Mar 29 2010

People who park like fucking asshole motherfucker cocksuckers!

Published by at 3:23 am under Jerks

bad parking asshole

Thank God you protected your 1997 Dodge Neon from possible dings by parking in five spots. I wish your parents aborted you.

These assholes should be sterilized. The sterilization process should consist of their shitty car being shoved up their penis until it explodes. I honestly want these people to die. Seriously, I want all people who park in two spaces in some pathetic attempt to protect their shitty car to die. Actual death. DIE!

I just realized there  is not much more to say about this subject and now I’m panicking because everyone is going to be like, “Listy, you suck. You’re off your game.” So let me say this, fuck off. Sometimes I just need to complain and not be funny. Also, I’m in a very good mood thanks to many beers and it’s hard to complain when you are feeling jolly. So don’t bother telling me I suck, I already know.

So, to sum it up, people who park in two parking spots should be murdered.

Also, this is the greatest thing I have ever seen. If you disagree, please stop visiting my website.

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31 comments so far

31 comments to “People who park like fucking asshole motherfucker cocksuckers!”

  1. Andraon 29 Mar 2010 at 5:50 am


  2. Peteon 29 Mar 2010 at 6:36 am

    I for a few moments to think of something witty and clever to say about that flamenco band–but within seconds I was under their spell and helpless to come up with anything disparaging about them. I want to be a professional flamenco clapper.

  3. 8bitheroon 29 Mar 2010 at 7:47 am

    It’s even worse here in DC where there is already a shortage of parking but every other person drives a Jaguar and wants to use as much space as possible to overprotect their overpriced penis replacement.

  4. AlexandraJadeon 29 Mar 2010 at 7:56 am

    Too true though, me and my friend always complain about this.
    Like ‘Seriously mate, your car isn’t that amazing’.

  5. Scotty Ton 29 Mar 2010 at 10:07 am

    You can’t park your car ANYWHERE in Downtown Jacksonville without paying someone something. It’s almost worth it; no one double parks.

  6. SanFranon 29 Mar 2010 at 10:46 am

    I think people who claim “first” should be murdered.

    Seriously, who does that? Probably the same people who park in multiple spaces.

  7. 8bitheroon 29 Mar 2010 at 11:00 am

    Without First-ers, we wouldn’t know who to kill when “the time” comes.

  8. Paul in Saint Paulon 29 Mar 2010 at 11:36 am

    Are Los Amaya consistently this amazing? Please note the hip swinging while demonstrating guitar mastery.

    Also, you carry keys don’t you? You can write your comments on the offensive parker’s doors or hood.

  9. AlexandraJadeon 29 Mar 2010 at 12:10 pm

    Yeah people who are like ‘first’, why??!
    That should be on your list, listy.

  10. Jayon 29 Mar 2010 at 12:40 pm

    Thankfully it’s been awhile since I’ve seen anyone take up multiple spots here. I can’t believe these people don’t get keyed daily. Los Amaya had it goin’ on, I dig their beatnik style.

  11. Saraon 29 Mar 2010 at 1:09 pm

    I fucking hate lazy people who park in the fire lane when there is an open parking spots 5 yards from the store. This happens alot at my grocery/booze/movie complex which I go to alot (the only three stores I need to sustain)

    There was an actual fire at the local shear *insert barber joke here* parlor recently, the other day the fire trucks came back to check on things and with some sweet voiced pleading I got them to park in a couple of the bastards! HA TRAPPED LIKE FLYS. next time park when you want to wait in line for the ATM FOOL!

  12. Andraon 29 Mar 2010 at 1:12 pm

    I was kind of hoping my “first” would inspire a rage induced post, since that has been on my list for a long time 🙂

  13. SanFranon 29 Mar 2010 at 2:19 pm

    Andra: nice recovery attempt.

    don’t let it happen again, m’kay? (speaking on behalf of Listy, who is currently under my desk)

  14. Jonathanon 29 Mar 2010 at 2:34 pm

    I live in Southwest Connecticut, home to some of the richest and douchiest people in America, so yeah, I’ve seen plenty of shitty parking jobs in attempts to protect their fucking moneymobiles. I also see plenty of Jersey Shore-type assholes double-parking their 1997 Accord to keep the plastic accessories they hot-glued onto the sides from getting scratched.

    Oh yeah – EVERY FUCKING TIME I go to Costco, there are people parked in the fire lanes. Is it really that difficult to park twenty feet farther away and leviathan your Jabba-sized ass to the store? I guess so, but maybe Costco sells 20 packs of oxygen for your lazy ass.

  15. Andraon 29 Mar 2010 at 2:36 pm

    Thanks for your understanding SanFran, I won’t try to be funny again, as you can see I fail miserably every time. Maybe you can give me some pointers.

  16. SanFranon 29 Mar 2010 at 3:11 pm


    No problem.

    As far as measuring ‘funny’, I’m afraid I can’t be of help, because I’m too busy using all my available funny here, and elsewhere. I’m paid very well by Listy to provide him content, and use the money to pay him to suck me off. It’s a vicious cycle, sure – but he’s got an addictive personality.

    Feel free to course-correct here, Listy, but your silence is deafening.

  17. You Just Made My List!on 29 Mar 2010 at 3:47 pm

    Why is everyone always raping me?

  18. SuperSluton 29 Mar 2010 at 4:05 pm

    Listy, thank you thank you for the lovely little video. Caramelos caramelos caramelos…i will be singing this all day. I especially liked the two “back up clappers”. This is HIGH comedy! 😉

  19. SuperSluton 29 Mar 2010 at 4:05 pm

    Oh, and Listy, I will never rape you. Verbally or otherwise.

  20. You Just Made My List!on 29 Mar 2010 at 4:23 pm

    Slut – Obviously there is some humor in that clip BUT I also think it’s mostly fucking awesome in every way!

  21. Annaon 29 Mar 2010 at 6:18 pm

    You know who I hate more than people who park in two spaces? People (mostly Moms with obnoxious kids) who ding the door of my nice car with their shit boxes. While I think it’s douche-y to take up two spaces, I think it’s more douche-y to shamelessly ding someone’s car that they worked hard to pay for.

    Jonathan – Have you ever been to the Jersey Shore or do you get all your “culture” from MTV? The Jersey Shore is more than just Seaside Heights. By the way, those Jersey Shore types you are referring to aren’t even from the Shore or NJ.

  22. Tommyon 30 Mar 2010 at 11:12 am

    Hey Lister,
    I agree that Los Amaya was the tits but it seems that the greatest thing you have ever seen involved a percussionist…I mean what else would you call the guy on the bongos.

  23. Jonathanon 30 Mar 2010 at 11:21 am

    Anna: Yes, I do get all of my “culture” from MTV. I dress exactly like Spencer Pratt while Pimping My Ride in my Cribz. I believe that Beyonce is Christ reincarnated and the sun rises and sets in Lady Gaga’s ass.

    Yes, I realize I’m stereotyping Jersey Shore people, but don’t worry; I hate the rest of Jersey too! Bergen County sucks, Newark sucks, endless malls suck, and let’s not forget that delicious Jersey smell!

    And yes, I realize that not all Jerseyites are like those idiots. Most people in Jersey are worse.

  24. You Just Made My List!on 30 Mar 2010 at 12:14 pm

    Tommy – I would call him a bongo player. A “percussionist” is normally surrounded by drums and chimes and bullshit.

  25. Moon 30 Mar 2010 at 12:40 pm

    I want to copy this post and put in on the window of cars that park like this. I can’t stand those douchebags!!!!

  26. Annaon 30 Mar 2010 at 1:40 pm

    Jonathan – Don’t you think you’re aiming a bit high with Spencer Pratt? Besides, I peg you for more of a Kurt Loder type. And, you aren’t fooling anyone by mentioning Beyonce and Lady Gaga. You and I both know that you rub one out every night to John Mayer and twice on Sundays to Michael Buble. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that you took your cock out of Adam Lambert’s mouth long enough to reply.

    But, seriously…Guidos, malls, the smell, etc.. That’s the best you can do? Those ridiculous stereotypes aka weak-ass jokes have been around for years. For Christ sakes be original or at the very least, be funny. What do you have for me next? Maybe a Fuhgeddaboudit or some one-liner Soprano ripoff.

    Now that we have established that you know nothing about New Jersey, let’s talk about something you do know about…Southwest Connecticut. You said, “it’s home to some of the richest and douchiest people in America.” I couldn’t have said it better!

    So, while you are reaching for the keys of your Mom’s used Volvo and fastening the last button on your salmon-colored Lacoste polo, maybe you can also think about the one NJ stereotype that is true…We think loud mouths from Connecticut are assholes.

  27. Jonathanon 01 Apr 2010 at 8:44 am

    Dear Anna,

    Kurt Loder can die. I’m a John Norris man. And by that I mean, I’d like to be John Norris’ man. Anyone who watches MTVizzle (that’s what we call it) knows that Michael Buble and John Mayer are way too soft. We’re all about harder bands like Nickelback and Silverchair now! And yes, by harder I mean their cocks.

    By the way, I’m writing this email on my iPad while I travel around the world on my dad’s 62-foot powerboat, complete with a polo field, Ed Hardy store and Bentley dealership.

