Apr 12 2010

Hipsters, their cut-off jeans, their track bikes, their beards and their body odor!

Published by at 3:42 am under Jerks

anatomy of a hipster douchebag

Want to know what every hipster in Chicago looks like? I mean do you want to know EXACTLY what EVERY hipster in Chicago looks like? Then simply gaze upon this cookie-cutter douchebag. You will have to imagine the body odor but just think of what it might smell like if a dog barfed onions all over a homeless man’s pubes on a 95-degree day.

Look, I get it, people like to be around other people with similar interests but does everyone have to be wrapped in the exact same uniform? Especially when your clique is supposed to be all about individualism and counter-culture blah blah blah.

It used to be that all the “cool” people played in bands but for some reason, in the blink of an eye, everyone ditched their guitars and started pretending to be “Dave” from Breaking Away. I miss the days when hipsters pretended to be working-class British factory workers!

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44 comments so far

44 comments to “Hipsters, their cut-off jeans, their track bikes, their beards and their body odor!”

  1. Jim Joneson 12 Apr 2010 at 5:17 am

    This is eerily similar to the “hippie” that works for me (mentioned in the chin pube post)

  2. Jeffon 12 Apr 2010 at 5:59 am

    It’s not hippie – it’s Urban Woodsman.

    Read about it here – if you dare…


  3. Jim Joneson 12 Apr 2010 at 6:17 am

    Thats scary as hell

  4. Yours Trulyon 12 Apr 2010 at 7:38 am

    Hey, I think I went to high school with that guy.

  5. You Just Made My List!on 12 Apr 2010 at 8:23 am

    Jeff – That’s hilarious.

  6. calebon 12 Apr 2010 at 8:42 am

    that’s every hipster in Minneapolis also. you can’t throw a rock in my neighborhood without hitting a beard and/or a fixed gear bike.

  7. You Just Made My List!on 12 Apr 2010 at 8:45 am

    Caleb – I’m going to try out your rock throwing theory. It sounds fun!

  8. Fredon 12 Apr 2010 at 9:12 am

    Nailed another one, Listy. Although, I’m not sure if they are as annoying as the Lance Armstrong wannabees who race down the lake front bike paths on a crowded weekend afternoon screaming and running down pedestrians.

  9. Saraon 12 Apr 2010 at 9:43 am

    My uncle is in to this shit. although he kind of blends in cause he lives out in Washington where there realy are lumberjacks.

    When my grandfather (an honest huntin’, cussin’, drinkin’, steel workin’ man) died my uncle totally raided his closet. He actualy wears the orange hunting vest sometimes.

  10. SanFranon 12 Apr 2010 at 10:54 am

    Listy – you’ve pretty much got it right here… I think the only modification for the San Francisco brand of Hipster is full-length impossibly-skinny jeans, which in my eye, makes them look a bit like a golf tee.

    Even the homeless / psychotics on the street don’t seem to get them – I’ve seen some pretty funny reactions and exchanges between them and the Hipsters.

    I have some questions:

    I assume, like everywhere, your Hipsters (fuck I hate that word… it’s like “foodie”) I presume are fucking retarded and have no apparent ability to think. Is this true in Chicago?

    What happens to hipsters when they get “old”, like 40?

    Do you find 30-something hipsters to be more annoying than adolescent and 20-somethings? I do – because they have a greater ability to be smug about their numerous failings.

  11. Jonathanon 12 Apr 2010 at 11:36 am

    Ugh…they’ve already destroyed vast swaths of Brooklyn, and are now infecting Queens as well! I don’t know who I hate more: hipsters or Wall Street/trust fund babies with their khakis and blue shirts who still think they’re in college!

  12. ffafon 12 Apr 2010 at 11:36 am

    Agreed with Caleb. Where do you live Whittier Neighborhood, Seward, Northeast MPLS? I love this city, but god we have a lot of smelly folks.

  13. fredon 12 Apr 2010 at 11:36 am

    Sorry to double-comment today. A friend of mine recently found the following message scrawled inside a book he borrowed from the Seattle Public Library:

    “Dear Fixie Clowns,
    How is it that you manage to turn a good thing (bikes) into new forms of jackassery? For all of your cut and paste anti-capitalism fashion the stink of your empty elitism and cut throat competition rots everything you touch.”

    That’s some old school, pre-interwebs style blogging. I wish I could attach the photo.

  14. calebon 12 Apr 2010 at 1:09 pm

    @ffaf – I used to live in Whittier, now i live at Lyn/Lake. it’s like a big hive of hipster dufuses over here. we just have to find the queen and exterminate her.

  15. Jayon 12 Apr 2010 at 1:10 pm

    Luckily the Urban Woodsman hipster doesn’t thrive in Los Angeles. Seen plenty of them in San Francisco and Portland though.

  16. Adion 12 Apr 2010 at 1:38 pm

    Yeah i’m going to have to concur with jeff on this one. They look more like unemployed lumberjacks than anything else. It’s like a congealed mess of some of the worst things in clothing: prison slip-ons, no socks, garish plaid shirts with pockets all over the place, and the cut off jeans as worn by toothless drunks on COPS. I expect to see lots of things on the subway, but people who look like a mountain climber that thinks “bath” is just a town in england, aren’t one of them. Not to mention the rude funk they’re sporting.

  17. You Just Made My List!on 12 Apr 2010 at 2:12 pm

    SanFran – Our hipsters, no matter the age, are complete assholes. For people who act like they want everyone to be an “individual” they sure don’t like it if you actually are. They are oddly aggressive about it (see critical mass).

  18. SanFranon 12 Apr 2010 at 2:19 pm

    #Jay: oh yeah – I concur: lots of these so-called urban woods”men” here…

    Listy: Critical mAss is a fucking crime. Way to go, Hipsters, inflame motorists at rush hour on a Friday to the point where when they do get out of the gridlock, they are willing to take out their aggressions on those of us who are just trying to ride safely home from work.

    I did have the pleasure of seeing a hipster get hit by a cab though, trying to dart across / unable to stop before – a huge intersection (Market and Noe, if anyone is familiar). The truly beautiful thing was that nobody stopped to ask if the hipster was OK, until another hipster came through. I didn’t stick around, but eyewitnesses were bent on defending the cabbie.

    Hipster was mostly unhurt, save for cuts and bruises to his body and ego, but his precious fixie was destroyed.


  19. Tommyon 12 Apr 2010 at 3:55 pm

    There are no hipsters in my ivory tower.

  20. billmigukon 12 Apr 2010 at 6:24 pm

    I hate these turds…mostly because their fake ruggedness infringes on the territory of manliness that was once the birthright of American males (and rugged country-ass women like my grandma, too). I doubt that most of these douchebags would be able to endure a day of chopping timber from sun-up to sun-down. And these elitist tools would surely cry if they had to kill their own food. I get sick to my stomach every time one of these cookie-cutter morons walks into my classroom. Attention, turds! You automatically fail. Don’t bother showing up for the rest of the semester. Arrgghhh!! You’ve really got me aggravated now, Listy!

  21. You Just Made My List!on 12 Apr 2010 at 9:13 pm

    Thanks(?) to some of you for introducing me to the word “fixie.” What a load of horse shit, I hate hipsters.

  22. Stephon 12 Apr 2010 at 9:25 pm

    @billmiguk. I agree with almost everthing you said, except for the animal killing. Cows, though cute, deserve to die due to the idiot factor. And I DO love a big fat T-bone. Bacon rocks, but I have to work out bacon issues with myself. Pigs are so damn cute and smart. I wish I were a Vegan. Shit, I suck.

    By the way, body odor and plaid shirts sucked in the ’90’s and it still sucks today.

    Listy, thanks to your awesomeness , I smelled that douche in your post, and in my damn head. Yuck.

  23. Edon 12 Apr 2010 at 10:01 pm

    You hit this one out of the park. Especially the b.o. part. Can’t they smell themselves? And the more disheveled, unshaven, and smelly they are, the more brilliant they swear they are. But at least I can understand the b.o. – it comes from having to be the engines on their 10 speeds. All that manual labor needed to propel yourself across town creates a bit of perspiration. It’s too bad that their brilliance hasn’t made them aware that the passage of time alone doesn’t make funk disappear. Some soap, water, and elbow grease are needed to complete the recipe.
    The ones out where I am are pretty harmless but they can chase you from the library or seat at the coffee shop with their funk. And when they pull up on their bike and wheel it into the store all dripping with sweat, you know what’s coming: that B.O forcefield don’t quit. Clear the lane. Stinky pseudo-hippies.
    P.S. Breaking Away rules and Dave rules. Refund? REFUND?

  24. Stephon 13 Apr 2010 at 1:21 am

    Ed, that is so fucking gross.

  25. ffafon 13 Apr 2010 at 10:55 am

    It’s not B.O. They smell organic. Haha

  26. jenniferon 13 Apr 2010 at 12:17 pm

    Ha! We have them in Toronto too. Big infestation around Dundas and Ossington.

    I read recently that Walmart now has their own version of a fixie bike. Not a true fixed gear, but whatever….


  27. jasonon 13 Apr 2010 at 3:57 pm

    you wanna talk B.O.? these ‘urban woodsmen’ or whatever got NUTTIN on…small theater thespians. omg are they unkempt, greasy, smelly, and basically a train wreck with personal grooming and hygeine.

    back to the topic…these guys remind me of the grunge people of the 90s. i liked the music, but always thought the grunge fans were asshats. so angry and angst-ridden about nothing, basically. they were white and lived in suburbs. come now.

  28. Kidical Mass! | You just made my list!on 14 Apr 2010 at 3:32 am

    […] realize I just wrote about bike hipsters a couple days ago and have already taken a shit on “Critical Mass” but this is child […]

  29. […] though the current sword fighting fad is mostly driven by hipsters who have grown bored of their fixed gear bikes and mustaches, one can no longer leave the house unprepared. Just yesterday I was challenged to a […]

  30. Critical Thinkingon 31 May 2010 at 1:32 am

    Hipsters, like most pieces of human garbage (i.e. most people), need to die.

  31. Bike cleavage! | You just made my list!on 23 Jul 2010 at 8:32 am

    […] something I love. I have also spent many an hour ranting about my hatred for the hipster bike craze but I think it’s time to talk about the ONE good thing about bicycles… BIKE […]

  32. ngon 02 Sep 2010 at 3:35 pm

    You ppl sound like a bunch of tools. And the author of this sounds like just another twinky who’s afraid of anything different than him or herself. I’m not a “hipster”…I don’t buy into these petty labels. And all this talk about “not conforming” and the irony of how “they” all look the same, ride the same bikes etc is bullshit. You most certainly are NOT an individual. Do you fix your hair, brush your teeth etc. and decide what outfit to put on when going out? Exactly. You’re just like everyone else.. You’re just in a different crowd of conformists than the one you’re making fun of here, Grow up.

  33. ngon 02 Sep 2010 at 3:44 pm

    To the author of this lame shit… There’s already enough hate in the world. Thanks for taking the time to spread some more.

  34. You Just Made My List!on 02 Sep 2010 at 4:01 pm

    NG – Jeeze, I heard you the first time. It’s not just me who hates you by the way, it’s most people. I’m sorry to be the one to bring you this bad news but it’s true, except for your hipster fixed gear buddies, the world can’t stand you.

    By the way, I GUARANTEE I’m less afraid of the unknown than you. This I can promise you.

    Now go put on your cut off jeans, messenger bag, hop on your bike and go ride around being hated by everyone.

  35. common senseon 09 May 2011 at 3:55 am

    Everyone loved the grunge era, but that too became capitalized and over-processed. There’s no such thing as individualistic, just FYI

  36. alexon 28 Dec 2011 at 7:40 am

    I bet you have never thought that people who pretend to be smart by writing hatefull comments on the internet are less useful than any other in this world. I am not a hipster but a passioned bicycle rider and i say that at least some people ride beautiful bikes while those that think they are special like you drive Gm cars and wear customs every day on their way to success.. Wow so impressing lives!… Now go on switch on your computer, be proud for your bravery to explore the world through net and die hateful from boredom…

  37. You Just Made My List!on 28 Dec 2011 at 1:18 pm

    Alex – Oh sweet Alex, your insult is as original as your temporary passion for bikes. Guess what, you fucking dolt, I live in fucking HAWAII and every single day of my life would crush your entire year. Don’t assume people who are sick of your predictable “fixie” hobby are not adventurous or interesting. Perhaps you are, in fact, simply a douche bag.

