Apr 29 2009

Cold air from Canada!

Published by at 3:00 am under Jerks,Why?!?

weather map

Hey Canada, I’m trying to have a little spring here, you wanna stop blowing your bullshit cold air in my face so I can enjoy the few months of warm weather we get in Chicago?

What’s the deal? Is this payback for George W. Bush? Limp Bizkit? Carrot Top? We are super fucking sorry about all that but enough is enough, Canada. I just want to pull my grill out of the garage and sit on my patio without a jacket. I want to feel the warmth of the sun on my face while I clean my guns, watch NASCAR and not read the newspaper. Hey, I’m American!

Look Canada, you have to choose. Either you continue to send us all your comedians or you blow your stupid cold air all over us, but you do not get to do both. You’re supposed to be “America’s hat” not America’s cold air machine that makes cold air and blows cold air… shut up, you know what I mean! I’m too cold to think clearly!

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18 comments so far

18 comments to “Cold air from Canada!”

  1. jasonon 29 Apr 2009 at 5:18 am

    Listy just come down here. You can do all those activities with DEET. I recommend at least 35% for normal evenings without much wind. If you’re going to fish the salt flats I wouldn’t go out with anything less than 75%.

    I know, ‘the bugs in Florida are aweful’. At least we don’t have Canada’s frigid ass parked on top of us busting out sub zero farts for us to bask in.

    “sub zero farts for us to bask in”? What is he talking about?

  2. guilty noodleson 29 Apr 2009 at 6:55 am

    Every time I spoke to my husband’s ex-mother-in-law on the phone, she would always say, “Well, we’re VERY cold here in New York. It’s all this freezing wind that’s coming from YOU.” Somehow, she’d manage to blame the weather on us.

    Tommy, I’ll save you some typing since it seems to be strain for you to type more than a few words. I’m square. I’m also damn proud of it, you little shit.

  3. Xinaon 29 Apr 2009 at 7:25 am

    Wait a second… is Listy’s name Tommy? Tommy, are you saying you don’t like cold weather? Tommy, is it too cold for you? Did mommy not bundle you up warm enough Tommy? Next thing you know we’ll be seeing photos of you. More illusive than a bigfoot, I swear!

    And you’re complaining about cold air? Yeah, I know. It was like 75 degrees last night in Orlando. I about froze to death. What the fuck, Tommy?! (giggle, Tommy)

  4. guilty noodleson 29 Apr 2009 at 7:39 am

    Tommy’s not Listy’s name. Tommy is some tool who comments on Listy’s blog.

    Damn, Listy. Everyone’s trying to catch a glimpse of you!

  5. You Just Made My List!on 29 Apr 2009 at 7:41 am

    I will post some nudes of me soon.

    I’m not Tommy.

  6. icecycle66on 29 Apr 2009 at 8:43 am

    Poor south Arizona, we never get to enjoy a good cold crop dusting from Canada. All we ever get is that…uh, smell…coming up from Mexico.

    Maps should have little stink lines coming up from the federal boundry. It makes me want to vomit.

  7. hodanon 29 Apr 2009 at 10:13 am

    What cold air?! it was fucking 92 degree in Boston yesterday. blow this way Canada.

  8. deadlytoqueon 29 Apr 2009 at 11:18 am

    We are not sorry. We gave you a chance! We were like “stop being dicks, or we’ll fire the freeze-cannon,” but your government was all “we do not negotiate with terrorists, whether they have towels on their heads or sealskin parkas”.

    So we followed-through on our threat. You have nobody to blame but your government.

  9. You Just Made My List!on 29 Apr 2009 at 11:42 am

    OK Deadly, you let the rest of Canada know that we are coming for your polite, subdued asses! WAR!

  10. You Just Made My List!on 29 Apr 2009 at 11:42 am


  11. Tommy Rocheon 29 Apr 2009 at 11:42 am

    wow so honored to have been confused with the list owner…not really. Yeah it is too cold. this 70 degree weather in southern california sucks.

  12. jasonon 29 Apr 2009 at 11:47 am

    Invade Canada! That is the answer. The war won’t cost as much because it will be close to home. The soldiers won’t have such low morale because they and drink and smoke there and strippers are not outlawed.

    South Park had right it all along.

  13. hodanon 29 Apr 2009 at 12:04 pm

    invading Canada will be like invading Montana or Maine.what will we plunder? snowballs?!

  14. SanFranon 29 Apr 2009 at 12:08 pm

    I went to college in the Northeast Kingdom of VT, and we lived, for like I don’t know, 90% of the year, dealing with Canada’s frigid death breath – in the winter, they used to call it an “Alberta Clipper”… A charming enough name, gimmicky and oft-used by the weather people, that basically meant any exposed skin will freeze, turn grey, and fall off in no more than 36 seconds, unless you were drunk on whiskey or Labatt’s ICE.

    However, Canada ain’t all that bad – from campus, it was only a 30 minute drive (depending on the wind), to Sherbrooke, where Studio Sex was located, and the drinking age was 18… This is very important for a college student.

    I love you canada, especially now that your winds can’t touch me…

  15. CreatureofHabiton 29 Apr 2009 at 2:17 pm

    It was 93 here yesterday and I thought for a moment I might die. My boss turned on the fucking A/C and I was enraged.

    Today it is a pleasant 65. Sigh.

    I’ll take freezing over melting anyday. It’s less smelly.

  16. neishon 29 Apr 2009 at 2:28 pm

    I can hear the chants of “Blame Canada! Blame Canada”

    In all honesty, we don’t care that you’re freezing your balls off, we’re cold 99% of the time. In fact, we’re setting you up to invade you by freezing you all to death.

    On another note, it was 79 degrees here yesterday 😀

  17. rxon 30 Apr 2009 at 9:16 am

    hehehe. it’s not our fault, it’s the coriolis effect!

  18. deadlytoqueon 30 Apr 2009 at 11:01 am

    “The soldiers won’t have such low morale because they and drink and smoke there and strippers are not outlawed.”

    You can’t smoke here. I just want to dispel that rumour now. At least not any more than you can in most places in the States. Certain provinces are currently passing legislation to prevent smoking in even more places (such as any car with a minor in it). Drinking and peelers are encouraged, though.

    And, yeah, I don’t think you’ve really planned through this “invasion” thing. You think it’s cold -there-? Imagine how we feel! There’s a reason we live so close to your border: we’re trying to steal just a little bit of warmth.

    If you invaded, we’d just fall back to the north, where engines freeze and exposed skin gets frostbite in mere moments. We’re already well-accustomed to living in igloos, lean-tos, and snow-dugouts anyway. There’s a reason there’s never been a successful land invasion of a polar nation by a non-polar nation in the history of humanity.