Sep 11 2009

Recumbent Bikes!

Published by at 3:09 am under I Don't Get It,Jerks

recumbent bike dork

“Hey everyone, look at me, my bike is different and I love NPR.”

Oh brother. I just rolled my eyes so hard that I lost my balance and fell off my chair. Speaking of chairs and balance, I sure do hate recumbent bikes. What’s it going to be? Are you going for a bike ride or are you relaxing in your favorite chair? Take your pick, because you look like a douche-sack when you do both simultaneously.

We get it, you love world music, you aren’t afraid to eat Ethiopian food, you mow your yard with one of those old timey push mowers and nothing gives you a bigger boner than listening to Garrison Keillor on your iPod while riding around on your wacky bike.

I use the Johnny Cash formula to decide if something is cool or not. Anyone can use this proven method, it’s easy. For example, would Johnny Cash have ridden a motorcycle? Yes, ergo motorcycles are cool. Would Johnny Cash wash a handful of pills down with a beer? Yes, therefore abusing prescription medicine and alcohol is cool. Now, would Johnny Cash cruise around Connecticut on some asswipe recumbent bike? Fuck no!

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39 comments so far

39 comments to “Recumbent Bikes!”

  1. rachelon 11 Sep 2009 at 5:22 am


    thank god you hate these. i thought i was just a jerk. and there are SO many when you live near the beach. for the record, i do love me some “Prairie Home Companion” and Ira Glass.

  2. Paul in Saint Paulon 11 Sep 2009 at 7:09 am

    I don’t understand these contraptions. Why do people want to ride these instead of the standard upright bicycle? Or better yet, a tall bike?

  3. CreatureofHabiton 11 Sep 2009 at 7:15 am

    They are all over Cambridge. I hate these things- sooooo dangerous – you can not see them until they are right up under you. You also can’t see them in your rearview mirrors when you are opening your door adjacent to a bike lane (which makes me extra paranoid when getting out of my car).

    Can anyone explain to me why the people who ride these things always have beards? Is it a requirement?

    Listy – I think you should also talk about the teeny tiny, shitty little “motorcycles” that look like clown cars that the kids seem to enjoy riding these days.

  4. Peteon 11 Sep 2009 at 7:48 am

    I will now reassess my life using the JC test. YOu are a king.

  5. calebon 11 Sep 2009 at 8:29 am

    i’ve always thought that people who ride recumbent bikes probably shop at co-ops, and are overly concerned about the texture of their own shit.

  6. You Just Made My List!on 11 Sep 2009 at 8:36 am

    Rachel – Love This American Life but HATE HATE HATE Prairie Home Companion!

    Paul – Are you bringing up tall bikes just to ruin my morning?

    Creature – Recumbent bike riders ALWAYS have he exact same look, always. Also, I was just at a weekend scooter rally and there was a small “gang” of guys on miniature choppers. They looked INCREDIBLY unsafe.

    Pete – I agree, I am awesome.

    Caleb – Poop is the worst. I hate pooping.

  7. rachelon 11 Sep 2009 at 12:15 pm

    creature- i hate those tiny motorcycles too! hooray for hate!

    listy- sorry ’bout the “Companion”. there is something i like about the old timey-midwest nostalgia. can we at least agree that CAR TALK is AWESOME??

  8. hodanon 11 Sep 2009 at 1:15 pm

    I love Johnny Cash. that is all.

  9. You Just Made My List!on 11 Sep 2009 at 1:42 pm

    Rachel – Car Talk is god.

  10. Neishon 11 Sep 2009 at 2:25 pm

    Oh well, I guess that’ll be 10 points for a normal cyclist and 15 points for the recumbent bikers. Vroom Vroom!

  11. Jonathanon 11 Sep 2009 at 5:21 pm

    Everything about that picture makes me want to puke: his stupid pointy shoes, his ridiculous Oakley goggles, his fucking swim cap, THE RETARDED SHOPPING CART FLAG ON THE BACK!!!!

    Car Talk is indeed the greatest show of all time. I also enjoy Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me.

  12. DanaPooon 11 Sep 2009 at 9:48 pm

    In my town there’s a man that rides one of these bikes. He has no use of his legs. It was built so the pedals or handle pedals are near his chest so he can bike with his hands.
    I have a huge bone missing from my ankle and sitting upright for too long causes my ankle to swell up like a grapefruit. I could really use something like this.
    I do understand the danger in cars not being able to see them. Then again a bicyclist needs to use caution too and not decide to ride in dangerous area’s.

