Nov 12 2009

Red Delicious apples!

Published by at 3:46 am under I Don't Get It,Jerks

Red Delicious apples

Red Delicious? More Like Red NOT Delicious! OH SNAP!!!

Let me tell you something Mr. Red Delicious, you fucking suck. You suck ass and you suck balls. You might LOOK delicious, but you taste like disappointment. You taste like unfulfilled dreams.

You sit there acting like your shit don’t stink when the reality is that, not only does your shit stink, your crappy apple meat stinks too. Sure, you have that textbook “apple” look but who gives a shit, Carrot Top looks funny but it doesn’t make him funny.

You could really learn a thing or two from the Honeycrisp apple. If it wasn’t for this incredible apple variety I would put ALL apples on my list!

Honeycrisp = Public Enemy’s “Night of the Living Baseheads
Red Delicious = The Super Bowl Shuffle

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15 comments so far

15 comments to “Red Delicious apples!”

  1. Paul in Saint Paulon 12 Nov 2009 at 9:37 am

    Honeycrisp is supremre. Harrelson is a second. I have a soft, sour spot in my heart for Granny Smith. The rest are fine for juicing or cooking.

  2. calebon 12 Nov 2009 at 10:07 am

    i couldn’t agree more. red delicious apples are mushy and too sweet – they are only good for juice or applesauce.

    granny smiths are the best!

  3. You Just Made My List!on 12 Nov 2009 at 10:31 am

    Caleb – I suggest you eat a Honeycrsip. Once you do, you will no longer think Granny Smith is the king of apples. Trust me, I know everything and my opinions are flawless.

  4. calebon 12 Nov 2009 at 12:52 pm

    yeah, i’m familiar with the honeycrisp – i live less than a few miles from where they were invented at the university of minnesota.

    i just may have to pick some up on my way home tonight.
    nothing like a good crisp apple, paired with a sharp cheddar cheese. some crusty bread, and a good wine – that’s my kind of thursday night dinner.

  5. You Just Made My List!on 12 Nov 2009 at 1:07 pm

    Caleb – I approve of this dinner.

  6. jenniferon 12 Nov 2009 at 1:57 pm

    Honeycrisps are the only apples I eat! Red Delicious promise crispiness on the outside, but deliver soft, soggy mealiness on the inside.

  7. Saraon 12 Nov 2009 at 4:32 pm

    Hobo: “And now you can find apples everywhere…apple schnapps, apple whiskey, apple wine…uhhh snapple with vodka in it.”

    Lisa “What about apple sauce?”

    Hobo: “Yea..I guess you can crush some pills up in it”

    -the simpsons

  8. SanFranon 12 Nov 2009 at 6:29 pm

    A-fucking-men, man… I have always classified Red “Delicious” Apples somewhere on the list somewhere below my own feces and above the GOP, even when I was a wee little tyke who didn’t even know what the GOP was. But, I digress.

    Growing up in New England, I am still partial to the Macintosh varietal, and have fond memories of going apple picking up in New Hampshire in October every year.

    Out here in California, the “Pink Lady” seems popular, and it’s pretty good… I’ve never had a honeycrisp – gonna have to get me one of them soon.

    OK, back to it, you bastards… ALL OF YOU!

  9. SanFranon 12 Nov 2009 at 8:02 pm

    I just used somewhere twice in the same sentence, somewhere. what’s my f’in problem, anyhow?

    don’t answer that.

  10. Jayon 14 Nov 2009 at 11:00 am

    Honeycrisp apples are too dense, it’s like someone took a normal apple and compressed it into a rock. I much prefer Macintosh and a few other varieties for texture and flavor.

    Honeycrisp = Red Hot Chili Peppers – Californication
    Macintosh = Beach Boys – Sunflower

  11. Whateveron 22 Dec 2009 at 9:11 pm

    Macintosh = watching porn
    Gala = having real sex
    Honeycrisp = watching porn while having real sex
    Red Delicious = having real sex while watching porn and realizing that the person your having sex with just took a shit and the porn was actually two gay midgets dressed like Oprah and Bette Midler with hairy backs feeding each other raisins while the world blows up in the background with Ben Afleck waving an American Flag while he eats animal crackers

  12. saraon 15 Sep 2010 at 3:59 pm

    Holly Shit and Halleluiah, The Honey Crisps have arrived in my local Grocer. This chick at work was like “Have you guys tried this honey crisp?” and she holds out a bowl of slices, and I went balistic grabbing at them. She currently muttering to herself about the joy she just experienced

  13. You Just Made My List!on 15 Sep 2010 at 5:00 pm

    I have the sweet juices of a Honeycrisp on my lips as I type this.

  14. saraon 16 Sep 2010 at 7:58 am

    thats hot

  15. steveon 15 Jan 2013 at 7:46 pm

    pink lady apples are where it’s at