Jul 14 2008

People who won’t shut the hell up in movie theaters!

Published by at 4:00 am under Jerks

WALL-E Hates You!

I hope there is a special place in hell for people who can’t keep their fat mouths shut at a movie theater.

I went to see “WALL-E” last night and as always the people sitting directly behind me would not shut up. Now, since the theater was packed with kids you may think I’m just an asshole who should expect kids to talk during a movie. Yes, I do expect KIDS to talk during a kid’s movie, in fact I think it’s hilarious and cute when a kid breaks the silence by saying something like “it’s raining on the robot” but these yapping idiots were at least 16 or 17 years old. By that age you should have a basic understanding of how society operates.

It’s not like they were discussing an Iraq exit strategy or the latest Terry Gross interview on “Fresh Air,” instead these dolts merely verbalized anything their tiny tiny brains were shitting out. Without exaggeration, here’s what the first 10 minutes of the movie sounded like. Please keep in mind there were no breaks between these comments, it was a nonstop barrage of crap.

“Oh, it’s starting – Pixar – look at that lamp – that lamp is sooooo cute – Pixar – that’s earth – look at all the garbage – that’s garbage – there’s WALL-E – he’s sooooo cute – he’s rolling on wheels – he’s sooooo cute – ew gross – oh my god – he’s really cute – look at his eyes – I know, they are sooooo cute – look at all the garbage – earth is soooo dirty – WALL-E has to clean up earth – yeah he’s gettin’ all the garbage – he just rolls around getting’ garbage – yep, on his wheels, he’s rolling on his wheels”


We turned around and shot them the “excuse me, I hate to bother you but could you please have a heart attack and die so we can hear the movie” look which did not work. Several more direct glances were ignored so finally we had to say “can you please be quiet?” If you have ever asked someone to be quiet in a theater you know what’s coming next. One dick wad turns to the other and says “what did they say” to which dick wad #1 replies sarcastically “I guess I’m not allowed to talk.” These dumb girls wanted to take it to the next level however and argued “we can talk if we want” to which we replied “no, no you can’t so shut up and stop talking.” Their next reply was possibly the most intelligent comeback I had ever heard and it really put us in our place. Dick wad #1 looked right into our eyes and said “why don’t YOU shut up and stop talking.” BRAVO! The hunter has become the hunted!

Listen butthole, you are not sitting at home in your trailer with a bag of Doritos on your belly watching “Mannequin” on your Betamax. Shut the fuck up or stay home.

(by the way, WALL-E ruled)

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6 comments so far

6 comments to “People who won’t shut the hell up in movie theaters!”

  1. Paul Q in St. Paulon 14 Jul 2008 at 10:15 pm

    Yes, for the most part, people who yap at movies are awful and I’ve always wished that they could be ushered into what the Minneapolis Children’s Theater calls a “crying room,” where adults and their squawling children can view the production from private room with a pane and speakers so as to not disturb the other patrons. HOWEVER, I can think of a few experiences when the chatter was greeted as a welcome distraction to the dreck on the screen. The running commentary from the girls behind us at the Harrison Ford/Michelle Pfeiffer Hitchcockian-attempt What Lies Beneath was so, so much better than the movie. Granted, they were much sharper than your Wall-E girls. And when Jenny and I saw Escape from L.A. at the Portage, the escalating violence inside the theater rivaled that onscreen. In sum, if you see absolute shit at the movies, talkers can really liven things up.

  2. […] I just read this post on youjustmademylist.com and thought of Mary. Of course, we too had two teenagers sitting behind us at the theatre, gabbing […]

  3. Creature of Habiton 15 Jul 2008 at 8:49 am

    A crying room….that’s so good.

    Those two sound wretched. I bet they admire Miley Cyrus. I feel physical harm is perfectly acceptable in this situation. If not, I would have no problem running to tell the theater management to come shut them up. Then I would possibly stick my tongue out at them, because that is language they would understand.

  4. You Just Made My List!on 16 Jul 2008 at 10:41 am

    Growing up our theater had a crying room, it was one of those big old school theaters that has now been segmented into about 30 rooms each with 4 seats. The problem with a crying today is people aren’t aware they are supposed to be polite and considerate of others so it would go unused. OR people like me could sit in the crying room and let all the jerks in the main room talk on their cell phones .

  5. AngrySaron 14 Nov 2008 at 3:24 pm

    Oh this annoys me so bad too. Plus, my mom USED to be one of those people who would leave her phone on while in the theatre “just in case” there was an emergency. **slaps forehead** Well, I finally got through to her enough to turn the thing off, thank gawd.

    You know what else sucks, sort of related to this? When people talk to you when you’re on your lunch break. Personally, there’s a reason I pick the most unfrequented break room to eat lunch. I do two things on my break… eat lunch & read, so chances are I’m either a/eating, b/reading or c/eating while reading. Neither are real condusive to carrying on a conversation. My mouth is full & my mind is occupied. Go away!!! Can’t I just talk to you the other 8 hours I’m forced to be in your presence? (Yeah you can tell I don’t like my coworkers too much… lol)

    Another thing is when you’re at the dentist, with your mouth full of toothpaste, utensils or gauze, and they always, always have to ask you questions you can’t nod or shake your head to. Duh!!

  6. JulieJulieJulieon 01 May 2010 at 4:26 pm

    I used to be a regular contributor to the “Rant!” column in our City Paper here. One of my rants was about people talking in the movie theatre. Here in Pgh., where the median age is about 75, the old people are the worst. Their discussions of their grandchildren, brother’s hip replacement surgery, ad nauseum.

    There’s a movie theatre in DC, it’s the one at Union Station, is notorious for people talking during the movie. If you needed entertainment – besides what was on the screen – this was the place to go to. Drinking alcohol before and during the movie was, however, not required, but highly recommended.