  13. Joeon 13 Sep 2009 at 8:48 am

    i actually have a poster of johnny cash riding one of these, looks like you’re uncool.

  14. Ericon 16 Sep 2009 at 11:24 pm

    Well, Johnny Cash is cool and all that I guess. But lots of idiot “posers” try and be “johnny cash cool” and really it is all a joke. So to hell with the johnny cash test and all the clones drinking their PBR.

  15. You Just Made My List!on 17 Sep 2009 at 11:35 am

    Eric – You get down on your knees and apologize to Johnny Cash, the Johnny Cash test and to God almighty himself! I’m not sure what Johnny Cash has to do with PBR so apologize to Johnny Cash one more time.

  16. Wal Manon 08 Nov 2009 at 12:56 pm

    Let’s just hate things that are different. That way we can all save time by not having to actually describe what it is we hate. We can just say “I saw something different today, I hate it.”

    Much easier for you guys of the monosylabic, knuckle-dragging, “let’s run it over with our car because we’re able to” types. I’m surprised you found the time to “roll your eyes” what with all the beer drinking, television sports watching, fatty meat eating and wife beating you have to do before bed time.

    Don’t know if you’ve looked lately but every motorcyclist I see is at least 50 and a FATASS. The under 50s who do ride can’t afford the mamoth price of a Harley and ride bikes from Japan. I refer to them as “Future FATASSES”.

    So get off YOUR Fatass and learn to ride a bike.


  17. You Just Made My List!on 09 Nov 2009 at 1:03 am

    Wal Man – I’ll have you know that I often use words with more than one syllable! Just look at that last sentence, I used “often” and “syllable.” That’s four right there you big meany face!

    I’m also curious why it’s OK for YOU to randomly start ripping on people who ride motorcycles when it’s not OK for ME to criticize things? Seems like you are a bit holier than thou. By the way, I don’t even own a motorcycle so I’m not even sure what you were trying to accomplish with your motorcycle rant.

    Get over it, you look like a tool on your silly recumbent bike and everyone knows it. Don’t blame me and my readers for pointing this out to you, someone had to.

  18. slvron 28 Nov 2009 at 11:15 pm

    Wal Man – that’s the exact attitude the kind of douchebag who would ride one of those bikes has, and that’s the point. The bikes have no function that a normal fucking bike doesn’t already have. Douchebags just like to get dressed up in their douche gear and ride douche bikes because they think it makes them “different”, when in reality there are 10 other douches in the same neighborhood riding 10 other douche bikes.

    What’s with American bicyclists and wearing pants so tight we can tell what religion you are? people in other countries ride bikes all the time, but nobody wears gay ass outfits like that unless they’re in the Tour de France, which you’re not.

  19. steveon 05 Dec 2009 at 2:38 am

    There are a few people I see on a regular basis during my fairly short commute everyday here in Seattle riding what I like to refer to as “dorkcycles”
    The thing that bothers me most about them (aside from the fact that they are IN THE WAY) is that they don’t have much control of them-the next time you see one watch them…imagine if they had to really try to turn and avoid something. They can’t.
    I’ve done some research on this. Recumbant bikes were made for the long, straight haul….not negotiating city traffic. They should be illegal, cuz they aren’t safe.
    The fact that they are the most completely dorkey things I’ve ever seen is incidental.
    There should be a law that everyone riding one has to wear a beret………oh, wait-most of these people wouldn’t mind that, so the punitive effect would be diminished.

  20. RecumbentFTWon 26 Dec 2009 at 1:34 pm

    All you haters suck my balls!

  21. trickytomon 22 Feb 2010 at 11:04 pm

    following your way of thinking, we would never have developed the automobile, because those metal horses looked really stupid.

    It’s not suprising that America lags the rest of the world in so many areas.

    We were once a hotbed of open-minded innovation and invention; now we’re just a country full of guffawing, fat, lazy, sports-obsessed dufuses who live off the sweat of previous generations.

  22. trickytomon 22 Feb 2010 at 11:14 pm


    I love the term “dorkcycle”. It took me quite a while, but now I see what you did; you cleverly took the word “dork” and add the suffix “cycle” to it, thereby creating a hilarious description of someone who rides a recumbant bike.

    I also agree with your statement that riders of recumbants should be required to wear berets. The connection between French head apparel and recumbant bikes is so obvious that it’s hard to believe that scholars like yourself haven’t made it sooner.

