Mar 09 2009

Cookie-cutter tract houses in the middle of nowhere!

Published by at 3:01 am under Jerks

ugly cookie-cutter tract houses

If you have ever traveled by car through the Midwest, or “the belly of the beast” as I call it, you will know exactly what I am talking about. By the way, I have literally never called the Midwest “the belly of the beast” and I have no idea why I wrote that.

Anyway, as you drive through the flat middle of America there are a few things you are guaranteed to see… billboards for Jesus, adult bookstores, fireworks stores all claiming to be the world’s largest and/or craziest, J.B. Hunt trucks and inexplicable clusters of generic housing developments in the middle of corn fields.

Let me be clear, I am not criticizing the people who live in these homes. If this is their American dream then great, I am almost happy for them. I’m just saying that when I see these cookie-cutter, soulless houses huddling together like frightened bunnies with nothing more than a single tiny tree to shelter them from the whipping winds a wave of depression washes over me. I’m not kidding, these communities are my idea of hell on earth. HELL ON EARTH!

If you are wondering why this isn’t very funny or interesting it’s because I’m super tired from my drive home today and I just woke up from a nap. I hate naps. I always feel worse after a nap. You hear that naps, I think you just made my list too!

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14 comments so far

14 comments to “Cookie-cutter tract houses in the middle of nowhere!”

  1. jasonon 09 Mar 2009 at 6:09 am

    I’m with you on this one. I live in SW Fl and these abominations abound here as well. I don’t know about the midwest but here they like to call these “developments” something poetic sounding like “Gulf Isles” or “Panther Creek”, knowing that “Gulf Isles” is more than 20 miles from the shore and “Panther Creek” has seen anything close to a panther since Ponce de Leon was around if then. There is always a poltergeist kinda feel to these places. Like these developments were built on some burial ground or something and then covered over with houses and families with 2.2 kids and a dog named rex and a cat named sox.

  2. Peteon 09 Mar 2009 at 6:27 am

    Just so you’re aware, most of the major metropolitan cities in the midwest are comprised of “old” houses in “older” neighborhoods, and largely they are NOT cookie cutter. Most of the tract houses you describe are in the suburbs just outside (or all the way outside) of the metro areas. It’s where all the cowards have been fleeing to over the last twenty years.

  3. CreatureofHabiton 09 Mar 2009 at 6:52 am

    Ponce de Leon….lol…. that was awesome.

    These things are an abomination. Our population is exploding thanks to people who think it’s perfectly acceptable to have 6, 8, 12…. 17 kids and we are digging up our prime agricultural land give each person their shitty dream-acre. I mean, the least they could do it build something beautiful. With sidewalks.

    And I do hate the people that live in these things.

  4. Navisionon 09 Mar 2009 at 7:59 am

    Hey ma… I can see our house from here!

  5. You Just Made My List!on 09 Mar 2009 at 8:14 am

    Jason – Yes, they are creepy, poltergeist all the way!

    Pete – I’m from the Midwest so I know most of the area has a lot of great old houses. It’s one of the reasons these homes stand out so drastically.

    Creature – “Shitty dream-acre” 🙂

    Navision – Hi (I didn’t want to leave you out)

  6. guilty noodleson 09 Mar 2009 at 9:11 am

    As I too reside in the midwest, I call these areas “west jesus” or “bumblefuck”. They scare the crap out of me too, as I feared for my life after seeing McCain/Palin signs, one after another and thought for sure I’d be stoned to death.

    Also, a friend of mine who’s parents live in these cookie cutter hoods and I visit regularly, I get so freaked out the second I enter because it’s cul de sac after cul de sac of the SAME EXACT HOMES and I start screaming because I think I’ll never be able to get out. However, it does work for them. Strip mall city is right across the street from Sameville, as long as they don’t get hit with a bout of dementia and can’t crawl their way out.

  7. hodanon 09 Mar 2009 at 10:38 am

    thank Gawd! i lived in a city all my life.

  8. LLGon 09 Mar 2009 at 11:16 am

    Have you ever noticed that the people who live in those developments all look the same? And not in an “accidental” way… but in the slightly creepy “I WILL live YOUR life” kind of way.

  9. Yours Trulyon 09 Mar 2009 at 12:58 pm

    Those houses are creepy. In fact, if you listen carefully at midnight, you can hear the whispers of the houses as they urge you to sacrifice a virgin to Kali. True story.

  10. Paul in St. Paulon 09 Mar 2009 at 5:43 pm

    I used to drive past these curiosities south, way south, of Chicago and wonder who on earth lived in these developments. They are not even remotely suburbs. Where do these people work? It doesn’t take a misplaced prairie Knots Landing to farm soy beans. How did these people end up in identical beige houses wrapped in a swirl of cul-de-sacs with no store, church, school, or even gas station in view? Are cults behind this?

  11. You Just Made My List!on 09 Mar 2009 at 5:50 pm

    They really do seem evil don’t they?

  12. lisaon 09 Mar 2009 at 7:36 pm

    Those housing developments are tragically boring. I would never want to live in a “neighborhood” like that.
    They all look the same.

  13. joe rossonon 10 Mar 2009 at 8:31 am

    Ahhh…the midwest. The Neocon good ol boy mecca!! Let’s hang us a niggra!!

  14. Ronon 10 Mar 2009 at 11:05 am

    We have this stupid shit in the Northeast too. Like jason said, they always have some retarded name to make them sound majestic, like Fox Run or, my favorite, “Love Farms”. My friend lived in one of these…things, and I told him how fucking stupid it was to call it Love Farms when the only thing growing there was the size of people’s asses. He tried to counter that the land used to be a blackberry farm. YOU DO NOT FARM BLACKBERRIES, MOTHERFUCKER! It’s called an “orchard”.

    The worst are the ones that are HOAs – Yes, because having the same exact color mailboxes, shingles and siding really keeps those properly values up. And I’m so sure that parking a perfectly decent car in the driveway will automatically make your neighbor’s houses worthless. Newsflash – YES, PEOPLE DRIVE CARS, YOU DON’T HAVE TO HIDE THEM!

    CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL!