Sep 22 2009


Published by at 3:03 am under I Don't Get It,Jerks

I hate cherries

Hey cherries, suck my dick! You think you are so awesome just because you taste good in candy form, but guess what jerk, you suck as a fruit. Are you even a fruit? Are you a berry? Is a berry a fruit? See the problems you create?

You sit there so shiny and smug in your bin like you are the Beatles of the produce department, when clearly you are the Coldplay of the the supermarket. The first few seconds of a Coldplay song you think “Hey, is this that Radiohead song I like?” No, no it isn’t, and soon you realize it’s just Coldplay taking another shit in your ears. It’s the same sensation when you bite into a cherry. It looks like a perfect little bite-sized yummy red treat but you forgot about that stupid pit didn’t you? I don’t need to fuck around with no seeds when I’m getting my fruit on. My grandma used to buy grapes with seeds in them and every time I would visit I’d pop some of those suckers in my mouth, only to almost choke to death on those stupid seeds. Come on grandma, get your head in the game!

Cherries don’t even TASTE good.

In summation, cherries are Coldplay, Coldplay sucks, cherries suck and my grandma tried to ruin my childhood by purchasing seeded grapes. Now do you understand how I got this way?

P.S. Oranges are the Beatles of fruit. Pluots are the Pink Floyd of fruit and grapes are the Pixies. Bananas are the Talking Heads and Apples are the Rolling Stones. Grapefruits are Fall Out Boy!

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30 comments so far

30 comments to “Cherries!”

  1. Xinaon 22 Sep 2009 at 5:26 am

    Oh Listy you’ve gone too far now. Cherries are awesome and I don’t care what you say. Not only are they tasty and worth the pit (what shitty cherries have you been chewing on?) but they’re lovely as well. Try a black cherry. They’re sweeter and the pits are smaller. Or you can buy they pitted. Or you can just avoid cherries all together and quite your bitching about things that don’t concern you. I said good day, sir!

  2. Xinaon 22 Sep 2009 at 5:28 am

    Damn I typoed that post like an over excited retard. I’m not sure I’ll ever live down this shame.

  3. Jeffon 22 Sep 2009 at 6:11 am

    Surely this ire should be directed towards grapefruit. I mean does anyone actually eat those things?

  4. Jeffon 22 Sep 2009 at 6:16 am

    Yeah Xina, if you read it really fast it sounds like a monologue from one of those HBO meth shows – except about cherries not how they’re going to get off meth.

  5. Peteon 22 Sep 2009 at 7:02 am

    Cherries are alright with me. Coldplay isn’t–so you got that right!

  6. Joeon 22 Sep 2009 at 8:10 am

    pineapples = zeppelin

  7. You Just Made My List!on 22 Sep 2009 at 9:31 am

    Xina – Maybe all those cherries are making you dumber, I wouldn’t put it past them.

    Joe – I think Zeppelin would be something dirtier, like the a coconut. I think Elton John is the Pineapple.

  8. Joeon 22 Sep 2009 at 9:38 am

    but i hate coconuts. think about it, wouldn’t elton be the coconut? zeppelin is a pickle. stick an okay cucumber in brine and garlic shit for a couple weeks and boom! instant goodness. i guess like..guns n roses would be pineapple? glam mixed with awesome?

  9. You Just Made My List!on 22 Sep 2009 at 9:45 am

    Joe – Good point, coconuts do suck ass. Maybe Zeppelin is a black plum.

  10. Jonathanon 22 Sep 2009 at 10:13 am

    I like cherries, but Gala apples are the fucking king of fruits. They’re not too sweet (like Red Delicious), not too tart (like Granny fucking Smith). I also love bananas, especially when slathered in peanut butter. Dates! Figs! Pomegranates are cool too, except for the fucking mess!

    And yes, grapefruits are the worst. The only people I can imagine eating grapefruits are old people who eat half a grapefruit with some cottage cheese, then go work out to Jack LaLanne.

  11. SanFranon 22 Sep 2009 at 10:24 am

    Dude… So, I think it’s official: we are brothers from a different mother…

    I thought I was the only person walking this bruised & battered planet who didn’t like cherries, the taste of cherry, the essence of cherry… be it in natural, or candy form.

    I don’t know if it was overdosing on the likes of Vicks cough drops as a little kid or what, but pretty much the worse case scenario for me is being trapped on public transit with some cherry-poppin mofo.

    Simply smelling cherries make me nauseous.

    Those pieces of shit that top a sundae? Take it off, and make sure you take any of the fucking whipped cream that is still laced with the red sauce it left behind, and do it quick, before we have a problem, OK?

