Apr 28 2009

Fucking God damn motherfucking swine fucking flu!

Published by at 3:00 am under Jerks,Why?!?

swine flu

Fuck! Are you fucking kidding me? Now I have to worry about this shit?

I was just in Mexico! Do I feel feverish? I can’t tell. Shit I think I have swine flu! Is uncontrollable snorting and an overwhelming desire to roll around in my own poop a symptom?

How did this crap start? Did swine flu start with some drunk sorority girl who was convinced by the good people at Girls Gone Wild to make out with a pig while on spring break in Mexico? I imagine it would have started slow like, “Hey Madison, just show us one nipple for a couple seconds and we will give you this highly valuable T-shirt! You want a T-shirt don’t you? You want to be cool, right?” Next thing you know, Madison has a face full of hog ass and the rest of the world is walking around in blue surgical masks.

God, what’s wrong with me? This post is a little over-the-top don’t you think? Shit, is that a symptom of swine flu, overly aggressive and offensive blogging? I need to go lie down.

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29 comments so far

29 comments to “Fucking God damn motherfucking swine fucking flu!”

  1. CreatureofHabiton 28 Apr 2009 at 6:39 am

    I just want to say that my fear of pigs is unrivaled. I mean, I’m pretty scared of big, hairy spiders. And sharks- Really afraid of sharks. But pigs? Jesus, it is the stuff my nightmares are made of. I mean, they eat anything, including dead human bodies (or alive human bodies), and they can transplant their organs into humans. They’re pink (shudders) and fleshy…. and what’s with that creepy smirk they always have? They’re filthy. Everything about them is just wrong….Truly the ultimate sci-fi / apocolypse / end of days medium (hello, Thunderdome?). Not to mention they smell really, really bad.

  2. CreatureofHabiton 28 Apr 2009 at 6:41 am

    I just want to clarify, that when I said “They can transplant their organs into humans”, I meant Doctors can transplant pig organs into humans. The thought of a pig in surgery transplanting its organs into a humans will now give me some serious nightmares. Thanks to me.

  3. jasonon 28 Apr 2009 at 7:20 am

    I deal with wild hogs on an almost daily basis. They are everything you say they are and more creature! Swine are also very smart. Some scientific evidence indicates they are more intelligent than dogs. They are also very aggressive, armed and armored. Wild hogs in particular are capable of surviving numerous gunshot wounds without medical treatment and the boars have some of the nastiest teeth in the animal kingdom. Check out youtube and you’ll see that these animals are hunted using numerous dogs, some of which have on kevlar vests!

    Bottom line hogs are smart, mean, nasty, dangerous and delicious!

  4. jasonon 28 Apr 2009 at 7:21 am

    oh, and if the swine flu gets me outta work and not dead I’m ok with that, I’ve got lots of sick time accrued.

  5. You Just Made My List!on 28 Apr 2009 at 8:07 am

    Jason – What is this hog job of yours? I like that you said you “deal” with wild hogs. It sounds like you are a mafia boss and the rival family is made up of wild hogs. OH, do you mean “wild hogs” like that movie with all the fat old guys who used to be cool?

  6. icecycle66on 28 Apr 2009 at 8:42 am

    Damn cops.

  7. Xinaon 28 Apr 2009 at 8:44 am

    I had the same question for Jason. And since I know he lives in Florida I’m wildly interested that we even have wild hogs here. Do they live in the Everglades? How the hell could a wild hog live in the Everglades? Why are they wild hogs instead of wild pigs? What’s wrong with pigs really? Why are there so many names for pigs (ie pig, boar, hog, swine, etc…)? Where did you get the cutest picture of piglets in the history of the world? How can Creature be afraid of something so cute I sort of do want to make out with it? How did this post just take such an odd and unexpected turn?

  8. You Just Made My List!on 28 Apr 2009 at 8:54 am

    Xina – STOP MAKING OUT WITH PIGS! You’re going to kill us all!

  9. SanFranon 28 Apr 2009 at 9:52 am

    I don’t dig on “swing flu”, and hereby make a motion to rename it “The Oink”.

  10. You Just Made My List!on 28 Apr 2009 at 10:02 am

    “How did he die?”

    “The Oink.”

    I second SanFran’s motion.

  11. RBoneon 28 Apr 2009 at 10:34 am

    Now please imagine this slobbering fucking mess coming at you with maw full of flu:

    http://i.usatoday.net/news/_photos/2007/05/27/pigx-large.jpg

    And then imagine the poor pig that he shot doing the same thing. Almost as frightening.

  12. You Just Made My List!on 28 Apr 2009 at 10:43 am

    That HAS to be fake. Please tell me it’s fake!

  13. RBoneon 28 Apr 2009 at 10:49 am

    http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,275524,00.html

  14. hodanon 28 Apr 2009 at 11:15 am

    i have been with plenty swine before.in the clubs,at work, the bar and so on. you think I’m gonna get The Oink?!

