May 05 2010

People who use the massage chairs at the mall!

Published by at 3:13 am under Jerks,Why?!?

Massage chair at the mall

Can’t I just walk to Old Navy and return these cargo pants in peace without seeing your fat lazy ass getting molested by a robot in front of Cinnabon?

I don’t need to see you on the brink of an orgasm while you sit there getting a happy ending from a La-Z-Boy in your Everybody Loves Raymond T-shirt. And for the love of God, can you PLEASE put your shoes (Crocs) back on? Your dirty Frito toenails are ruining my appetite for Sbarro.

Is this “massage” a wise investment? Can you really relax while basking in the glow of The Cell Phone Zone? Luckily, you won’t need massage oil because the sweat of every Insane Clown Posse fan who preceded you keeps your little robot chair nice and lubed.

Congratulations, you found a way to make shopping malls even more horrible.

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29 comments so far

29 comments to “People who use the massage chairs at the mall!”

  1. rachelon 05 May 2010 at 7:21 am

    your thoughts on using massage chairs at the Fair…?

  2. Peteon 05 May 2010 at 7:30 am

    My king, you truly are a minister of culture. If aliens invaded and demanded to be taken to my “leader,” I would seek you out. This is another brilliant article that taps into WTF is wrong with people these days.

  3. You Just Made My List!on 05 May 2010 at 9:00 am

    Rachel – What? Is that real? It has been a long time since I have ventured into a fair.

    Pete – I agree, I am great.

  4. SanFranon 05 May 2010 at 10:28 am

    Malls are pretty much a worse-case-scenario for me – I’m with you here, Listy… And a massage from a machine…. no thank you.

    The critical component of any massage is human touch…

    Although, as a kid, on our many family road trips from MA to Florida, I used to think the Magic Fingers vibrating bed was pretty damn cool.

    “Put in a quarter, turn out the lights,
    Magic Fingers makes you feel alright…”
    -jimmy buffett*

    *that being, Jimmy Buffett from the early 70’s – not the contemporary ass shit.

  5. CDBon 05 May 2010 at 10:47 am

    Just yesterday I saw some lady in Bed Bath & Beyond getting a free massage from a chair and thought it was really weird that she was way to into it for her own good. I’m glad I’m not the only one that has to see such things.

  6. Perryon 05 May 2010 at 10:55 am

    Yes! I’ve always secretly thought to myself that those people are complete tools.

    And while we’re on massages, a vibrating chair is not a massage!!! There has to be some element of deep kneading for it to be considered a massage. If I wanted useless vibration for 20 minutes I’d save myself the dollar and soggy juggalo sweat and drive down a dirt road.

  7. You Just Made My List!on 05 May 2010 at 11:07 am

    SanFran – I’m old enough to remember coin-operated vibrating motel beds too. Dear lord, why were they ever invented? They were the exact opposite of relaxing.

    On the subject of Jimmy Buffett, my dirty secret is that I kind of love his early early early songs. I feel ashamed admitting it. Son of a Sailor? Come on, it rules! As much as I love his early 70s songs I hate his post-1979 catalog. Holy shit, he writes some of the worst songs in the history of songs!

  8. Jonathanon 05 May 2010 at 11:15 am

    This pisses me off:

    Why? Because all we hear about is how Americans are “cutting back” and “feeling the pinch” and blah blah blah. Yes, I know that a lot of people are hard up right now, but when we have so many hipster assfucks wasting $500 on a new glowing toy, I don’t exactly shed a tear.

    I work with a lot of freelancers who have no health insurance, shitty pay and zero job security – but they all have iPhones. What the fuck is wrong with people’s priorities?

  9. pigdooron 05 May 2010 at 11:48 am

    there are public massage chairs ?? cant wait to try one.

  10. SanFranon 05 May 2010 at 12:00 pm

    pigdoor: I misread and thought you were asking about ‘pubic massage chairs’… I think I could be into that, so long as they weren’t public.

    Listy: yeah, early Buffett kicks ass, no doubt about it, especially his late 60’s material. Not sure what of it you have, but I could hook you up with some rarities (for educational purposes only). My dark secret (not anymore!) is that I attended some 20 Buffett concerts in some 13 years. Growing up on Cape Cod kinda primes one for such things, I guess. I recall no more than 6 or 7 of them, and of the 20 or so I went to – I didn’t actually make it out of the parking lot party for a handful. Oh man, those were good times, the last of which was maybe 1998 or ’99, when the party started to get the attention of the authorities and the venue’s insurance company.

  11. Jim Joneson 05 May 2010 at 12:24 pm

    The woman in the photo looks pretty happy with her massage

  12. Moon 05 May 2010 at 2:26 pm

    Agreed… And now I want Cinnabon!

  13. You Just Made My List!on 05 May 2010 at 3:30 pm

    SanFran – Sure thing, hook a brother up.

  14. You Just Made My List!on 05 May 2010 at 3:31 pm

    Jonathon – I love Apple products but I don’t understand the iPad at all.

  15. SanFranon 05 May 2010 at 4:00 pm

    I’ve not met a single person who can adequately explain exactly what it is they do with their iPad. It’s usually like:

    “well, you know… it’s awesome for surfing the web and stuff…”

    …and nothing more.

    I’ve got a laptop that does all that, and then some – a device that is actually a profit center for me.

  16. Saraon 05 May 2010 at 4:07 pm

    The ones at our mall have asian people who will rub your feet to.
    Fun Jimmy Buffet story, my tour company had a bus of “Amish Parrot Heads” (yes that was their groups name) at the concert in Jersey last year. Aparantly while loading our group to go home some drunks were dragging their buddy who had been wasting away in margaritaville and passed out. I guess they got tired of carying him so they decided to put him in the luggage compartment of an out of state bus…..with only a bathing suit on… and no ID. We found him half way home and handed him over to the cops. Glad we didnt find him 4 days later when we needed to use the bus again!

  17. You Just Made My List!on 05 May 2010 at 4:27 pm

    Sara – Holy shit! I can’t decide if that guy’s friends are the biggest assholes in the world or the most awesome guys ever.

  18. Saraon 05 May 2010 at 4:37 pm

    The next day’s newspaper headline was “wasted away in cargo bay”

  19. You Just Made My List!on 05 May 2010 at 4:45 pm

    Sara – That’s hilarious!

  20. Adion 05 May 2010 at 5:34 pm

    A massage chair is just a shitty idea. If i want a massage i’ll go pay some hot chick 60$-100$ to rub me with scented oil, not for some plastic knobs to dig into my back while i’m trying to relax in a chair. I just have a hard time picturing a massage chair in any residence that doesn’t have a trailer hitch.

  21. Ericaon 06 May 2010 at 3:07 am

    Ok you…who are you? There is suspiciously no data on this website/blog/rant about who YOU are??? Are you in a top secret bunker somewhere working for the feds? Are you really a person or some gestalt entity created by the feds? It is making me crazy!

    I love this blog but feel compelled to know whom I am receiving my information from! Yes, inauspicious use of exclamation points is FUCKING irritating!!!!!!

    Can you just tell us a bit about yourself? I am not trying to stalk you…and I dont work for the feds (using that word is retarded, sorry)…:)


  22. You Just Made My List!on 06 May 2010 at 9:04 am

    Erica – I am very mysterious and sexy, like Batman. Unlike Batman, I do not live in my mother’s basement. In fact, I don’t even LIVE with my mommy! I’m actually a fully functioning adult. Many of the people on this site who hate me like to fantasize that I’m some angry, virgin troll but the truth is I have a great social life, I’m not ugly, I’m not fat and I have the most amazingly awesome girlfriend on the planet. Not only is she hot, she thinks my farts are funny. That’s all I ever wanted in life.

    What else do you want to know?

  23. Ericaon 06 May 2010 at 10:49 pm

    Hey, awesome! At least that is something. We are just so similar in our thinking and I also am not a fat, virgin troll…fully functioning adult but just really, really think 99.999% of the population are fucking idiots! Thank you so much for this blog, it has truly made me reaffirm that there is other human life out there that won’t accept Jill and Kevin’s wedding video as funny in ANY WAY!!!!! And I have been bitching about that stupid Calvin pissing sticker for 20 years now. Why will no one listen? Why must we be subjected to that on every stupid Ford F150 truck in America??????

    And regarding the farts…you might want to invest in one of these for your GF anyway:

    Can you believe this is a real product?

  24. You Just Made My List!on 06 May 2010 at 11:34 pm

    Erica – Wow, that is truly a wonderful commercial but what the hell, it traps your farts forever inside the blanket? No thinks, I like to let them fill the room!

  25. Oxygen bars! | You just made my list!on 07 May 2010 at 3:32 am

    […] about getting your fat ass massaged at the mall reminded me of another utterly useless form of relaxation. I am of course speaking of […]

  26. eddkatzon 16 May 2010 at 12:57 am

    Hey Adi.

    How much extra is a “release”?


    I mean think of it……

    Poor gal can’t keep a vibrator in the house because of the kids and the old man ain’t putting out… God, he probably drives her to the mall with a roll of quarters in hand to keep her off his ass!

  27. Dennison 25 Aug 2010 at 2:25 pm

    I wouldn’t have a problem as long as the stranger chick in the next chair provided the happy ending no machine can adequately handle, then go get me a fucking Orange Julius and get the hell outa my life.

  28. Ellenon 07 Oct 2011 at 12:18 am

    I use public massage chairs that do tissue kneading and arm massage. I’ll put up with looks from people who haven’t got a clue what the’re looking at because the work I do is very physical and a $2 or $4 massage chair which takes 8 to 16 mins beats forking over $90 or more for a massage of all the same areas which takes an hour, and when it may not be possible to get the person who can do it right $90 is alot for a bad massage. At least I can program the chair. Yes, I’m thinking of getting one for home, but don’t have $5000 lying around.
    Yes, also no health insurance and no job security – well, I can always fall back on being self-employed at least. I’ve never needed gov’t assistance. Massage and being aware of my own physical health and dietary needs helps keep me away from doctors and physios and keep going with less costs.
    Oh, and my iphone came free with the capped plan I got when the previous one ran out. Then it was stolen by some git who probably assumed I bought it outright. I have an ipad 2, because of the ability to get signatures directly onto pdfs for immediate sending, works like a small cheap laptop and because it could sync with my imac. Seldom use for surfing the web. Have found useful for alot of other purposes. I only bought when the standard of the apps and product was good enough for me to use it as a tool. Some of us do have good reasons.

  29. pennaon 22 Feb 2012 at 8:33 am

    these chairs are just masked sex toys for women. they intentionally bring on a forced orgasm. these chairs are all over the country and what’s worse is that very young girls are using these things and getting introduced to their private parts way too soon. the chairs should be banned.