    To recap: My list of the worst food items ever, in order:

    Mustard: in condiment form, is Satan reincarnate
    Onions: un- or under-cooked make me sick
    Cherries: I’d rather eat pickles!
    Pickles: disgusting green turds, i’d sooner eat cat feces.

    ——-end of feed——–

  12. Tommyon 22 Sep 2009 at 10:46 am

    You gotta buy your cherries at the farm where they grow them. Then you’ll change your tune you sick fuck

  13. Joeon 22 Sep 2009 at 11:01 am

    mustard, onions, and pickles? what the fuck do you put on a burger?

  14. hodanon 22 Sep 2009 at 11:04 am

    strawberries are the Garbage of fruits.Kiwis are the AC/DC of fruits.Cherries are confusing, the candies are delicious but the fruit sucks. it’s like watermelons only reverse,fruit good candy bad.Nectarine are Television of fruits, no-one’s heard of them but everybody’s copied them at one point.

  15. mikeon 22 Sep 2009 at 11:09 am

    You are insane, cherries are one of the best fruits of all time, except for those nasty Marachino Cherries.

    Black Cherries are Radiohead.

    Marachino Cherries are Coldplay.

  16. You Just Made My List!on 22 Sep 2009 at 11:22 am

    Hodan – “Nectarines are Television” – Nice! Although, I think that strawberries might actually be the Blondie of fruits.

  17. You Just Made My List!on 22 Sep 2009 at 11:24 am

    Mike – I actually kind of like Maraschino cherries and I can tie the stem in a knot with my tongue. LADIES?

  18. hodanon 22 Sep 2009 at 11:32 am

    Listy- oh yes Blondie! Garbage can be the Guava then.Hole are the peaches(or is Peaches the peach?), with one rotten peach in the center.:D

  19. Joeon 22 Sep 2009 at 12:04 pm

    limes are motorhead, looks like you got punched in the face mo fucka.

  20. calebon 22 Sep 2009 at 12:37 pm

    i would say that Motorhead is more like an Ugli fruit ( ). though Elton John is pretty stinking ugly also.

  21. rachelon 22 Sep 2009 at 1:13 pm

    do yourself a favor and go grab a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia ice cream.

    1 pint. 1 spoon. 1 sitting.

  22. You Just Made My List!on 22 Sep 2009 at 1:25 pm

    Caleb – What the hell is an ugli fruit? Weird.

    Rachel – Can I add porn to the list? 1 pint. 1 spoon. 17 porn DVDs. 1 sitting.

  23. rachelon 22 Sep 2009 at 1:31 pm

    yup! can’t believe i left the porn off. my bad!

  24. hodanon 22 Sep 2009 at 2:36 pm

    leave it to listy to turn a seemingly innocent post about fruits and music about PORN.

  25. Christineon 22 Sep 2009 at 3:50 pm

    Maybe you hate cherries because you’re eating them in September instead of when they’re in season? Also, SanFran, you seem to have a specific hatred of Maraschino cherries, which is right and proper, They are nothing like the real fruit. If you want to hate any fruit, hate cantaloupe. That stuff is disgusting.

  26. Yours Trulyon 22 Sep 2009 at 4:49 pm

    Wow, a lot of people hate fruit. Personally, the fruit that I hate the most is the tomatoe. Mostly because it’s a goddamn vegetable and not a fruit.

  27. SanFranon 23 Sep 2009 at 5:41 pm

    Christine: I love cantaloupe, and my cherry hatred spans all makes / models.

    Yours Truly: Tomato can be pretty nasty at times, too. I dig it as a sauce, or accompanied by toasty bread, mozzarella and basil, and a few other things, but never, never on its own. That shit’ll fuck you up, and it won’t hold your hand afterwards.

  28. Munchieson 27 Sep 2009 at 7:18 pm

    there’s something wrong with all of you.

  29. Mister GreenJeanson 08 Dec 2009 at 5:48 pm

    Your nuts!!! Gala are the best apples in the known universe, but Rainer Cherries rock – they are the best cherry, they are the Gala of cherries. They are about as big as a grapefruit (well okay maybe only the size of a small crab apple) and they are red & yellow colored – even when fully ripe, but the flavor rocks. Great with beer, vodka or schnapps.

    Gala and apple schnapps rock…

    Gotta go Captain Kangaroo has been chasin me around all day and I’m trying to hide inside Mr. Clock, its kinda tight trying to type in here.

  30. Dacotaon 11 Jan 2010 at 3:23 am

    Grapes are the Pixies? I fucking love you.