Apr 08 2010

Soul patches & chin beards!

Published by at 3:33 am under Jerks

soul patch chin beard

What is it about highly decorative facial hair that hypnotizes douchebags like a moth to a flame?

Walking around with a soul patch or a god-awful chin beard is like announcing to the world “I grew a pussy on my face because that’s the only way I will ever get near one.”

While the soul patch and chin beard are equally horrifying, they tend to attach themselves to an entirely different group of tools. Your average chin beard can usually be found sprouting from the unwashed face of most species of white trash, including suburban metal heads, guys who work as bouncers at suburban metal clubs, guys who weld metal by day and play in metal bands by night and guys who pretend to be UFC fighters while listening to metal in their bedrooms. If you really want to take your chin pubes to the next pathetic level just ask your little sister or your mom to dye and/or braid your little face forest (see Alice in Chains, Korn, Anthrax, et al.)

The soul patch is more elusive and difficult to nail down. Tiny lip pussies can be found on middle class beach hippies, jazzbos, ultimate frisbee enthusiasts and old white guys in blues bands. It’s a regular United Nations of douchery. The chin beard sends a “I’m not playing by your rules” message but a soul patch meekly whispers “I’m playing by most of your rules.”

In both cases everyone loses.

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41 comments so far

41 comments to “Soul patches & chin beards!”

  1. Kathyon 08 Apr 2010 at 6:30 am

    The orthopedic surgeon (30-something) where I work has an “I’m so kewl” soul patch. But then, it’s not surprising considering he also wears his loafers with no socks.

  2. Jim Joneson 08 Apr 2010 at 7:16 am

    My little bitch at work has a glorious chin beard. So far it’s about 7-8″ in length. Our boss, who is a 63 year old man, asked him if he was suppose to be a hippie. Our nickname for the douche is now “hippie!” We were all hoping that this constant ridicule would make him shave the shit and clean up, but it hasn’t. He is also in a band and has the inspiration to be a rock star, but their band just has the makings of a bar band.

  3. Saraon 08 Apr 2010 at 7:59 am

    “are you suposed to be a hippie? ”
    like its a porely pulled off halloween costume.
    Where does Brad Pitt fall into this? Whats up with that bush? Are those troll beads? Why are troll beads so expensive when they’re just the same plastic beads we used in summer camp crafts?

  4. You Just Made My List!on 08 Apr 2010 at 8:06 am

    Kathy – Gross and grosser.

    Jim – Gross.

    Sara – Brad Pitt likes to pretend to be a dirty biker but I think he’s just dirty.

  5. A Fanon 08 Apr 2010 at 8:13 am

    Sadly, I sported the chin beard in college. Even dyed it blonde once or twice. I have failed you.

    I did cut it off when I wanted to get a serious job.

    Some ladies loved to play with it, braid it, etc., but I didn’t get laid for about 3 years straight.

  6. You Just Made My List!on 08 Apr 2010 at 8:25 am

    A Fan – Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. I am proud of you.

  7. rachelon 08 Apr 2010 at 9:18 am

    barf. barf. barf. i’ll take a line beard over the chin beard any day.

  8. JulieJulieJulieon 08 Apr 2010 at 9:25 am

    I always thought that was called a “flavor saver” – and if you can’t figure out why, then I’m not going to explain it to you.

  9. Saraon 08 Apr 2010 at 9:56 am

    I like the line beard on the real fat guys….look I’ll draw a line where my first chin should be…yea total illusion

    for no reason at all I found this picture while trying to find a pic (preferably of Kevin Smith) illustrating the line beard chin. But I found this AWESOME hat instead

  10. SanFranon 08 Apr 2010 at 11:16 am

    Fuck that shit.

    I have had a goatee and a full beard at a few different junctures in my life – but I’m done with that… For now anyhow. My uncle used to ask me “what are you hiding from?” and I didn’t understand at the time – but I think I kinda do now.

    I grew the full beard while on a 1-year drive in a vintage VW around the perimeter of the USA – I needed it to keep warm, as my car was missing a window and had no heat – and access to running water was infrequent… but the best part, I find that people tend not to fuck with you when you have a beard – maybe it’s because it masks the subtleties of emotion in ones’ facial expressions?

    Either way – the Soul Patch is irritating, and I find your observations correct, Listy… and the Chin Beard – well, a know a few dudes with one and they are the gentlest of gentlemen… One has it because his daughter likes it, and for no other reason… Kinda like hanging fuzzy dice from the rearview – it’s for the kids.