    P.S. If you aren’t a hipster why are you so angered by this post? Does the lady doth protest too much?

  38. alexon 30 Dec 2011 at 9:18 am

    List maker – Oh sweet List maker, were you insulted by my answer? List boy, I understand your reaction, it’ s the same silly logic that you used in order to reply to ng…but you didn’t bother being an asshole to the other guy, right? When someone, uses expresions “like you fucking dolt” you know he has to be an American moron… so you didn’t have to mention Hawai next time. And guess what there other beautiful places in this world, just Google them and you will be surprised! Ohhh… and i am not a hipster, i am an enthusiastic bike rider…and i were the same clothew like you!

  39. You Just Made My List!on 30 Dec 2011 at 12:51 pm

    Alex – OH, I get it now! You are one of those people who mindlessly hates all Americans. Now I understand everything. Believe me, there are A LOT of dumb things about America but imagine how bad it would sound if someone was to say something like “…you know he has to be a black moron.” Same thing and it doesn’t sound too good.

    Well well well, aren’t you superior to all the American morons? I mean, you’ve seen things on Google maps that most Americans can only dream about! I guess it’s the rest of us who need to expand our horizons, not the xenophobe who sits on his throne of knowledge hurling insults to an entire country. Such an open mind you have Alex!

    By the way, the BEST part about all of this is that if you had half a fucking brain you would realize this post has NOTHING to do with “enthusiastic bike riders,” it’s about urban fixie riding hipsters. I mean, it is literally the title of the post.

    Go enthusiastically ride you bike and think about where it all went wrong for you, Alex.

  40. alexon 30 Dec 2011 at 2:28 pm

    List boy you are out of topic at all… you write without any serious arguements just with bias about people, you judge ng in a very bad way, you are judged by me in the same way you answered him (it can be described as stupid or insulting) but still you don’t understand the point in this objection. And you are unable to write a sentence without using expressions that old ladies use when arguing like “my dear, OH” etc, irony and stereotypes.

    My reference about stupid Americans, i have to admit, was writen in a bad way and may sounded like what you described but it aimed to target your “stupid knowledge throne where you can hurl insults to other people” as you perfectly described… not a general “nation stupidness”…

    Enjoy Hawai and if you read my sentence again, you will find out that it reccomended you to use your so beloved internet to explore the rest of the world, after hipsters, since you already seem to know so much about people and places. I do not support them but i hate your “clever” style more than their dirt. In my country, however, they are not dirt. Anyway… And of course i will continue to enthusiastically ride my bike than ironically writing here. And i will think about it, will you?

  41. You Just Made My List!on 30 Dec 2011 at 2:51 pm

    I literally have no idea what you are saying.

  42. Sethon 08 Nov 2012 at 12:56 pm

    Racism towards fixie riders.

    Typical rookie american move right there.

    Who gives a f**k what they are doing, they don’t complain that you k**ts are a bunch of sheep following the accepted social norm.


    Get a life, this post is a joke.

  43. You Just Made My List!on 08 Nov 2012 at 1:09 pm

    Seth – Dear lord are you dumb. “Racism” against fixie riders? Huh? Secondly, please learn how to spell “cunts” you cunt. The best thing about you is that you call other people sheep but you couldn’t find a bigger group of clones than annoying hipster fixie riders. Now hop on your clone bike and ride that one little gear to the store and buy some soap to wash your cunt. Cunt.

  44. Chrison 10 Dec 2012 at 12:40 am

    I couldn’t agree more with this post. You hit the nail on the head in particular, with “Look, I get it, people like to be around other people with similar interests but does everyone have to be wrapped in the exact same uniform? Especially when your clique is supposed to be all about individualism and counter-culture blah blah blah.” That frustrates me almost as much as having to interact with them. The fact that the vast majority of them seem to be COMPLETELY fucking ignorant to what’s obvious to everyone else; They are a contradiction riding around on two wheels. There is absolutely no individualism about them or any sense of self whatsoever. They make for the most boring, regurgitated conversation you might ever partake in and contribute nothing to the environments in which they inhabit. At best, they are attention seeking children, still early on in the maturing process.