Dec 23 2009


Published by at 3:27 am under Jerks


I quit. I will never try to do anything again.

I found out last week, thanks to a hard-hitting article on Yahoo, that apples are bad for me. Yeah, that’s right, fucking APPLES are going to kill me. Why do I even bother getting out of bed in the morning?

Apparently apples are covered in pesticides and washing them does next to nothing to remedy that little problem. The pesticides are designed to stick to the fruit in the rain, so you have to either peel your apple or wash it in some hippie fruit cleaner to make it safe to eat. Fuck that, I’m going to fill my fat face hole with pork rinds until I die.

Why do any of us bother to do anything? You just can’t win in a world where apples are bad for you and Wild Hogs is a successful movie. Guy Fieri walks the earth with his God damn sunglasses on the back of his fat neck but John Lennon is dead? We live in a world where apples will poison you and the Kardashians are rich and famous!

I’m going to kill myself. I’ll start by eating some apples.

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9 comments so far

9 comments to “Food!”

  1. saraon 23 Dec 2009 at 9:52 am

    You’re just going to have to get your daily apple in pie, sauce or schnapps form

  2. Tommyon 23 Dec 2009 at 11:32 am

    one could buy organic apples for $5.00 /lb

  3. Saraon 23 Dec 2009 at 1:10 pm

    I heard there was this special “fruit buffer” towel that buffed off that shit. It’s like.. shamapplewow!

    What do the pesticides do anyway? Is it any worse then air polution, alchohol and baconantors?

  4. guilty noodleson 23 Dec 2009 at 2:42 pm

    I just don’t consume anything, except vodka and smoke cigarettes. I figured it’s the same as eating a non-organic apple.

  5. Jayon 23 Dec 2009 at 3:12 pm

    Honeycrisps are a terrible apple anyway. I suggest trying an orange or banana after peeling, you might like it more.

  6. You Just Made My List!on 23 Dec 2009 at 3:24 pm

    Jay – WHAT IN THE FUCKING FUCK ARE YOU FUCKING TALKING ABOUT?!? The Honeycrisp is the king of all apples. Dear God man!

  7. hodanon 23 Dec 2009 at 3:30 pm

    jay is to be flogged by dawn. honeycrisps are mankind’s greatest thing since sex.

  8. kenon 24 Dec 2009 at 1:48 am

    Listy and Hodan are right, Jay needs an adjustment, Honeycrisps singlehandedly brought me back to apples.

  9. Jonathanon 24 Dec 2009 at 7:50 am

    Honeycrisp? I’ll have to look for it. I love me some Galas. I eat the fuck out of those things. Coat them with peanut butter and you have the most perfect thing since Shakira’s ass.