flight to Mexico in a couple minutes. You are FINALLY the second person in line and only have to wait for shit pillow to order and move on. Surely pillow man will say something like “I’ll have a #4 with a medium orange juice” and be on his way to the most funnest Christian camp in the world!
What happens next baffles you though. When dirty pillow is ready to order he says, “um, do you have donuts?” Donuts? McDonuts? When told no he says, “Really, no donuts? Um, how about rolls? Bagels?” ROLLS? DONUTS?
Well, it’s my last day of vacation and I thought it would be nice to head into the weekend with a true classic. Christian Bale isn’t worthy to hold Jack Rebney’s dirty underwear! Now THIS is how to go nuts on the set! I’m so old I first saw the Winnebago Man before all this “internet” business. Yeah, I saw it on good old fashioned VHS video tape! See you losers Monday!
“It ain’t worth it. Not this shit, it ain’t fucking worth it.”
I’m still on vacation and no doubt drunk. I’m writing this a week before I actually leave for the beach but I’m guessing as you read this I am currently being oiled up on the beach by 4 sexy island women. Does anyone miss me?
I love cable access weirdness! It does not get much weirder than John Kilduff’s “Let’s Paint, Exercise and…” program. GENIUS! More Let’s Paint TV here.