Archive for July, 2008

Jul 31 2008

Restaurants in the sky!

Published by under Jerks,Why?!?

I have never wanted to see a crane collapse as much as when I stare into the soulless faces of these jerks. How bored do you have to be to pay something like $20,000 to eat while hanging from a fucking crane? You will not find a human being on this planet who is more bored than me and yet I somehow have avoided calling “Dinner in the Sky” to come hoist my lazy ass 150 feet in the air for a little fine dining while strapped to a chair like a turd. YAY, now you have a lame story to tell all your lame friends down at the country club.

If I didn’t know this was real I would assume it was an internet gag. The best part? Here’s the first item on their FAQ page…

“Toilet Facilities – It’s like in a normal restaurant: you ask where they are to the waiter and… you go down. It’s just a bit less discreet because the whole table goes down but it takes less than a minute.”

It’s not going to take less than a minute if it’s me who’s using the toilet facilities. “Hey everyone, I know you all paid like a million dollars to eat up in the sky so all the poor people could watch but I need to take this bitch down for a sec. I REALLY have to shit you guys. Sorry but I am touching cloth over here. Very expensive cloth.”

Hey rich jerks, YOU WON ALREADY! You don’t need to prove it by eating from a crane for all to see.

4 responses so far

Jul 30 2008

Six Flags and their annoying commercials!

I never thought I would actually long for the days when Mr. Six danced his fake old ass off to that piece of shit song but then Six Flags rolled out their “Fun-O-Meter” campaign. Sheesh.

Mr. Six and that song almost took me to the edge of suicide on a number of occasions. He started to appear in my dreams, I stopped showering, I ate dog food and I lost my job. I would sit in the corner wearing nothing more than a bow tie and a KFC bucket on my head. I rocked back and forth quietly singing “ba ba ba ba ba bababa, ba ba ba ba ba bababa, da da da da da dadada, ba ba ba ba ba bababa” in a puddle of my own pee. I hate you Mr. Six but I want you back!

I want you back because this new “Fun-O-Meter” yelling-in-my-face guy has me on the brink of bringing the KFC bucket and bow tie out of storage. Why can’t Six Flags just show me happy people waiting in line for 2 hours with gangbangers and slutty 16-year-old girls in mesh tops? Isn’t that why we all go to Six Flags? I’m getting off topic here but seriously, when was the last time you were at an amusement park? If these kids are our future WE ARE FUCKED.

Anyway, I’m sick of people yelling at me via my TV. I told you like a thousand times, I don’t want to snap into a Slim Jim! These commercials don’t make us pay attention, they make us dive for the remote as if it were a live grenade.

I’ll tell you who else just made my list… me, for spending the last 30 minutes researching who the “real Mr. Six” is. I should be on my list for even knowing his name is Mr. Six!

Well here he is everyone, strike up the fucking band, it’s Danny Teeson from “Queer Eye for the Straight Girl.” Did you even know there was a “Queer Eye for the Straight Girl?” So there you go, the last remaining mystery in the universe has been solved! Who cares? Apparently me.

P.S. Try to shake this from your memory.

3 responses so far

Jul 28 2008

Shia LaBeouf and his drunk driving!

Published by under Jerks

Fuck Shia LaBeouf and all young Hollywood dick heads who try so hard to be troubled, disheveled drunks. No amount of scruffy beard-growing or chain-smoking will ever erase this.

Let’s ignore the fact that he sucks as an actor for a moment and concentrate on the fact that he sucks as a human. Wanna get drunk Shia? Great, take a cab or a limo next time, you dick. Typical selfish, Hollywood asshole who never hears the word “no” and thinks he is King Awesome. Guess what? I’m King fucking Awesome!

You suck.

One response so far

Jul 28 2008

White people, especially babies, who wear Che Guevara T-shirts!

Published by under Jerks,Why?!?

Stop it! Stop wearing Che Guevara t-shirts and stop stuffing your stupid baby into Che onesies in an attempt to prove your kid is cool. Your kid is a dork and it’s your fault.

Is there anything more Ironic and wrong that a man known for counterculture, revolution and anti-capitalism is now plastered all over $40 baby shirts? Che would shit his pantalones with excitement if he knew his message of socialism and guerrilla warfare had finally reached Brian Cunningham of North Haven, Connecticut. Guess what? Brian thinks it’s a Rage Against The Machine shirt.