    Oh wait, I’m not FROM Connecticut, I just live here for the time being. In fact, I’m a loudmouth from the greatest state in the history of the Earth – NEW FUCKING YORK, or as you may know it, the Promised Land to which all Jerseyites hope to one day escape.

    As for the Jersey stereotypes, we still use them because they’re all true! I’d throw some new insults out there, but I’m not sure the greasy-haired, Axe-smelling goumbahs of Jersey would understand them. Now get back on that lovely Jersey Turnpike and head to one of your 5 billion horrible diners!

  28. Annaon 03 Apr 2010 at 5:28 pm

    Jonathan, Jonathan, Jonathan (even your name is gay)

    You disappointed me. I thought you were better this? We get it…you’re gay. But, c’mon! Nickleback? Classically, unoriginal. If I asked my 68 year-old Mom who the gayest band around is, guess what her answer would be? That’s right, Nickleback. Had you said Bon Jovi or Winger, I might have chuckled. But, you didn’t.

    No one thought you were rich. Did you even read my post? I said, “your Mom’s used Volvo” and “your salmon-colored Lacoste polo.” A used Volvo is like your Mom’s vagina, it’s ready to give-out at any moment. And, everyone knows that the salmon-colored Lacoste polos are always on the clearance rack because light pink is their best seller. If you didn’t want to play along, why did you even bother to respond?

    Now, let me ask you a question. Did you finish grade school or have you ever owned a map? You keep talking about Bergen County, the Turnpike, and “goumbahs.” Do you know where these places and people are located? I’ll give you a hint…NOT at the Jersey Shore. Those things are all a stone’s throw from your precious NYC.

    By the way, I lived in NYC for a few years. While you were rockin’ in a 10 X 10 studio in the Bronx, I was kickin’ it on the UES (88th & 2nd). That’s right bitch, five blocks from the park. My brother still sublets the place. So, why don’t you hop on the 5/6 train and come down for a visit. I’ll give you the kick in the balls you deserve for writing that lame-ass post.

    While we’re talking about NYC, you’ve got some (small) balls to talk about the smell of NJ. I’ve spent many summers riding the subway in that shit town of yours. There is nothing that smells worse than urine-stained subway walls and bums in 90 degree heat. Mix-in some manhole steam and a few hundred hot dog carts and you have the recipe for nausea-induced vomiting.

    Now, I am going to give you once last chance to be funny. Take your time and brush-up on your skills. I’m a patient girl. Whatever you do, don’t come back with that same shit. You couldn’t even get a job writing jokes for Fred Travalena with that crap. And, since I am nice, I will even give you some advice. Stop watching Adam Sandler movies, grab a brick of that cheese, and watch this…

  29. You Just Made My List!on 03 Apr 2010 at 6:52 pm

    Is it wrong that watching you two fight is giving me a boner?

  30. Annaon 05 Apr 2010 at 7:13 am

    Great. How is Jonathan suppose to concentrate on being funny when all he can think about is your boner?

  31. Jonathanon 05 Apr 2010 at 12:47 pm

    First off, I’m proud to have given Listy a boner! And yes, I’m typing this with one hand.

    You’re right, Bon Jovi is MUCH gayer, just like the rest of Jersey. I mentioned bad bands to be ironic. And it’s Nickelback, not Nickleback. Who didn’t finish grade school? And who calls it grade school? I guess people who still resort to Mom jokes. In your defense, let’s blame it on all the hairspray and swamp water you ingested in the womb.

    Upper East Side? Please. While you and the other skanks were playing “Sex in the City” (I bet you were Samantha, only waaay easier), serving up lattes, and walking your boss’s labradoodle, I was keeping it real in Brooklyn – and not the hipsterfied bullshit places like Williamsburg – but real Brooklyn – Coney Island and Sheepshead Bay.

    Of course you would bring Bon Jovi into the conversation, seeing as he and Bruce Springsteen are worshiped as gods in New Jersey. Which is just sad. Sadder than Chris Christie’s jowls.

    The reason I’m not familiar with the rest of Jersey is that by the time I reach the beautiful smokestacks of Elizabeth, I’m vomiting and blinded by the toxic fumes and have to turn back! Or stop at a rest area to “earn” some more toll money. (The Turnpike and the Parkway aren’t only “a stone’s throw” from NYC; they run the whole length of New Jersey so that people from all corners of the state can get the hell out.)

    Wow…I guess I’m way meaner than I am funny. Plus it’s hard to make fun of something so inherently ridiculous. And by that I mean you.

    PS: Jones Beach or the Hamptons > the Jersey Shore any day of the week.