Apr 26 2010

People who buy cheap toilet paper!

Published by at 3:40 am under Jerks,Why?!?

Mr. Whipple don't squeeze the Charmin

There are times in life when we must balance comfort with money. Often times one’s financial situation wins this battle and you find a can of Milwaukee’s Best pressed up against your lips. But this is OK sometimes. It is entirely wrong, however, to find a stiff slab of cheap toilet paper pressed up against your butt lips!

There simply is no excuse for choosing toilet paper that feels about as soft as a lemon zester when perfectly good, triple ply quilted toilet paper is sitting right there on the shelf. What is this, Russia? The great thing about being American is that we can smear our feces on toilet paper so luxurious a princess would gladly sleep upon it. Not the feces… she would gladly sleep on the toilet paper!

Pooping is already a horrible experience as far as I’m concerned, so why turn an ugly situation into more of a nightmare? I don’t want to hear about your budget or the environment or blah blah fucking blah. Grow up, buy some real toilet paper and watch your life change, you dirty ass (literally) hippie.

What’s that you ask? Which brand do I allow to touch my sweet bottom? I prefer Charmin Ultra Strong or Charmin Ultra Soft. I mean look at this… you can drag a 3 pound block of shit across your table and it won’t even rip!

Be Sociable, Share!

12 comments so far

12 comments to “People who buy cheap toilet paper!”

  1. Jeffon 26 Apr 2010 at 3:50 am

    What exactly are you doing to yourself in the bathroom that requires something ‘ultra strong’?

    (and that’s a rhetorical question – no answers, please)

  2. Adion 26 Apr 2010 at 4:05 am

    Lol at :05 he looks like he cut his rump while shaving. If bears use it, then it’s good enough for me. Most of the shit bears like is awesome; salmon and honey and gutting hippies ring a bell?

    It even has diamonds quilted into it. That way when a guest in Casa de List has finished their business on the throne and reach for a square, they know that you’re only the highest of rollers.

    Movie theaters are the worst offenders, they charge 5$ for a watery coke and don’t have the moneys to furnish their establishment with something that doesn’t feel like sand paper? Villains.

  3. Jim Joneson 26 Apr 2010 at 5:12 am

    Nothing I hate more than “John Wayne” ass wiping paper. “It’s rough and tough and won’t take shit off anybody!”

  4. Saraon 26 Apr 2010 at 8:18 am

    4 out of 5 bears shitting in the woods prefer it. I can’t tell the diference between Charmin Basic and Ultra. but Basic is a lot cheaper AND always have coupons in the paper AND is always on sale at the big lot store…..I need to shop frugaly. I have a newly potty trained kid who likes to flush the end of the roll and see how much will go down untill the toilet “throws up”

    Its funny I just watched the Curb your Enthusiasm on this yesterday.

  5. You Just Made My List!on 26 Apr 2010 at 8:57 am

    Sara – Charmin Basic is not too bad, but I’m like Mariah Carey and need things to be just so. I don’t remember Curb doing this subject.

  6. Detective John Kimbleon 26 Apr 2010 at 9:14 am

    “Soft” Toiltet Paper doesn’t do it for me, they just feel like Kleenex tissues, as if my ass could cry. It has to be Ultra Strong or shit hits the fan.

  7. Kathyon 26 Apr 2010 at 9:43 am

    Amen. I’m sending this to my sister who buys Scott Tissue. That stuff is so thin you need half the roll after a good poo. It’s so thin that when you hold it up to your eyes, you can see right through it. It’s so thin that if you made curtains out of it, you would be arrested for indecent exposure. Come on. There are other brands that can be safely used with your damn septic tank.

  8. Yours Trulyon 26 Apr 2010 at 4:14 pm

    Hit the nail on the head, Listy. Worse than people who buy cheap toilet paper are the ones who don’t replace the roll after they use it all up. That happens frequently where I work, and one time I had to use paper towels to wipe because there was no toilet paper. Let me tell you, that was just awful.

  9. Jonathanon 26 Apr 2010 at 5:15 pm

    Scott tissue is clearly the work of terrorists. Sure, it’s cheap, but it’s completely useless. We use Costco’s Kirkland brand in our house, and we love it.

    Can we also add that people who put the roll in the “under” position suck? Why do you force me to reach an extra inch to get the paper??

  10. You Just Made My List!on 26 Apr 2010 at 5:35 pm

    Jonathan – Under is the WORST!

  11. SanFranon 27 Apr 2010 at 4:52 pm

    A joke I play every now and again when visiting friends is to flip their TP around. Personally, Under sucks balls, but to each their own.

    While on-topic, I don’t recommend traveling to Cuba, Listy: we were just there, and toilet paper is considered a luxury item, and nary is the time you find any to use.

    So, as a solution, when we’d have a meal, and there was a napkin, we’d use the tiniest portion for its intended purpose, or better yet, the inside of our shirts, and save the napkin for dealing with the meal when it came out the other end. Also, there are no toilet seats, just to add insult to injury.

  12. JDon 05 Jun 2010 at 8:03 pm

    Super soft, triple-ply paper is for pussies. Really….actual pussies. I don’t have one.