If you want to wear a Che Guevara shirt that badly please buy this one. While you’re at it get rid of your stupid fucking Von Dutch crap too. Kenny “Von Dutch” Howard was a psycho racist.

2 responses so far

Jul 25 2008

Michelob ULTRA Fruit Infused Beers!

First of all, who is actually drinking any Michelob product on purpose? I can understand if you were walking down the street and a construction worker on a skyscraper spilled his Michelob just as you looked up to admire the clouds and a few drops got in your mouth. Or maybe you get shot in the mouth and a good samaritan reaches for a Michelob to clean the wound. But how does a person choose to drink a Michelob?

A bigger question is, who reaches for a Michelob ULTRA Fruit Infused Beer? Possibly a nine-year-old girl? I don’t know about you, but when I’m hangin’ with the bros doing bro things, like watching sports and admiring each others’ bodies, I can often be heard saying “Dude, toss me another Tuscan Orange Grapefruit!”

“Sorry broskie, all we have left is Pomegranate Raspberry or Lime Cactus.”

“Fucking bro, no fucking way dude! I bought the Tuscan Orange Grapefruit for me!”

Then I usually have a good cry.

2 responses so far

Jul 24 2008

VH1’s I Love the New Millennium!

Come on, really? Are you fucking kidding me? Is VH1 really so bored that they need to pull Hal Sparks and Michael Ian Black out of the mothballs to make snarky comments on the ACTUAL DECADE WE ARE CURRENTLY LIVING IN?

Hey, who remembers hurricane Katrina? That was hilarious! Remember Paris Hilton? What ever happened to her? And just who DID let the dogs out? Is this show real or is it an elaborate hoax created by my enemies to give me a rage-induced heart attack?

OK, here’s the deal. I liked “I Love the 80’s” the first time around. In fact I watched all ten episodes in a row at my friend’s house. I was moderately amused by “I Love the 70’s.” Then came “I Love the 90’s” and I was starting to fantasize about different ways to murder Hal Sparks. What’s next “I Love right now” where Michael Ian Black discusses what Hal Sparks just said and Hal Sparks discusses what Michael Ian Black just said in a never-ending loop?

Stop it VH1. You are making me dislike Michael Ian Black, a person I happen to really like otherwise. On the other hand, I could give two shits about Hal Sparks and his crap heavy metal band. How can you possibly sound heavy and awesome if the name of your band is “The Hal Sparks Band?”

“Dude, why are your ears bleeding?”

“Oh, I was just listening to The Hal Sparks Band.”

VH1, stop before you kill again. Let Hal go back to his first love, trying to find leather pants in toddler sizes so he can look tough.

2 responses so far

Jul 22 2008

God, for killing Estelle Getty!

Way to go God, ya jerk! You think it’s funny to take Golden Girls star Estelle Getty just three days before her 85th birthday? Is that funny to you tough guy?

Estelle Getty was by far my favorite Golden Girl. For those of you who think it’s more important to read a book than watch awesome TV, Estelle played the part of the sassy but classy Sophia Petrillo, mother of Bea Arthur’s character Dorthy Zbornak although she was actually younger than Bea. Estelle Getty was genuinely funny as Sophia and I highly recommend you stop reading that stupid book of yours and go buy every DVD box set of the Golden Girls immediately.

You will be missed Estelle!

2 responses so far

Jul 22 2008

John Mayer and his charming ways!

Published by under Jerks,Why?!?

Fucking god damn John Mayer is making me like him and it’s pissing me off! He’s already on my list and now he MUST make a second appearance for making me love him. WHHHHHHHY!

Here’s the deal, I hate hate HATE his crap music and I will ALWAYS hate it. It is the worst brand of bottom of the barrel, middle of the road, bland crap and I despise it with every cell in my body. BUT, thanks to Fox placing TMZ between two episodes of The Simpsons every day I now know more about John Mayer than I ever hoped to. My worst fears have been realized because John Mayer is funny. There really is no way around it. He’s funny in front of the paparazzi (or as we call it on TMZ the “paps”) and he’s funny in the clip below.

How fucking dare this asshole make me like him! John, call me.

See more John Mayer videos at Funny or Die

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