Aug 31 2010

Honey mustard!

Published by at 3:32 am under I Don't Get It,Jerks

best honey mustard recipe free

Fuck you, showoff!

Oooooh look at me, I’m too good to be normal mustard, I’m filled with honey from a bee’s vagina.*

I know you are anxious to say “No way bro, honey mustard is the shit.” Well, you are almost correct, just remove the word “the.”

Good old fashioned yellow mustard is the Police and honey mustard is Sting. In other words, classic yellow mustard is America’s Funniest Home Videos with Bob Saget and honey mustard is AFV with Tom Bergeron. What I’m trying to say is that yellow mustard is Swayze in Road House and honey mustard is Swayze in Dirty Dancing. Got it?

*I’m not 100% sure that honey comes from a bee’s vagina but I’m pretty sure it does.

Honey mustard belongs on fucking Mars!

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27 comments so far

27 comments to “Honey mustard!”

  1. pigdooron 31 Aug 2010 at 6:57 am

    Saget? bergeron? I would love to boil them both in oil. Swayze? I wonder what he looks like now. Honey mustard..well, who gives a rats hynder about honey mustard?

  2. Paul from Saint Paulon 31 Aug 2010 at 7:34 am

    America’s Funniest Home Videos is best viewed with the volume off, regardless of the host. My Thai barber taught me that trick.

    Where do you suppose the metal fan hogging the mike got his outfit? I wonder if his mom sewed it. And if she’d still be available to sew me one.

    And can you really “trip Jack Daniels”?

  3. KKon 31 Aug 2010 at 7:44 am

    “Heavy Metal Parking Lot”!!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. Peteon 31 Aug 2010 at 7:50 am

    I love me some honey mustard. Have ever since they introduced McNuggets in ’82 or whenever the hell it was.

  5. You Just Made My List!on 31 Aug 2010 at 8:17 am

    Paul – “Zebra man” was successfully tracked down on the HMPL DVD by the filmmakers. He’s a normal suburban guy now who likes hunting and country music.

  6. calebon 31 Aug 2010 at 9:44 am

    I’m with you on the honey mustard. personally i love a good thick stone-ground spicy mustard, or horseradish mustard.

    ketchup/catsup is of course an abomination on anything except a hamburger or french fries. i once dated a girl who put ketchup on her MEXICAN food. how we lasted nearly 2 years i’ll never know…

  7. calebon 31 Aug 2010 at 9:47 am

    if yellow mustard is Swayze in Roadhouse, then spicy mustard is Sam Elliot in roadhouse… i’m just sayin.

  8. Erinon 31 Aug 2010 at 9:54 am

    Caleb – if I have to go with a fancy mustard and there is no other choice, I choose horseradish mustard.

    Ketchup on the other hand is only good for kindergartners who won’t eat their food… If you don’t mind me asking how old was your girlfriend?

  9. calebon 31 Aug 2010 at 10:11 am

    Erin – i agree with you about the ketchup. she was 24. i know, i know… i don’t know what i was thinking.

  10. calebon 31 Aug 2010 at 10:14 am

    the only thing i can say in her defense is that she’s from a very bland scandinavian/minnesotan family. she just doesn’t know any better. unfortunately my tutelage did no good.

  11. kenon 31 Aug 2010 at 10:16 am

    I’m with you, Listy, Dijon mustard can also take a flying fucking leap. Grey Poop-on. The ONLY mustard is yellow mustard, specifically Plochman’s. French’s will do but Plochman’s is where it’s at.

  12. Erinon 31 Aug 2010 at 10:26 am

    Caleb… You win some, you lose some. The most important thing is you tried.

  13. Jonathanon 31 Aug 2010 at 10:42 am

    Yellow mustard sucks, too. It tastes like nothing. Brown mustard is the shiznit. Throw that on your weiner to give it some spice. And then try it on a hotdog.

  14. You Just Made My List!on 31 Aug 2010 at 10:58 am

    Ken is 100% correct on all points!

  15. calebon 31 Aug 2010 at 11:08 am

    My best friend lives about a block away from the Mustard Museum in Middleton, WI. I haven’t visited it yet, but i will. and i’m going to buy this shirt –

  16. SanFranon 31 Aug 2010 at 12:29 pm

    Mustard is Satan’s Condiment – all of it, honey, dijon or that terrible crap in the squeeze bottle at a hot dog cart.

    Do you know that feeling when you wipe your ass and you get some poo on your finger by mistake – and it gets into the little crack between your fingernail and your finger? That ‘ewwwwww I’m gonna barf’ feeling? Yup – that’s how I get when mustard on my hand – and its always by accident.

    Just a few weeks ago, I got a panini from a new cafe that I was so excited to eat, by the time I landed at my office, it was 20 minutes later, I took a bite, and BLAH! FUCKING MUSTARD! Who puts mustard in a sandwich without asking?

    I know I’ll get a lot of flak about being a mustard hater, and that I’m un-American or something, but whatever. Fuck off – mustard is evil reincarnate.

    *to that end, I would like it to be known that I love mustard seed – it’s the vinegar that ruins it. The vinegar is why I don’t like pickles, and a number of other vinegar-based dishes.

  17. rachelon 31 Aug 2010 at 2:55 pm

    in case you were wondering, mayo and horseradish and awesome together.

  18. rachelon 31 Aug 2010 at 2:56 pm

    *are* awesome together.

  19. calebon 31 Aug 2010 at 2:56 pm

    @ SanFran – apparently some mustard IS satan’s condiment.

  20. Jayon 31 Aug 2010 at 3:03 pm

    Gotta have spicy mustard for egg rolls.

  21. kenon 31 Aug 2010 at 3:07 pm


    No you don’t. Regular Plochman’s will do just fine.

  22. Tommyon 31 Aug 2010 at 3:51 pm

    The fucking spicy mustard at Cole’s in downtown LA is THE shit. fuck yellow mustard…gotta have horseradish

  23. calebon 31 Aug 2010 at 4:34 pm

    @ Rachel – oh yeah, Horseradish Mayo on a cold roast beef sandwich is THE BEST.

  24. BeLLon 31 Aug 2010 at 8:07 pm

    Honey is actually Bee Vomit; I learned it school, years ago.. Seriously. 😛

    As for Mustard, I used to really Dig Heinz “Pourable Mustard”.. but I can’t find it anymore. 🙁

    As far as spicey mustard: Gulden’s will do.. I think.

  25. Ericaon 31 Aug 2010 at 8:58 pm

    BeLL – ugh, really? Bee vomit??? I am going to vomit…
    As for the Heniz pourable, my husband loves that stuff too!! He is mustard crazy…he puts it on everything. He even tried it on a waffle…(ok, I am vomiting again). I think he has ordered it from Amazon Fresh but I am not sure.

    Ketchup rules! No vomit in ketchup. 🙂

  26. pigdooron 01 Sep 2010 at 6:19 am

    I’m going to force you all to sell crack.

  27. .on 13 Oct 2010 at 5:06 pm

    You are close. Honey is bee puke.