Apr 08 2010
Soul patches & chin beards!
What is it about highly decorative facial hair that hypnotizes douchebags like a moth to a flame?
Walking around with a soul patch or a god-awful chin beard is like announcing to the world “I grew a pussy on my face because that’s the only way I will ever get near one.”
While the soul patch and chin beard are equally horrifying, they tend to attach themselves to an entirely different group of tools. Your average chin beard can usually be found sprouting from the unwashed face of most species of white trash, including suburban metal heads, guys who work as bouncers at suburban metal clubs, guys who weld metal by day and play in metal bands by night and guys who pretend to be UFC fighters while listening to metal in their bedrooms. If you really want to take your chin pubes to the next pathetic level just ask your little sister or your mom to dye and/or braid your little face forest (see Alice in Chains, Korn, Anthrax, et al.)
The soul patch is more elusive and difficult to nail down. Tiny lip pussies can be found on middle class beach hippies, jazzbos, ultimate frisbee enthusiasts and old white guys in blues bands. It’s a regular United Nations of douchery. The chin beard sends a “I’m not playing by your rules” message but a soul patch meekly whispers “I’m playing by most of your rules.”
In both cases everyone loses.
The orthopedic surgeon (30-something) where I work has an “I’m so kewl” soul patch. But then, it’s not surprising considering he also wears his loafers with no socks.
My little bitch at work has a glorious chin beard. So far it’s about 7-8″ in length. Our boss, who is a 63 year old man, asked him if he was suppose to be a hippie. Our nickname for the douche is now “hippie!” We were all hoping that this constant ridicule would make him shave the shit and clean up, but it hasn’t. He is also in a band and has the inspiration to be a rock star, but their band just has the makings of a bar band.
“are you suposed to be a hippie? ”
like its a porely pulled off halloween costume.
Where does Brad Pitt fall into this? Whats up with that bush? Are those troll beads? Why are troll beads so expensive when they’re just the same plastic beads we used in summer camp crafts?
Kathy – Gross and grosser.
Jim – Gross.
Sara – Brad Pitt likes to pretend to be a dirty biker but I think he’s just dirty.
Sadly, I sported the chin beard in college. Even dyed it blonde once or twice. I have failed you.
I did cut it off when I wanted to get a serious job.
Some ladies loved to play with it, braid it, etc., but I didn’t get laid for about 3 years straight.
A Fan – Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. I am proud of you.
barf. barf. barf. i’ll take a line beard over the chin beard any day.
I always thought that was called a “flavor saver” – and if you can’t figure out why, then I’m not going to explain it to you.
I like the line beard on the real fat guys….look I’ll draw a line where my first chin should be…yea total illusion
for no reason at all I found this picture while trying to find a pic (preferably of Kevin Smith) illustrating the line beard chin. But I found this AWESOME hat instead
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_xQBCml7iMkA/SaSR0HnPDpI/AAAAAAAADpM/5CrYwywL2mM/s400/beardheadbrown.jpg
Fuck that shit.
I have had a goatee and a full beard at a few different junctures in my life – but I’m done with that… For now anyhow. My uncle used to ask me “what are you hiding from?” and I didn’t understand at the time – but I think I kinda do now.
I grew the full beard while on a 1-year drive in a vintage VW around the perimeter of the USA – I needed it to keep warm, as my car was missing a window and had no heat – and access to running water was infrequent… but the best part, I find that people tend not to fuck with you when you have a beard – maybe it’s because it masks the subtleties of emotion in ones’ facial expressions?
Either way – the Soul Patch is irritating, and I find your observations correct, Listy… and the Chin Beard – well, a know a few dudes with one and they are the gentlest of gentlemen… One has it because his daughter likes it, and for no other reason… Kinda like hanging fuzzy dice from the rearview – it’s for the kids.
SanFran – Beards are fine but I am not sold on the chin or lip variety.
MY OPINIONS ARE FLAWLESS!
Scott Ian’s chin beard is beyond heinous, what an idiot.
Have you already covered tribal piercings and tattoos? Even more horrible than chin beards and permanent to boot.
Regular Beards are handsome and very masculine… I like them very much… the other ones are just unattractive. Women who seem to like men who sport those things are usually bimbo’s without good taste in men.
There’s a reason we have 5 or 6 blades on our razors now. To keep this kind of thing from ever occurring.
My dad used to have one of those. My mom said she left him because he was an irresponsible douchebag, but I know his chin beard was the real reason!
A friend of mine had a soul patch when he was sixteen. Nobody told him that he looked like a retard, though, because he was also taking steroids at the time. Things changed when he was seventeen and developed gynecomastia (look it up). Then everybody told him he looked like a retard.
Has anyone ever noticed that people who you’d never want to fight never have facial hair like this? People with soul patches always look like they should be doing yoga or hiring a feng shui person to shuffle their shitty furniture around their house. As for the chin beards they’re usually to cover up for having a weak chin, and everyone knows that all righteous badasses don’t have weak chins.
Erin- I suppose you like chest hair, too?
Eww Ewww and Ewww to ALL facial hair. And fuck those ironic pornstar and handlebar variety staches that are sprouting up on hipster faces everywhere! NO! NO! NO!
Tom Waits is the only one who will ever pull the scrote-patch off… and even then it’s semi-gay
Scotty – Yeah, I guess he can kind of pull it off. Kind of.
[...] like its cousins, the line beard and the soul patch, the overly trimmed beard makes me feel uneasy. There’s just something about them that says [...]