  15. jasonon 28 Apr 2009 at 11:50 am

    I’m in natural resource management. Yes, yjmml, they are a rival family, and yes there is a truf war going on! No, not like the fat old guys that used to be cool. These hogs are wicked, ornery, mean spirited animals that can and most likely will eat your ass up(if you don’t eat their ass up first). Yummy pig ass smoked slowly with oak wood.

    Xina, yes I believe there are pigs/hogs/swine/boar in the everblades. Since much of the water from the everglades has been diverted for agriculture and we’ve also been in drought conditions for years now there are many outcrops of land even when its rainy season in the everglades and swine really like having wet areas to wallow in. It protects their skin from sunburn and insect pests, which we have plenty of in Florida. They have many names and without going into a completely nerdy discourse on pigs the names are sometimes used incorrectly. Swine refers to the whole family of animals like canine means dogs as well as wolves and coyotes. Boar usually means wild hogs but can also mean male swine. Pigs usually means the domesticated animals.

    The picture is real but this animal was not always a wild animal. It is a domestic animal that has been released or escaped from captivity. The skull shape is not consistent with a wild hog/boar.

  16. jasonon 28 Apr 2009 at 11:52 am

    lol can’t spell turf!

    Xina, do you live in the glades?

  17. You Just Made My List!on 28 Apr 2009 at 12:44 pm

    Damn Jason, I thought all my readers were unemployed idiots but you are proving me wrong.

    (I don’t really think you are all idiots. Just the people who disagree with me.)

  18. icecycle66on 28 Apr 2009 at 2:09 pm

    I disagree. I thinked all of you’re readers are isn’t idiots.

  19. Xinaon 28 Apr 2009 at 2:14 pm

    Jason, oh hell no I don’t live in the glades! I’m too busy brushing my teeth and not making out with my brother to live out there. I live in Central Florida. Like smack dab in the center of Orlando like all normal humans would want to do.

  20. SanFranon 28 Apr 2009 at 2:56 pm

    Xina: I guess I’m not normal – the thought of living in central florida makes me want to go outside in our comfortable northern Mediterranean climate and read a book in the mid-day sun, and not even sweat a drop into my glass of Chimay Tripel. Florida is too fucking hot for normal people, if you ask me, while you may argue that Northern California is too fucking cold for normal people.

    What’s my point? I don’t fucking know. I’m going outside now and won’t get bitten by anything, be it an alligator or a scorpion or a wild boar…

  21. hodanon 28 Apr 2009 at 3:24 pm

    i like Florida, they always provide the crazy people and every bizarre crime almost always happens there. well done florida.

  22. SanFranon 28 Apr 2009 at 4:05 pm

    hodan: there, and Texas… Whenever you see the word “grisly” in the news, you can bet “Texas” follows it…

    “A grisly find in Texas……”

    In other news: there is no other news…

  23. hodanon 28 Apr 2009 at 4:18 pm

    SanFran: true, but Florida’s crimes are much more comedic than other states. for instance, the lady that called the cops because McDonald’s ran out of burgers(or something), the man who pulled a gun on a lady and stole her bucket of chicken, the shamwow guy that got his ass beaten by a french kissing hooker and so much more.
    thanks Florida, watching the news has never been this entertaining.

  24. Xinaon 28 Apr 2009 at 4:30 pm

    SanFran, I’ll give you credit. California is beautiful. However, I lived in Monterey for a year and I took my jacket off only once, for about 15 minutes, in July. That’s no way to live. Give me blinding heat at 7am, humidity thick enough to choke on and an alligator to wrestle any day of the week. Plus, what is the point of California having an ocean when you need to wear 236,493,274 wet suits just to wade ankle deep in it?! I heart Florida. But it did take me living everywhere else before I figured that out.

    And everyone forgot the greatest “crime” from out of Florida. When Paul Reubens (aka Pee-wee Herman) got arrested for jerking off in a porno theather. Ah, I love my home.

  25. SanFranon 28 Apr 2009 at 6:29 pm

    What did Paul Reubens say when he was hauled out of that theater?

    wait for it… wait for it….

    “I’M NEVER COMING HERE AGAIN!!!!!”

    HAR HAR

  26. Mr. Kickers, Sr.on 28 Apr 2009 at 9:14 pm

    I thought the greatest crime out of Florida was the 2000 election.

  27. CreatureofHabiton 29 Apr 2009 at 2:14 pm

    Zing!

  28. hodanon 29 Apr 2009 at 4:06 pm

    @ Mr. Kickers, Sr.
    AHAHAHA true .

  29. Saraon 01 May 2009 at 12:19 pm

    Just wanted to say the swine flu has personaly made my list Joe Bidden has garunteed I have lost my job in the tourism/bus industry….aka ENCLOSED SPACE !!!! AHH UNCLEAN UNCLEAN!!!

    asshole