Feb 25 2010

Inspirational email signatures!

Published by at 3:15 am under I Don't Get It,Jerks,Why?!?

inspirational email quotes

It’s bad enough being told to “dream” by some piece of shit hanging on your wall, but when you cheerfully ask me to let God’s love climb inside me and do something blah blah blah at the end of your email, it fills me with a form of rage yet to be described by the English language.

I just want to know why you haven’t shipped my Ninja swords yet, I don’t need your dime store Obi-Wan Kenobi bullshit at the end of your email. When a person is sitting at home waiting for their fucking Ninja swords to arrive so that he might protect himself from rival Ninjas in the neighborhood, do you really think he wants to be told “When you believe in yourself the possibilities are endless?” NO! I WANT MY SWORDS!

Why is it that the more horrible and pathetic your shitty life is the more you believe in crappy inspirational nonsense? Do you think Donald Trump ends his emails with “Faith is daring the soul to go beyond what the eyes can see?” Of course not, and we all know Donald Trump is the most powerful, rich, awesome, charismatic, classy man in the universe. We should be so lucky! You think Donald Trump has to lock himself in the house for two weeks while he waits for his swords to arrive? Are you kidding? That man gets his swords flown to him on a private jet directly from Chinese Ninja training camps.

And PLEASE stop telling me to have a “blessed day.” I don’t want a blessed day, I simply want my swords.

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12 comments so far

12 comments to “Inspirational email signatures!”

  1. Edon 25 Feb 2010 at 5:21 am

    Well, I always go by this advice I read at the end of the emails I am lucky enough to receive:

    What doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger.

    Great. Unless it wounds you so badly that you are never the same again.
    By the way: some are nice enough to credit or include the source of the quote; in case you needed to track it down.

    Just keep watching that mailbox. Patience, Grasshopper.

  2. Emon 25 Feb 2010 at 7:29 am

    I would never let anything or anyone come between me and my ninja swords…perhaps your seller has not shipped the ninja swords…perhaps he has been turned by a rival ninja? I would watch your back Listy…
    “Honesty makes up for so many mistakes.”
    – Sojourner Truth
    Peace, love…and many blessings!

  3. Peteon 25 Feb 2010 at 7:29 am

    At my office being told to have a “blessed day” is…ahem…an ethnic thing, I suppose. The rest of us know better–no invisible man in the sky is going to help us when those rival ninjas come calling.

  4. Jeffon 25 Feb 2010 at 10:10 am

    Hilarious!

    Jeff

    “Professionals built the Titanic, amateurs built the Ark.” – anon

  5. Anneon 25 Feb 2010 at 10:22 am

    I get a constant reminder of how I’m raping the earth.

    “Please think carefully before deciding to print this email” with a little green pine tree icon next to it.

  6. Jonathanon 25 Feb 2010 at 1:59 pm

    These are so asinine. I joke with my coworkers all the time that I’m going to add a quote to my signature in pretty purple script that says “What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing; you already told her twice.”

    PS: Ninjas are Japanese. Engage rage!

  7. Tommyon 25 Feb 2010 at 2:55 pm

    I’m sensing the need for a killing spree in this one.

  8. CDBon 25 Feb 2010 at 3:55 pm

    Jonathan, regular ninjas are Japanese, but super ninjas are Chinese: http://www.amazon.com/Chinese-Super-Ninjas-Cheng-Tien/dp/B000C0NY38/ref=pd_cp_d_1

  9. You Just Made My List!on 25 Feb 2010 at 4:30 pm

    YEAH! Super Ninjas!

  10. Kathyon 25 Feb 2010 at 7:04 pm

    I have them in my e-mail signature, but I go for sarcasm & humor vs inspiration.

    Current one: “Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery”

    Last one: Even the calendar, after Monday & Tuesday, says W T F.”

    One before that: “If ignorance is bliss, how come I’m not happier?”

  11. John Won 26 Feb 2010 at 9:57 am

    Donald Trump doesn’t “send” emails. He has people who do that for him.

  12. Jdon 06 May 2011 at 11:04 pm

    I have one. Amateur restaurant review shows.

    Not only here in San Francisco, proud home of Morris Mini drivers, we have an amateur restaurant review show called “Check Please” hosted by a very attractive woman whose guests all seem to have been programmed by North Korean intelligence officers who read too many American restaurant reviews.

    Back when Americans lived here, almost all restaurants served food which was good or good enough. Bad food sent you to the emergency room. Everything else was fine. We went out for a treat, not to hold PhD exams for waiters.

    This show features otherwise normal looking people who must practice saying what they learned from restaurant reviews. They scrutinize decor, live for wine pairings, eat teeny tiny morsels sold as part of sample menus, and know just way too much about local produce, sauces, and the biography of the cook. They say things like “amaaazing” ( read: good), “it was to die for” (really? Read: good) and “indifferent service” ( read: my waiter figured out Im an asshole).

    When did straight-talking individualistic Americans all become such silly shits?