May 06 2010

Bluetooth earpieces!

Published by at 3:33 am under I Don't Get It,Jerks

bluethooth douche

“Blah blah blah. Yap yap yap…”

“Is he talking to us? Is he a crazy person talking to a mailbox or is he a high-powered attorney?”

What’s that? You lost both of your arms in a farming accident? Great, you may use a bluetooth earpiece. You might still look a little douchey, but realistically people will mostly be staring at your stumps and will not even notice that dumb thing in your ear. It’s up to you.

For the rest of you two-armed humans, I implore you to stop walking around like some pathetic cross between the Pillsbury Doughboy and the Terminator. This is where you say in the fucking annoying voice of yours,”Shut up jerk, in my town it’s illegal to drive while talking on a cell phone unless it’s hands-free.” (Have you ever heard a recording of your voice? It sounds like a cat in a meat grinder.) Listen you pussy, break the law like a real man and quit cryin’ bout it.

I guess I don’t really care if you want to look like a tool walking around with that shit in your ear but stop looking at me and talking to your imaginary friend. I’m old and it confuses me! In my day, when someone looked in your direction while speaking it meant a conversation was being initiated or possibly a wise drifter was going to teach you a life lesson. Nowadays, apparently it’s OK to broker real estate deals 4 inches from my face and somehow I’m supposed to be the asshole for thinking you were talking to me.

I hate everything.

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29 comments so far

29 comments to “Bluetooth earpieces!”

  1. pigdooron 06 May 2010 at 4:42 am

    a phone that fits in your ear??wow cant wait to try one.

  2. rachelon 06 May 2010 at 6:43 am

    c’mon listy – you know, it’s for the d-bags that got tired of wearing them on their belts.

  3. Jeffon 06 May 2010 at 7:11 am

    Umm I’m no ‘expert’ but I think it’s BlueTOOTH.

  4. Peteon 06 May 2010 at 7:38 am

    George Carlin (the late, great) had a funny bit about these things: “Hey spaceman! You got a free hand? Great! Why don’t you JACK ME OFF!”

  5. Peteon 06 May 2010 at 7:38 am

    Jeff, I think actually it’s “BlueDouche”

  6. billmigukon 06 May 2010 at 8:41 am

    I’m so jealous of these tools. I wish I was a cyborg like them.

  7. You Just Made My List!on 06 May 2010 at 8:58 am

    Jeff – No, I’m pretty sure it’s “bluethooth.”
    (Thanks, fixed it)

  8. SanFranon 06 May 2010 at 10:44 am

    Listy: I’m beginning to worry a bit. That dude who hovered behind us last weekend as we had our weekend ritual of coffee in the dunes, wearing an inappropriate-for-the-weather leather jacket and a blinking Bluetooth earpiece (not talking, just standing there, stoically, waiting for a call, perhaps, for 15 fucking minutes) was you, wasn’t it. It was you because you overheard me bitching about people who wear these things as an accessory, talking on them or not.

    Here in San Francisco, it’s not exactly uncommon for people to talk to themselves – but, it’s become increasingly difficult to assess if the person walking towards you is, in fact, schitzo, or if they are just talking on the phone (or both). Walky-Talkies I call ’em.

    I don’t know if sucker punching is still in style – it was when I was in grade school – but maybe its time to bring that back, only instead of hitting their glasses, you give the bluetooth earpiece a good whomp. I bet that would hurt, a lot.

  9. Edon 06 May 2010 at 11:13 am

    They can take those things and shove it in their ear!
    I once saw a person being waited on while talking on one of those. I felt bad for the cashier. People are rude. They suck.

  10. Tommyon 06 May 2010 at 12:34 pm

    I got a set of bluetooth headphones so i can listen to music while i’m sciencing and I guess take a call if some misguided individual actually wants to talk to me.

  11. You Just Made My List!on 06 May 2010 at 1:09 pm

    Tommy – Hmmmmm, I guess that MIGHT be OK with me. Do you have both of your arms?

  12. Jim Joneson 06 May 2010 at 1:51 pm

    Don’t really care about people actually talking or looking like they are talking to themselves, but for fucks sake do they have to yell at the blinking piece of shit stuck in theie ear?

  13. SanFranon 06 May 2010 at 3:17 pm

    as an aside: Jim Jones… I thought you were dead all these years!

  14. kenon 06 May 2010 at 7:48 pm

    My grandpa died a few years ago and the funeral director (who’s not a bad guy, he’s handled a lot of funerals in our family) had that goddamn Bluetooth earpiece in for the entire wake and funeral. Never saw him take a call on it but lemme tell ya, if someone did call, he was ready for it. Most of it didn’t bother me that much but when you’re directing the pallbearers and guiding them as they place the casket into the hearse, out the fucking Bluetooth in your pocket, please. Respect.

  15. You Just Made My List!on 06 May 2010 at 8:19 pm

    Ken – Holy crap, that is classless. How connected do we need to be? I found myself over-checking my email and stuff like that when I first got my iPhone but I have forced myself to take it easy. I hate that I feel like I need/want to check my email while walking down the sidewalk or waiting in line. There are many things I miss about life without cell phones.

