Apr 08 2009


Published by at 3:05 am under Jerks


Remind me again why I just spent 5 minutes segmenting your sour ass.

You suck, grapefruit, and I hate your sucky juice. Have you ever taken a big swig of grapefruit juice thinking it was orange juice? It’s like a punch in your flavor balls! It’s like leaning in to kiss (insert the person you are most attracted to here) and as your lips meet and your tongues mingle, this person suddenly turns into your mom! You pull away and think, “what the fucking fuck was just in my mouth?” In fact, I would rather make out with my mom than drink a glass of grapefruit juice.*

It’s not just the juice that pisses me off. I would conservatively estimate that segmenting a grapefruit half takes on average 45 minutes. And for what, one minute of sour disappointment? Fuck off grapefruit. Stop thinking you are as awesome as your cousin the almighty orange. You are just embarrassing yourself. You sicken me.

*What is wrong with me?

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19 comments so far

19 comments to “Grapefruit!”

  1. jasonon 08 Apr 2009 at 5:07 am

    Grapefruit blows goat. It’s one of those ‘healthy’ foods, so you know right away it’s gonna really suck ass.

  2. Timon 08 Apr 2009 at 9:00 am

    I think it was lableled a “health food” cuz no one would eat it otherwise.

  3. SanFranon 08 Apr 2009 at 9:17 am

    Dude… I just read that, and then read it again – and on the third pass realized that no, it wasn’t me who wrote it, but you… My sentiments EXACTLY.

    Grapefruit can suck my asshole dry, and then suck it again for good measure.

    A few months back, the wife and I went to a small dinner party, and here was this wonderfully prepared meal, out on the deck, overlooking San Francisco Bay, and what was drizzled all over the entire dish? Yes – Grapefruit Fucking Juice. I ate it, but hated it. Without that foul substance, I’m sure it would have tasted fantastic.

    Therapy has been somewhat successful, but i’m not entirely over it just yet.

  4. Navisionon 08 Apr 2009 at 9:19 am

    I have my wife segment it for me… so I just get the juicy succulent wedges of fruit. I love it.

    So please go jump off a bridge! Thanks in advance!

  5. Tommyon 08 Apr 2009 at 9:53 am

    Finally, someone had the stones to put this sorry excuse for a fruit in its place. Oh but grapefruit is so nutritious and delicious! So what, I think this crap gained popularity when fatties decided to diet it up so they eat this highly acidic nightmare in attempt to self regulate their carb intake. You know, if you can’t stomach the whole fruit you won’t eat as much of its sugar…they had a solution…pour sugar on the fucking thing…negate most of the health benefits and wonder why that scale still spits out an “OUCH!” when they stand on it…I hate fat people.

  6. guilty noodleson 08 Apr 2009 at 10:10 am

    Wow, it’s pretty intense in here. I had no idea there were so many people against grapefruit. I used to put segments of grapefruit in salad and my husband would go ballistic. I think I may have served you salad with grapefruit, Listy. Either way, I can’t eat it anymore because it conflicts with my meds.

    Navision, I hope you return your wife’s generosity.

  7. Saraon 08 Apr 2009 at 10:30 am

    I like the comment about thinking your going to take a swig of sweet sweet oj and your slapped in the face.
    My oh so healthy grandma put Grapefruit juice (not ruby red which is somewhat tollerable but straight up GF) in my 2 year old’s sippy cup, he THREW it at her. TAKE THAT BITCH!

    no realy he loves his great grandma she makes bangin’ lentil soup

  8. SanFranon 08 Apr 2009 at 10:55 am

    Grapefruit is a carcinogen.

  9. deadlytoqueon 08 Apr 2009 at 3:46 pm

    Grapefruit is intolerable. When I was in Italy last fall, their orange juice tends to be pink (I know, I know, what the fuck, it’s called ORANGE juice; even in Italian the fruit is “arancia” and the colour is “arancione”, not a huge difference; but they are blood oranges and delicious, so I’ll let them have it), and if you are having breakfast at the hotel, you are often taking your life in your own hands when you fill up your juice cup.

    You either end up with the juice of the blood orange, which is sweet and amazingly good, or you end up with grapefruit toxin (I won’t even grace it with the word juice).

  10. rachelon 08 Apr 2009 at 5:09 pm

    what about when the S.O.B. shoots a squirt of juice in your eye?


  11. hodanon 08 Apr 2009 at 5:49 pm

    *whispers* i like grapefruit…but i hate the juice version.

  12. Neishon 08 Apr 2009 at 6:39 pm

    Give me all your grapefruit and juice! I shall eat and drink it all so you folks wont have to. That’s just how nice I am.

  13. rxon 08 Apr 2009 at 8:45 pm

    grapefruits aren’t even real man. they were totally genetically engineered. they’re the test tube baby of citrus!

    (i do love them though)

  14. SanFranon 09 Apr 2009 at 9:08 am

    So, how the fuck is this for fucked up?

    Last night, we went next door for dinner at our neighbor’s house, and LO! What is atop the grilled salmon? That’s right, Grapefuckingfruit. A big pile of it.

    I laughed, or cried, on the inside… and covertly scraped it off – no worries, it wasn’t there long. Well, as luck would have it, the salmon wasn’t quite cooked enough, so I suggested perhaps the broiler would be the quickest way to remedy the situation. As it turns out, the broiler also cooked off all of the residual grapefruit juices that would have otherwise ruined my fucking night.

    Dinner was wonderful though – I’m thankful for the nice meal and conversation, and that blessed broiler, for sure.

  15. icecycle66on 09 Apr 2009 at 4:56 pm

    All of you who say the taste of grapefruit is good, just peeling it is the pain, you just made MY damn list. Grapefruit tastes like sour dirt. You’re probably the same people who slather sugar all over and say it is a sweet fruit. If grapefruit could talk it would ask you to kill it because even it would know that it shouldn’t exist.

    The pomelo and the orange should have aborted this horrible child of a fruit, or at least left it in the womens restroom trashcan.

    Grapfruit sucks and so do people who like it.

  16. […] against grapefruit will continue. They will rant and rave with utter disgust about grapefruit’s bitter, sour flavor — instead praising the sweetness of the divine […]

  17. The Food Report « CollTaleson 27 Dec 2012 at 5:07 am

    […] of a grapefruit? Well, you’d better reconsider all that now. Or join the vicious chorus of anti-grapefruit bloggers, who’d ‘rather make out’ with their own Moms than drinking its juice. Yeah, that […]

  18. meon 11 Jun 2013 at 11:40 am

    I hate grapefruits! I was trying to make an orange-cake. When I realised, that I used a grapefruit instead of an orange, it was already to late. Every one, who ate it, told me, that it wasn´t bad at all, but it tasted like grapefruits allways taste: sour, bitter and NOT like a fruit! Fruits should taste sweat!!! I spent an hour on this cake! My cakes used to be delicious! I hope grapefruits will become extinct before I do. I understand you, I really do!

  19. You Just Made My List!on 11 Jun 2013 at 4:37 pm

    I’m sorry for your loss. The idea of a grapefruit cake makes me want to murder a child.