Aug 26 2009
I’m in HELL!
This afternoon I entered what can only be described as a perfect storm of suckery. A portal to hell opened, and out climbed a collection of douchebags sent to Earth with one mission… to destroy me. This is my tragic tale.
I had to hit the post office this afternoon to ship something I sold on Ebay. It was a beautiful summer day, so even the long line I discovered could not ruin my mood. I say “long” line, but really I was only 7 or 8 people from the front. The package already had proper postage and was ready to go, but since it was kind of a valuable item I decided against dropping it off at the counter and waited in line with the rest of the creeps. It was this decision that caused several things I hate to begin converging.
1) Crazy people! As I was waiting patiently in line I heard the unmistakable sound of a crazy person outside. When I turned and looked out the window I could see he was engaged in a heated debate with the garbage can. Next thing you know, the lamp post chimes in and it’s two against one! I realize I should have compassion for these nutjobs, but I simply don’t, they annoy me. Maybe if I lived in a small town the local psychos would seem charming, but when you live in a major city and you are surrounded by crazies, the charm wears away quickly. Much to my delight, Crazy shook hands with the garbage can and lamp post and marched into the post office to take care of some important shipping.
2) People who get all up in my personal space! Luckily the crazy guy was now a mere 3 inches behind me. Nothing makes a long ling feel like a fucking long line like having a creepy crazy person’s breath blowing through your hair. Well, there is one way to make that line feel EVEN LONGER…
3) People who complain about long lines the entire time they are in a long line! Crazy must have had some important business to get back to at the office because he did not like this long line one bit! I don’t think he stopped talking about the length of the line for longer than 15 seconds. He explained to anyone who would listen (nobody) that the reason the line was long was because there was only one window open. You would think the post office employees would have taken his suggestion to hire more people seriously based on the fact that his shirt was on backward and his shoes were actually socks. It doesn’t get any better than this! Or does it…
4) People who sneeze near me! It was at this point that Crazy started to sneeze uncontrollably. UNCONTROLLABLY! He was like “I don’t understand why SNEEZE they don’t SNEEZE just hire SNEEZE some more people SNEEZE SNEEZE man SNEEZE I ain’t used to SNEEZE this air conditioning SNEEZE SNEEZE SNEEZE.” At least all of his sneeze mist was cooling me down. It was like one of those “cooling tents” at Lollapalooza but more horrible and vomit-inducing. If only there was a way to make his sneezing more annoying…
5) Saying “Bless you!” Every time Crazy would sneeze, the guy behind him in line would say “bless you.” Keep in mind this guy sneezed at least 25 times. How about someone bless me and toss a bucket of holy water in my face to kill the swine flu which was now undoubtedly starting to kill me.
Eventually I made my way to the counter and dropped off my box. Free at last, free at last. Thank God Almighty, I’m free at last! All I had to do was walk out the door and my nightmare would finally be over. Wait, what is happening? Why can’t I get through the door?
6) People who stop in doorways! I have literally never felt the urge to stop in a doorway. Sadly the woman walking in front of me could not fight this urge. Nope, she stopped to read her receipt. I happen to know that she purchased postage for ONE ENVELOPE! What could possibly so important on that receipt that she would need to stop in a doorway to read it? I punched her in the side of the head and went on my way.
Was this as boring to read as it was to write?
Damn! Long story. There is so much I’d like to comment on but I feel like I would leave something out.
Crazy is as crazy does, that’s what my momma used to say.
The personal space thing, yeah, we need to be issued a little forcefield generator so we can keep people out. Since I’m a big guy and I guess a bit scary looking I usually don’t have this problem too much but when I do I really hate it.
I really hate it when people seem oblivious to others and hold up the natural progression of others to be completely self absorbed. Don’t fuck up the machine!
I’m sorry for your experience, but your retelling of it is comedy gold. I love your f*cking blog.
You shoulda just gone postal *shrug*
Listy.. you are so much better than the out-of-line in-line line-length complainer, because you complain about it post office de facto…
Crazies; I hear ya, man… We call ‘em Walkie Talkies here in San Francisco – you can never tell if someone is yapping in their stupid bluetooth, or yapping to something you, or I, can’t see…
Sneezing: I’m envisioning the curtain of pathogen laced spittle enveloping you… this makes me somewhat uncomfortable. Sorry about the H1N1. Can I have your stuff?
Did we head into the same post office? Because I have that experience EVERY FUCKING TIME.
I like the observation about the socks. My brother, who logged years working in a downtown liquor store and saw more crazies than most shrinks, always says, “Look at the shoes.” I find this extremely helpful when I’m trying to figure out if the person I think might be insane actually is insane.
Post office visits are only going to get worse with cuts, which will smack down people living in poverty and people in rural areas. And people with short fuses.
Might I also remind you that the USPS has a delightful, albeit a bit unwieldy, online service these days? You can even have your carrier pick up the package for no extra charge. I print my labels/postage, and drop it in the mailbox.
Yeah, I use Click-n-Ship all the time but I wanted to see this package in the hands of a human. I was paranoid about leaving it on the counter.
There’s no place I fear going more than the Post Office, they will always be #1 on my list. I do have a home digital postage system like Paul mentioned, but the USPS found a way to suck me back in by not allowing the home printing of postage for 1st Class International packages for absolutely no reason! I run a record label and unfortunately half my orders come from Europe, so they’ve got me by the balls. I pray someday they will have mercy on my soul and make that a clickable option so I never have to step foot in that completely unmanaged vortex of shit ever again.
I have a huge list of PO nightmare experiences, like being once being locked inside the Wicker Park station, but the rage it might induce by retelling could kill me. The sneezing part of your story had me laughing out loud. Once again, another excellent post, Listy.
post office.
DMV.
jury duty.
all these places make me feel as though my life could be cut abruptly short by one of the “dregs” of society and then there we are, on the 6 o’clock news.
I just went to one of the sketchier PO’s in town – mid market street – and I’m happy to report, absolutely nothing happened. I even got an english-speaking, articulate employee to help me!
SanFran – you should play the lottery today, it’s your lucky day. I get half of your winnings.
You’ll get nothing, and like it!
“Maybe if I lived in a small town the local psychos would seem charming, but when you live in a major city and you are surrounded by crazies, the charm wears away quickly.”
Yeah, as someone who has just moved to a small town, I can tell you that the small-town crazies are in no way charming. In my town we have two rival crazy doll ladies (women who raise dolls as if they were their kids), and the doll ladies are forever throwing down with each other. It was kind of interesting the first few times, but now I realize I live in a Podunk town where my biggest entertainment is mitigating fights between crazy doll ladies. Trust me, I would take big-city crazy any day, esp. if it meant I got to eat at awesome Chicago restaurants.
Doll mommies are SCARY! I can’t believe there are 2 of them in your small town. Yeah, Chicago truly is one of the great food cities in the world.
That may be the funniest thing I’ve ever read in my life. I was just laughing so hard I was sobbing. Thank you.