  16. SanFranon 06 May 2010 at 9:45 pm

    My iPhone recently shit-the-bed (I fucking love that phrase), and now I have in my pocket a borrowed Nokia that does nothing more than take and make calls. No camera, no interweb, nothing.

    I haven’t decided if I’m going to replace the iPhone or not, quite honestly. I was pretty good about leaving it stowed, and it is pretty damn handy when I’m at the beach instead of in the office… but.. BUT… yeah – you miss a lot when you’re connected. I was waiting in line today for lunch, and instead of catching up on reading a few blogs, I saw this asian woman haul a huge fucking booger out of her nose and wipe it on the side of the snickers box on the rack at the deli.

  17. You Just Made My List!on 06 May 2010 at 9:50 pm

    And with that story I am convinced to destroy my iPhone. When I think of all the booger smearing I might have missed I get chills. That reminds me, I saw two birds having sex today.

  18. ffafon 06 May 2010 at 11:37 pm

    So glad you posted this. Worked as a bank teller in college and i seriously dealt with this all the time. Just started referring to the as Turrets Customers.

  19. Andraon 07 May 2010 at 10:00 am

    San Fran and Ken– I bet the creepy guy and the pastor had those earpieces that look like BlueTooth’s but are really for hearing people’s conversation’s from far away. I believe they are called “listen up” or something like that.

    So the creepy guy was most likely listening to your conversation and I hold out hope that the pastor just had a hearing problem!

  20. JWon 07 May 2010 at 10:07 am

    This happened to me just yesterday at the grocery store. A woman walked up behind me while I was selecting the best red pepper I could find and said, “Hi hot stuff!” I turned to her, saw she was looking right at me, and politely said, “Hey, how ya doin?” I mean, I AM hot stuff, so why wouldn’t she be talking to me, right?

    Then she looked me up and down and up and down again in disgust and rolled her eyes. As she sashayed away from me I saw that fucking think in her ear.

    Oh, alright. I see. I’M the asshole.

  21. T.J.on 07 May 2010 at 12:27 pm

    I do hate these a lot. I am SO sick of these self-important people who can’t go old school and hold a phone up to their ear.

    The worst of this was when I was still a checker at a grocery store and when you’re in the checkstand, you’re supposed to greet them and all that good stuff, and they flat out ignore you because they’re on that damn earpiece,so I’d talk to the courtesy clerk instead. Now THAT will get them off the phone and your full attention.

  22. Jayon 08 May 2010 at 1:29 pm

    All bluetooth earpieces should be destroyed, there’s no reason good enough for anyone to own one.

  23. Tommyon 10 May 2010 at 5:51 pm

    I do have both hands but often need to use both of them when I am, for instance, running a mill making stuff

  24. UltimateChaseon 12 May 2010 at 7:22 pm

    The only bluetooth device I have ever seen that I approve of is the old fashioned Bell-style telephone handset at Cellphones are among the stupidest looking of technologies. I don’t know how to say this without seeming like a douche, but my personal style is sort of classic/retro. I wear a tie most of the time I shop for groceries and I prefer my technology to have wood panels and round knobs. I am also pretty fat. I hate tiny phones with tiny buttons and tiny screens. Bluetooth earpiece things are the worst. I have never seen anyone pull one off. They always look like they think they look like they are absolutely the shit, but in that little device in their ear just makes them look somehow dumpier and stupider. God damn it I hate those things.

  25. You Just Made My List!on 12 May 2010 at 7:26 pm

    Ultimate – I’m with you, old school all the way. The bigger the knob the better!

  26. bitter to the very endon 07 Jan 2011 at 12:02 pm

    So I work at an animal hospital. I’m a receptionist. Joy of joys. I love most animals, they do not speak and are cute. I hate their owners. They can all suck my dick if I had one. But I’m a girl, so, whatever, bite my nipples…HARD!! You assholes. This fucking idiot just walked in with his cat, came up to ME at MY desk, at which point I greeted this rat bastard. He then proceded to hold his finger up to me, with a “just a second” gesture, because he was actually talking to someone else. Excuse ME for not seeing your dumbass phone/head accessory/piece of shit/tool of idiocy. I just escorted him and his creature into the exam room, and that motherfucker is still yapping away. He hasn’t even spoken to me. It’s probably for the best. Because I have some choice words for this prize idiot. Jesus I am pissed!!! wsfuioqehguioqyofugtgq7iafgvy aeruyp

  27. pjon 24 Jan 2011 at 10:54 pm

    I wear mine during work but all I do is listen to music I don’t actually talk to anyone I deal with assholes all day so my Bluetooth makes my day go by faster. Idk if that makes mean dbag but I typically take it out

  28. You Just Made My List!on 24 Jan 2011 at 10:57 pm

    You are in the clear if you are just using it to listen to music. Just don’t walk around with it in public.

  29. LG Chickon 26 Mar 2011 at 9:24 pm

    I have a confession to make. I got one of the fuckers so that I could answer the phone in the car w/o causing an accident. My Dad was having some surgery, and I needed to be available to my Mom. What ended up happening was that I used it for “cover” to sing along with music. That way, when people looked at me funny, they’d realize, “Oh. She’s on the phone.” After a while, I finally decided, fuck it, and now I sing along with complete abandon, and I actually try to make eye contact with other drivers as I do this. I don’t ever wear the boo-toot anymore!