Apr 30 2010

Celine Dion and her back yard water park!

celine dion home water park

When I heard that melty face Celine Dion spent millions constructing a water park in her back yard for her ONE child, Rene Charles, I immediately knew I had to write about it but I had a hard time finding a justification for hating it so much. Then I decided, fuck it, it’s obscene and wrong, simple as that.

I am not some dirty, tall bike-riding hippie who thinks nobody should be rich. By all means, get rich singing your shit songs, have a big house and a fancy car, but at some point I can’t stomach ridiculous displays of wealth. What fucking 9-year-old needs a private water park? I’m sorry, it’s just kind of sickening when you think about the fact that there are millions of kids who go to sleep hungry every night. Now this is where Celine Dion fans put down their doughnuts (a rare occurrence) and chime in with “Hey jerk, Celine Dion has given X amount to charity.” I don’t care, I will never be on board with shit like this.

Plus, what kind of a monster are you creating when you treat your kid like king of the universe? When I was a kid, all of my toys fit into one toy chest and my childhood didn’t seem to suffer. Somehow I found the strength to face each new day even though a miniature Mercedes with a working DVD player was not parked in my driveway.

I swear to God, if one person says that I am jealous I will hunt you down and I will destroy you with my incredibly potent farts. I wouldn’t mind being rich but I honestly could never live like Celine Dion.

Sorry this one wasn’t very funny. Sometimes I just have to deliver hard-hitting, award winning commentary.

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23 comments so far

23 comments to “Celine Dion and her back yard water park!”

  1. Peteon 30 Apr 2010 at 6:54 am

    Near, far, wherever you are…little Rene Charles will go on…down and around the aquatic twists and turns of the Dion Waterpark Backyard. I hope a tornado or wildfire ruins it.

  2. billmigukon 30 Apr 2010 at 7:40 am

    I hate spoiled children. We had to swim in a dirty farm pond…too poor to even afford the $1.50 for the public pool. Stupid spoiled Canadian turds.

  3. Saraon 30 Apr 2010 at 8:41 am

    I duno, If I was an 9 year old and Celine Dion was my mom I’d wonder where my water park was.

    I worked at a hotel like 5 years ago. I still use that as an excuse to sneak into the hotel pool.

  4. JulieJulieJulieon 30 Apr 2010 at 8:42 am

    I can hear Rene Charles whining to his parents, a la Veruca Salt, “But I want a massive water park, Daddy! I want a big water slide, Mommy!” Probably the only way they could get Rene Charles to shut up for two seconds and lure potential kids to the house to play with their creepy-looking son is by building this monstronsity.

  5. Jonathanon 30 Apr 2010 at 10:19 am

    Fuck! I was literally about to post a comment asking you to rant about this obnoxious abomination of mankind. And her backyard water park.

    Personally, I wouldn’t be so mad if she had built a backyard hockey rink for her son, Canadian-style — but then again, he’d probably use it for (shudder) figure skating.

  6. Saskatchewwhat?!on 30 Apr 2010 at 10:31 am

    Long time lurker, first time poster. I agree with everyone in saying yes this is over the top, grotesque display of wealth and actually for a kid there maybe a water slide but the rest of it looks pretty boring if you are going for fun kid factor. However one episode of “Party Mama’s” and this doesn’t look as bad, although if this is located at one of her Canadian estates then it’s pretty much a waste of money as we only get maybe 4 months of pool weather up here.

  7. Tommyon 30 Apr 2010 at 3:26 pm

    Nice grammar in your penultimate paragraph pedo!

  8. You Just Made My List!on 30 Apr 2010 at 3:44 pm

    Good point (dick). I fixed it.

  9. Paul in Saint Paulon 30 Apr 2010 at 4:45 pm

    I think the analogy to your childhood would involve a Mercedes with a picture tube TV and a Betamax in the back seat.

  10. SanFranon 01 May 2010 at 3:47 pm

    you lost me at Celine Dion – no need to qualify your disdain. That backyard water park is simply a multiplier…

  11. Waterparks ruleon 02 May 2010 at 12:13 am

    You’re not jealous… you just think someone’s a jerk because they’re spending their millions in ways that you would not. Which… kind of makes you a jerk too, but hey – we’re only here to point the finger in one direction, not two. 😉

  12. You Just Made My List!on 02 May 2010 at 12:03 pm

    Waterparks – I’m pointing all 10 fingers in her direction.

    I AM AWESOME!

  13. Adion 03 May 2010 at 4:26 pm

    If i ever visit Celine Dion’s house, i’m going to wrap a snickers bar in a piece of TP (Charmin of course) and pitch it right at the bottom of the water slide.

  14. steveon 14 May 2010 at 2:19 am

    “Mommy! I MUST have another zebra!!!!!”

    Poor kid.

    He’d be better off with some sticks, some mud, a garden hose and a bucket. Lots more fun…

  15. You Just Made My List!on 14 May 2010 at 8:21 am

    Steve – You know, that actually is true. I’m sure he was bored with his water park by day two. Seriously.

  16. eddkatzon 16 May 2010 at 1:23 am

    What kid would not be bored within 5 minutes of playing by themselves in their backyard water park?

    Watch, the little effer will lure his pals over to play and drown them by suggesting they take turns stiking their peckers into the inlet for the pool filter.

    That would be poetic justice!

  17. Daveon 09 Nov 2010 at 5:10 am

    I hate lady gaga.Its not music its pile of crap!!!

  18. breeon 10 Dec 2010 at 10:13 am

    i think its a cool idea to have a waterpark in your backyard

  19. Emilyon 12 Jan 2011 at 11:29 pm

    Look if people have money it doesnt mean they cant use it to live in luxuary and btw my mom is bff’s with celine dion and they do dontate to the charity down the road!
    so dont make fun or say stuff and im sorry to the people that spend there lives swiming in farm ponds !
    i really am sympethetic

  20. You Just Made My List!on 13 Jan 2011 at 7:39 am

    Emily – Why am I unable to believe you when you say your mom is best friends (I refuse to use the term BFF) with Celine Dion? Although, you do sound like an idiot and I suspect Celine Dion’s friends would be idiots. Hmmm, Hard to say.

    If you need me I’ll be over yonder swimming in the “farm pond.”

  21. Wendyon 08 Nov 2012 at 1:20 pm

    why does it bother u so much…man I cant believe u would waste your precious time compalining…if u knew Celine, she gives tons to charity…..the fact that u are bitching about her awesome backyard does prove that u ar super jealous stinky pants….

  22. Wendyon 08 Nov 2012 at 1:20 pm

    lol

  23. You Just Made My List!on 08 Nov 2012 at 2:06 pm

    Wendy – Explain to me why you simply can’t be bothered to spell out the word “you.” It’s not cute, it’s annoying.