  11. You Just Made My List!on 08 Apr 2010 at 11:36 am

    SanFran – Beards are fine but I am not sold on the chin or lip variety.


  12. Jayon 08 Apr 2010 at 12:37 pm

    Scott Ian’s chin beard is beyond heinous, what an idiot.

    Have you already covered tribal piercings and tattoos? Even more horrible than chin beards and permanent to boot.

  13. Erinon 08 Apr 2010 at 2:32 pm

    Regular Beards are handsome and very masculine… I like them very much… the other ones are just unattractive. Women who seem to like men who sport those things are usually bimbo’s without good taste in men.

  14. Tommyon 08 Apr 2010 at 2:47 pm

    There’s a reason we have 5 or 6 blades on our razors now. To keep this kind of thing from ever occurring.

  15. Alessaon 08 Apr 2010 at 3:39 pm

    My dad used to have one of those. My mom said she left him because he was an irresponsible douchebag, but I know his chin beard was the real reason!

  16. Yours Trulyon 08 Apr 2010 at 4:59 pm

    A friend of mine had a soul patch when he was sixteen. Nobody told him that he looked like a retard, though, because he was also taking steroids at the time. Things changed when he was seventeen and developed gynecomastia (look it up). Then everybody told him he looked like a retard.

  17. Adion 09 Apr 2010 at 4:47 pm

    Has anyone ever noticed that people who you’d never want to fight never have facial hair like this? People with soul patches always look like they should be doing yoga or hiring a feng shui person to shuffle their shitty furniture around their house. As for the chin beards they’re usually to cover up for having a weak chin, and everyone knows that all righteous badasses don’t have weak chins.

  18. SuperSluton 10 Apr 2010 at 9:15 pm

    Erin- I suppose you like chest hair, too?

    Eww Ewww and Ewww to ALL facial hair. And fuck those ironic pornstar and handlebar variety staches that are sprouting up on hipster faces everywhere! NO! NO! NO!

  19. Scotty Ton 12 Apr 2010 at 1:22 pm

    Tom Waits is the only one who will ever pull the scrote-patch off… and even then it’s semi-gay

  20. You Just Made My List!on 12 Apr 2010 at 9:15 pm

    Scotty – Yeah, I guess he can kind of pull it off. Kind of.

  21. […] like its cousins, the line beard and the soul patch, the overly trimmed beard makes me feel uneasy. There’s just something about them that says […]

  22. Valmon Anthonyon 04 Dec 2010 at 11:58 am

    What a bunch of judgmental jerkoffs !

  23. You Just Made My List!on 04 Dec 2010 at 12:07 pm

    Awwwwww, sounds like somebody has a chin beard. It’s not our fault you look like a tool.

  24. GDon 14 Dec 2010 at 1:17 pm

    I can pull off a soul patch without looking like a faggot or a douche.

    But my question is why are you going after soul patches/chin beards when you could be going after the douchiest beard around – the pencil-thin douchebag line beard.

  25. You Just Made My List!on 14 Dec 2010 at 5:42 pm

    GD – http://www.youjustmademylist.com/?p=496

  26. JacksonBon 05 Jan 2011 at 5:23 pm

    You don’t the beards, OK, everyone has their own taste. But why do you guys have to mock and ridicule? Seems like you are unsure of yourselves or have low self esteem. A normal person would think “I don’t like that” and move on. If you obsess about someone’s look, either you secretly like it but feel uneasy about expressing your interest, or else you have those self esteem issues. I don’t get your level of anoyance. I don’t have a soul patch, but some guys can pull them off. I have a full beard by the way, because men naturally grow facial hair. I’ve never had a real woman show any disgust for it. Usually the girls who hate facial hair obsessively are the ones who are frigid and uncomfortable with their own bodies- witness “douche” as an insult. Hate your own vagina?!

  27. You Just Made My List!on 05 Jan 2011 at 5:27 pm

    JacksonB – Actually the opposite is true, I am very sure of myself. In fact, I know I fucking rule. It’s not my fault most people hate chin beards and soul patches. What are you worrying about, you have a normal beard. Go relax with your beard and stop criticizing my vagina.

  28. Steveon 06 Jan 2011 at 3:26 pm

    Oh no! Guys are trying to look like guys instead of pussified metrosexual flakes. Deal with it. This article reads as if it was written by some woman with a subscription to Us Weekly or a “male” that shops at Ambercrombe and Finch (if you get my drift). Men grow hair on their face. Deal with it.