  23. You Just Made My List!on 22 Feb 2010 at 11:27 pm

    Trickytom – If only we could invent a way to ride a bike while positioned face down, the world would be SAVED! By the way, I am not fat or lazy and I rarely guffaw. I think I guffawed once during the Reagan administration.

  24. steveon 07 Mar 2010 at 3:33 am

    I have no idea why I came back to look at this post-found it in my history or something….I’m so glad I did! I’m just tickled!

    I seem to have hit a little Trickytom nerve.

    As for toms statement “now we’re just a country full of guffawing, fat, lazy, sports-obsessed dufuses who live off the sweat of previous generations.”

    I occasionally guffaw-I’ll own up to that(usually while laughing at those with their heads up their own beret wearing asses.).

    I’m not even remotely fat-odds are I’m in better shape than you.

    Call me lazy again and I will totally kick your ass-and clean up the mess when I’m done.

    “sports obsessed dufuses”….you have an incredibly narrow view of those people who aren’t you. I don’t even know the rules to Baseball. Bet you do though.

    As for your remark regarding the fact that you somehow think I am living off of the sweat of previous generations……………..where to where to where to start…in the immediate present reality there is one generation (or what is left of it) in my world that is technically living off of me. I am supporting it, so FUCK YOU. The fact that your statement about living off of the sweat etc., etc, doesn’t make sense doesn’t matter, because I am too, too tired and I couldn’t give a shit what you think of me or anyone else.

    I know-it was genius of me! A “dork” on a “cycle” equalled “dorkcycle”

    I’m clever that way.

    It pissed you off because now you know what all of those people behind you in their cars think….

    I think you are probably (like most people) a cool person. You ride an idioticly silly and pointless contraption. That is not my fault. That is entirely your doing.

    You and I probably have more in common than not.

    I have a silly haircut, but no one ever had to follow it slowly up a street for eight blocks because it was too wide to navigate around, and yet wouldn’t/couldn’t get out of the way.

    You make these allusions to culture and choices, and yet….you seem to ignore the fact that you are NOT the culture, you are IN the culture.

    My beret comment seemed to go right the hell over your head. It had nothing to do with the French, but it had everything to do with…..people who thought it had to do with the French.

    Pull out the pin.

  25. Jimon 30 Mar 2010 at 9:09 am

    I must comment that this is the funniest thread I have read in a very long time. BTW those bikes look extra stupid when they have the torpedo/rocketship skin thing on the front. In NJ people have been know to dive off the road while laughing at the riders.

  26. Tanyaon 30 Mar 2010 at 3:28 pm

    I ride a recumbent, and definitely don’t have a beard 😉 I ride one because its really comfortable – much more so than sitting on a little pointy seat, and they are also super aerodynamic. Recumbents hold all the land speed records, so the jealous crybabies on their wedgie bikes decided to ban them from racing and that’s why you never see them in the TdF.

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  29. Studmuffinon 08 Aug 2010 at 6:40 pm

    Don’t even get me started on these douche bags that ride those abominations …
    I’ve found that most guys with beards who are over 40 are f’n a-holes … It stands to reason that most of the douche bag recumby’s have beards … Nuff said …

  30. JCashon 19 Feb 2011 at 12:22 am

    Now, I’m normally a fairly peaceful, tolerant guy, but I see one of these on the street and my inner redneck emerges, Hulk-like. I’m overcome with an irresistible urge to beat this guy senseless with a bicycle pump, for obvious crimes against humanity. Someone also needs to tell this guy that this contraption will definitely not get him laid. Everything about the picture below is just wrong: little-kid bike flag, tight sissy spandex outfit, dainty little shoes, ski goggles?, head at a level where you can’t see shit, posture like he’s getting a gynecological exam, and what’s with the crank out there in front rather than underneath where God intended? All he needs is a pink tutu to complete the picture. (Sorry, I saw one of these in Boulder the other day and I just had to vent)

  31. allenon 19 Jun 2011 at 3:02 am

    Why hate the recumbents? I personally ride a normal upright bike, but I see a couple of these around here sometimes. They do have the advantage of more aerodynamic and comfortable, and then tend to be faster than normal bikes on flats and downhills, but of course they typically weigh more, making it harder to climb hills. Both kinds of bikes have advantages and disadvantages.

