Oct 09 2009

Everyone who texts while driving, except for me because I’m awesome at it!

Published by at 3:45 am under Jerks

texting while driving

90% of the time when I’m driving and I see another driver make a jackass move, they are busy texting away. I drive up next to them and give them a look that says, “I disapprove of you and your ways.” 92% of the time I am stranded behind someone at a stop sign or a green light it’s because the car in front of me is texting their friend important information like “I M in car, B ther in 5. LOL.” I’m not sure why they are texting LOL at the end of that but I’m sure they are.

Get off your fucking phone and stop driving like you are playing Grand Theft Auto and purposely trying to run down prostitutes.

That is, unless you are me.

I was recently awarded the “World’s Best Driver” award from the International Federation of Driving Arts and Being Awesome. Yeah, I’m that good at driving. I’m even better at driving while writing emails, buying shit on eBay, texting, playing PacMan and looking at porn on my iPhone. I once watched an entire season of Lost on my phone while driving 115 miles per hour through the desert. I wasn’t even wearing a shirt for Christ’s sake!

You, on the other hand, drive like a cockknuckle while texting on your less-cool-than-the-iPhone phone of yours. The next time your texting gets in the way of my trip to Red Lobster, I’m going to pull up next to you and pee in your window. You have been warned.

Speaking of texting, I would like to admit to the dumbest idea I have ever had. I am ashamed of myself for this “invention” but I feel that sharing it will somehow cleanse me. Here goes…

I was driving and thought “Wouldn’t it be easier to text if I could just speak into the phone and it would use voice recognition to create a text?” Well idiot, here’s an idea, instead of speaking a text message how’s about you just fucking call the other person and SPEAK it directly to them. I hate myself for being that dumb.

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14 comments so far

14 comments to “Everyone who texts while driving, except for me because I’m awesome at it!”

  1. 8bitheroon 09 Oct 2009 at 7:38 am

    Using a dell PHONE to send written messages seems like a few steps back, to me. It’s like we reinstituted the telegram.

    What’s next, bring back the pony express.

    You have a phone, retard. Use it like a PHONE!

  2. 8bitheroon 09 Oct 2009 at 7:38 am

    cell, not dell phone

  3. icecycle66on 09 Oct 2009 at 7:39 am

    Not only are you dumb, but slow to the draw as well.


  4. CreatureofHabiton 09 Oct 2009 at 7:47 am

    I 100% blame you for the amount of texting that has come into my life via my sister…..you know it.

    I can’t even talk on the phone while driving, who the fuck is texting while driving? Why the fuck can’t people just drive? It would really take my road rage down a notch. Pay attention people! There’s rules to be followed and enforced. And if the cops won’t enforce them, my road rage will!

  5. rachelon 09 Oct 2009 at 8:40 am

    i pretty much hate all texting. especially when i am sitting in the same room with someone and they pick up their phone and start typing while talking to me.

    i also hate blue-tooth ear pieces. all of this technology just makes people feel more important than they really are.

  6. Paul in Saint Paulon 09 Oct 2009 at 11:49 am

    Shit, this summer I was at a bar with this motherfucker who texted the WHOLE time, AND it was during his friend’s 21st birthday party. He couldn’t even hold a damn conversation at a tavern booth while texting, much less drive a car. But apparently he does. I think he grossly overestimates his prowess.

  7. Jayon 09 Oct 2009 at 12:28 pm

    Cell phones are the most annoying invention ever, I wish they didn’t exist.

  8. guilty noodleson 09 Oct 2009 at 1:31 pm

    I can’t text. It takes too damn long for me. The other day, I was on the cell phone with the pediatrician’s office b/c my 3 yr old had suddenly developed spots all over his face. As I was on hold, my husband says, “Take a photo and send it to them.”

    “I can’t. My phone’s so ghetto, it doesn’t even have a camera on it. On top of that, I’m running out of minutes and I’m afraid it’ll cut me off.” Yes, I use one of those drug-dealing pay-as-you go phones because I don’t even use the phone enough for it to be worth having a monthly bill. Most of the time, I don’t even pick up the phone when I’m driving because I’m already a shitty driver and b/w yelling at my kids and speeding, I’m stunned I haven’t had an accident in over 15 yrs.

  9. You Just Made My List!on 09 Oct 2009 at 1:33 pm

    Paul – Me? WHAT? Come on, I might have looked at my phone a couple times but I think you are greatly exaggerating. I will await your apology…

  10. Paul in Saint Paulon 09 Oct 2009 at 5:24 pm

    The mf in question was really only engaged in authentic bar conversation when someone went to the restroom and he attempted to use her phone to text people from her contacts with lewd or inappropriate messages. Luckily, an ensuing conversation averted this potential social catastrophe. I consider this to be texting-dependent/obsessive behavior. Apology withheld!

  11. hans krauton 10 Oct 2009 at 10:10 pm

    Sorry dude, I like your site and respect your opinions, but someone from a country where everybody uses automatic gears and isn’t allowed to go faster than 80 mph can’t be “World’s best driver”.
    In fact, i am the world’s best driver, for ruling the autobahn at 160 mph while my model gf sucks me off.
    And that’s that.

  12. 8bitheroon 12 Oct 2009 at 7:32 am


    i also hate blue-tooth ear pieces. all of this technology just makes people feel more important than they really are.

    You mean the “douchetooth” headsets!

    Yeah, I’m in DC and , not to sound racist, but every, EVERY blackman here uses one. All the time. If you see a black dude, it is a 99.999999999% certainty that he will be sporting a douchetooth earpiece.

  13. Joeon 12 Oct 2009 at 7:48 am

    hans i fucked ur girl

  14. Paul in Saint Paulon 12 Oct 2009 at 6:34 pm

    Hans, you pompous German jackass, a Michael Milton from Garp fate awaits you. Step on that pedal!