Jul 06 2009

Poetry slams!

Published by at 3:35 am under Jerks

poetry slam douchebag

FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF! FUCK OFFFFFF!

The internet isn’t big enough for the number of times I want to say FUCK YOU to the world of slam poetry. Just the thought of these losers sends a chill through my body. What is the point of this bullshit and why ARE-THEY-ALWAYS-YELLING?

Yelling isn’t the only thing you can count on when watching these asswipes slam poetry into your face. You can also expect to see a lot of pseudo hip hop hand gestures. These bent wrists and mangled fingers do not only belong to black “poets” dressed all hip hoppy, oh no my friend, you will see plenty of overweight white chicks in Tina Fey glasses popping and locking like they are Flavor Flav at the BET Awards®.

And what is with that annoying cadence they all use? It’s hard to describe in print, but it goes something like this…

“yelling yelling yelling quickly yelling bullshit… quiet word… soft word… yelling more bullshit yelling bullshit bullshit bullshit… quiet word”

I can’t take anymore of this. Here, try to watch this without killing yourself.

This poem is titled “Seen Not Heard.” God, I wish.

All you wannabe slam poets out there need to throw in the towel because nobody rips spoken word a new asshole like motherfucking Precious Taft!

    18 comments so far

    18 comments to “Poetry slams!”

    1. Jeffon 06 Jul 2009 at 3:53 am

      hmm.. that guy in the green shirt kinda reminds me of you.

    2. Joeon 06 Jul 2009 at 7:17 am

      No robuts?

    3. LLGon 06 Jul 2009 at 7:58 am

      Ahem.

      “i am… A POET, THINKING-WONDROUS-THINGS-AND-YOU-SHOULD-BE… impressed, by the-way-I-move-with-my words… and how the sound of my voice SOUNDS LIKE A DRUM OF AWESOMENESS BEATING-IN-TUNE-WITH-THE-HEARTBEAT-OF… creativity…”

      [wait for applause]

      [wait for it]

      [wait for it]

      [waiting…]

    4. Paul in St. Paulon 06 Jul 2009 at 9:30 am

      Thank you for drawing attention to Stairway to Stardom, which unlike everyday poetry slams, was a quality variety program that upheld STANDARDS to its spoken word performances; case in point, Precious Taft, who not only knows how to deliver a line with feeling, but also how to dress for a reading. “That was beautiful, Precious” indeed.

    5. Tommyon 06 Jul 2009 at 11:42 am

      i have to go home to hear this shit since there are no speakers on this fucking worthless computer I am working on and I can already tell I will hate these asswads becaue poetry is too beautiful for the disheveled

    6. hodanon 06 Jul 2009 at 2:20 pm

      there is still something called poetry?! I thought that shit ended when people discovered electricity.

    7. You Just Made My List!on 06 Jul 2009 at 2:27 pm

      Hodan – Yeah, I must admit that I kind of hate all poetry. I know that makes me sound stupid but I honestly think 95% of poetry is a huge pile of bullshit.

    8. hodanon 06 Jul 2009 at 3:46 pm

      i always confuse poetry and hallmark greeting cards.

    9. Perryon 06 Jul 2009 at 7:41 pm

      Ahahaha! The first guy in the green shirt is honest to God, the Dane Cook of poetry! It was spot on!

      Thank you, Listy, for opening my eyes to this horror.

    10. LA Gearon 07 Jul 2009 at 12:01 am

      I agree, Precious brings the drama like no other. Talks complete gibberish, but has a passion that can not be denied. Napalm the sky!

    11. LA Gearon 07 Jul 2009 at 12:14 am

      And Jeff comparing you to Peter Nevland is probably the biggest insult ever posted on a blog. I made it to 1:54 watching his video before I started screaming involuntarily. Might be the worst thing ever, thanks for bringing it to my attention. Should be used to help get information out of terrorists.

    12. You Just Made My List!on 07 Jul 2009 at 7:27 am

      LA – I have begun to ignore Jeff. You know, like most people do.

    13. You Just Made My List!on 07 Jul 2009 at 7:35 am

      LA – I spent the last 6 years trying to forget “Napalm the sky” so thanks for that.

    14. Vicariouson 21 Mar 2010 at 7:48 am

      Intelligence sucks doesn’t it? Henry Rollins would not approve of you sir, taking someones talent, their calling, and making a farce of it which just makes you look like a pubesent, hormone raging idiot, begging for friends.

    15. You Just Made My List!on 21 Mar 2010 at 9:35 am

      Vicarious – Here’s a poem for you…

      Vicarious
      Vicarious
      Vicarious
      Your opinions are hilarious
      Now please allow me to poop in your mouth

      Good day to you sir!

    16. Acouplemorevideoson 04 Dec 2011 at 9:12 pm

      What you say/link to here is definitely true about a lot of slam poetry. A lot of it is trite, cliche, cheesy, or just generally poorly written and painfully performed… but the same is true for essentially every art form. I guarantee ninety percent of novels, visual art, movies, plays, music, etc. are gonna be pretty shitty. But you don’t decry those whole genres of art because there are people practicing them poorly. You call bullshit on the bullshitters and praise the ones who do it well. And there are definitely people doing brilliant and subtle work in performed poetry.

      Give slam another chance. There’s a lot of bullshit out there, but there’s some genuinely beautiful poetry too. Check out these videos for a start… the first is Anis Mojgani’s poem “Sock Hop”, the second is Brian Omni Dillon’s “No Gravity.” Maybe you’ll actually like them.

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOcftq0MPuQ

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIv55Sa33Mg

    17. Steveon 13 Dec 2011 at 5:50 pm

      Oh how much I agree with your post. I haven’t seen much of this in person, and for that I’m grateful. I just saw “Tiny Furniture” this weekend, and there was a joke at the expense of Slam Poetry – which caused me to Google “slam poetry annoying” – which lead me here, which made me happy. Thanks!

    18. Acouplemorevideoson 18 Dec 2011 at 6:24 pm

      @Steve: Seriously, check out some of what I’m talking about. I’m not denying that these videos are bullshit, just that they don’t necessarily encompass an entire genre. Don’t talk shit on an artform based on its worst elements… that’s like talking shit on all movies based on “Twilight,” or all music based on Justin Bieber. It makes no sense.