  32. Neiduon 31 Oct 2011 at 3:24 pm

    Seems like all the tards that ride these things are all software engineers, who typically have beards. One even rocks a windshield on his… don’t know his name because i’m afraid to talk to that weirdo, actually don’t know anyone who knows his name, cause everyone is afraid to talk to that weirdo… There are SO many different styles of bikes out there, why… oh why do people buy these??? I hate passing these nerds on the local trails because they ARE out of control, and always looks like they’re straining to see what’s in front of them!

  33. grinningremlinon 08 Aug 2012 at 2:15 pm

    Wow, what a DB you are yourself.If you don’t like the looks of it don’t ride one.One commenter stated “they look so unsafe” as she tools her fatass around in a car.People who think things should “look” a certain way are slow in the brain.No I don’t own one (would,… they are just so expensive, will someday, so F-U) hate NPR, love metal and JC, but you sir are just an ass (takes one to know one).If you think Johnny is so cool, by all means swallow a fistful of downs and chase it with some high proof juice, maybe you can join him.Trickytom has it right, and for your info they’re ARE prone (face down) position recumbents, and they will smoke any “regular” bike any day!!
    What’s really funny, you languish, widening your ass, taking God knows how many hours hating things, while most of those “silly” riders are smiling, watching birds, and living better than you.

  34. You Just Made My List!on 08 Aug 2012 at 3:24 pm

    Wow, someone woke up on the wrong side of the stupid bike this morning.

    but you sir are just an ass (takes one to know one)” – did you mean to call yourself an ass?

    Don’t worry about my life or my “widening ass,” I live in Hawaii and start every morning with a 2 mile walk along one of the most beautiful beaches on the planet. Life is good, sorry to disappoint you.

  35. Budon 18 Aug 2012 at 11:23 am

    i’ve ridden a recumbent for the past two years….commute 20 miles round trip on it daily year-round. I used to commute on a standard frame bike until a back/spine injury made it too painful to ride (damaged discs get further compressed when bending over to reach a standard bike’s handlebars).
    My options were start driving to work, take the bus, or ride a recumbent.
    The bike you have a photo of is a particularly low type…many recumbents use standard 700c bike wheels and are up nearly as high as other bikes…i’ve never had an issue with me not being able to make eye contact with drivers in city traffic.
    And I really don’t enjoy being an oddball on the road…not a week goes by that some driver or pedestrian mocks me- drivers have never said ‘hey i can’t see you, you’re being unsafe’…its usually just ‘hey, you look stupid’…wow, what a revelation.
    Anyways….just figured i’d mention that for some of us, recumbents are not some kind of statement that we are trying to be weird….its just the only option we have available to continue getting some exercise on the way to work and not being in pain from an injury.

  36. Willon 30 Aug 2012 at 11:25 pm

    I’m a student in my twenties, and I own both a ‘normal’ upright touring bicycle (Schwinn 89 Mirada with a 650b wheelset) and a recumbent (the Trek R200 with 40 gears!).

    I understand the knee-jerk reaction of “why can’t you ride a normal bike?”. And, generally, I agree that it makes sense not to reinvent the wheel. But since when did riding bikes have anything to do with how they looked?

    I like to modify, build, and ride bikes (of all types) because they are fun. After all, cycling is a selfish sport: it’s all about YOU (and your decisions on when, where, and what to ride).

    Ride the bike that’s the most fun for YOU! That’s what’s important!

    Also, I would agree that some recumbent types are inherently unsafe off the track (lowracers) because the rider can’t see over his knees! However, not ALL recumbents are low racers. There are recumbents that put your face at the same level as other drivers (I’m assuming coupe class vehicles are the norm).

  37. Emmaon 27 May 2013 at 1:32 am

    Pretty sure a lot of the normal things we/you do Johnny Cash wouldn’t do either. He’s not a great gauge.

  38. You Just Made My List!on 27 May 2013 at 1:43 pm

    That’s exactly why he


    a perfect gauge. For example, I just spoke in an adorable baby-talk voice to my cat. Would Johnny Cash partake in this “normal” activity? No. Therefore, talking baby-tak to your cat is not cool. The formula is flawless.

    Apology Accepted.

  39. Munchma Kuchieon 10 Sep 2014 at 3:35 pm

    I would find it incredibly enjoyable to drive over one of you recumbent riding nimrods. You can defend your reclining bicycles all you want. They are still one of the most incredibly stupid things ever to be invented and do not belong on any roadway ever. You are probably the same idiots who block traffic riding 2 by 2 because you think riding your bikes on a busy road is the best time to carry out a conversation, and you are too oblivious/self-important to carry on like a normal, considerate human being.