    Let’s see an article written about trashy females that wear those hideous fake fingernails, shave then redraw their eyebrows, wear perfume, or extend their lipstick over the edge of the lip under the belief it will make their lips look fuller (as if any guy would want to kiss trout tips). Oh, what’s that? Those fugly design choices haven’t been condemned yet by In Touch magazine?

  29. You Just Made My List!on 06 Jan 2011 at 6:10 pm

    Steve – Men grow stubble or full-blown beards. There is nothing manly about a neatly groomed, dyed and/or braided chin beard. Do you think you would see Sinatra, John Wayne or Johnny Cash walking around with a fucking pink chin beard? Don’t worry, this “article” was written by someone who is all man baby!

    For future reference…




  30. Steveon 06 Jan 2011 at 7:17 pm

    I guess I owe you an apology for not hating on some of the ugly things women and metros do. So, I apologize for jumping down your throat. But that said, good grief! You just hate everything don’t you? 🙂 That’s hilarious that you already have one on those hideously reptilian fingernail and you upped the ante by finding ones with pictures on them. Double puke. Long nails on a woman are a huge turn off for me.

    As for this topic I still think you need to lighten up. Yea, the pink color is over-the-top but celebrities aren’t known for good judgment. If it was a normal color it would look just fine. As for the soul patch, the guy looks like a perfectly normal guy in that pic. I never did the soul patch thing, but I don’t see all the hate for them either. They’re so small they’re hardly noticeable. Douche is all in the attitude.

  31. You Just Made My List!on 06 Jan 2011 at 7:47 pm

    If I didn’t hate everything what would I write about? It’s not my fault the world is a steaming pile of donkey vomit.

  32. Chadon 20 May 2011 at 6:21 am

    Why do you care so much? Your words make you seem self righteous and boorish. Perhaps you could kill yourself and be rid of being among we with odd facial hair.

  33. Chinnyon 07 Feb 2012 at 3:41 pm

    I just shaved my face because you said you didn’t like my beard. Now am I cool?

  34. You Just Made My List!on 08 Feb 2012 at 1:52 pm

    Probably not.

  35. Allenon 25 Mar 2012 at 5:16 pm

    I don’t give a sh*t if someone doesn’t like my facial hair, especially if it’s some bitchy old lady on the interenet (which is exactly what you sound like). I have a soul patch chinbeard and sideburns. Why you may ask? Not because I feel the need to look like a “douchebag”. alas I grow facial hair too scarcely to be able to grow a full beard.

  36. You Just Made My List!on 25 Mar 2012 at 5:24 pm

    Allen – I’m going to nominate your comment for the Saddest Comment Ever Award (the “Saddies”)

  37. chrison 26 Mar 2012 at 11:04 am

    I think the ragging bitch is jealous her beard looks like crap. If you hate body hair so much then go shave your vagina get laid or something! WOW you have to be the most shallow hateful bitch on the internet! You come back two years later to talk trash about mens facial hair! LOL ! GET A LIFE DING BAT!!

  38. You Just Made My List!on 26 Mar 2012 at 2:33 pm

    Wow, Chris and Allen took time off from their busy schedule of shaping their “beards” and masturbating to the Home Shopping Network to team up against me. I was OK when you called me “bitch” and I was dealing with your accusation that I was “shallow” but I’ll be GOD DAMNED if I will allow you to call me “Ding Bat!”

    How dare you use such strong language against a fellow human, you POO POO FACE!

  39. chon 15 Jan 2013 at 3:27 am

    As somebody with the facial hair of a Civil War general, I’ve had very little issue getting laid (and with females who by and large have been intelligent and attractive), but I suppose I don’t have the type of facial hair you’re talking shit about here. I’m not really a fan of the facial hair styles you’ve mentioned (or more accurately, I think the people who fit the stereotypes you’re referencing are pretty annoying), but my fiancee likes to braid my beard sometimes, just for a bit of silly fun, and I don’t totally hate it. Oh well.

  40. chon 15 Jan 2013 at 3:33 am

    Oh, but not like Gen. Ambrose Burnside. I hate sideburns. It’s more of a Van Dyke configuration, like Wilhelm Maybach, kinda. Not at all a chinbeard. Not that it matters, I’m just commenting on a three year old post, drunk and very bored, at 4 in the morning.

  41. Smithon 19 Apr 2014 at 4:09 pm

    Funny, with a slender overall beard thing, the low-maintenance soul patch intrigues, yet it struck me as a kind of pussy-on-the-chin. I google that and lo, I have this site. Folks, should I shear the rest, leaving said soul patch/pussy-on-the-chin, to intrigue, attract, repulse? Vox populi.