Jun 07 2010

Speed painters!

Published by at 3:35 am under I Don't Get It,Jerks

Speed Painting corporate events


You know what the world needs? The world needs another shitty splattery painty-paint painting of Jimi Hendrix. If only it could be painted in five minutes by a prancing nerd with a wacky “rock and roll” attitude… an attitude that says “I wore SHORTS to the U2 concert!” Oh, and can all of this please take place at the Motorola “May The Sales Force Be With You” conference in ballroom C at the Phoenix Radisson? Thank you.

Speed painting is to art what Sammy Hagar is to Van Halen. Speed painting is the Guy Fieri of  the art world! In fact, you know who I bet LOVES speed painting? I promise you Guy Fieri has a splashy speed painting of himself in that crazy rock and roll house of his.

Bob Seger + theater nerds + Jay Leno = the nightmares I will have on my deathbed.

Damn, that Credit Union Lending Direct party was OFF THE CHAIN! I guarantee he had the image outlined in pencil before he started “painting.”

Finally my love of shitty performance painting collides head-on with my love of church! Jesus Christ.

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13 comments so far

13 comments to “Speed painters!”

  1. Benon 07 Jun 2010 at 7:34 am

    This is the first time I’ve heard of this doucheyness. Although it can’t be easy to do, it is still incredibly douchey.

  2. Andraon 07 Jun 2010 at 7:56 am

    So glad you’re back!

  3. billmigukon 07 Jun 2010 at 8:16 am

    I remember seeing this shit on TV when I was a kid. Some ass-hat was doing the same shitty “painting” of John Lennon. As an artist, this garbage makes me hate everything about life. Somebody, please stab me like Elliot Smith.

  4. SanFranon 07 Jun 2010 at 10:25 am

    See, I get back from a trip, and Listy fires up the list again!

    Speedpainters, like most people who do things fast, suck. Just ask their wives and girlfriends, if applicable.

  5. Scannyon 07 Jun 2010 at 11:26 am

    These guys don’t have shit on Bob Ross. He only needed one 28 minute segment on public access tv to create a great work of art that makes you calmer than a cucumber. He didn’t do any of that gay dancing shit, he just mellowed you the fuck out with “happy trees”.

  6. You Just Made My List!on 07 Jun 2010 at 2:42 pm

    Scanny – Bob Ross is god.

  7. Yours Trulyon 07 Jun 2010 at 3:54 pm

    So speed painting ruins a good thing by singing about love and weird mystic shit instead of sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll?

    God damn, it IS the Sammy Hagar of painting!

  8. You Just Made My List!on 07 Jun 2010 at 3:56 pm

    See, I am always right.

  9. Adion 07 Jun 2010 at 4:48 pm

    Totally agree about Bob Ross, he wasn’t trying to impress a bunch of simpletons in a hotel auditorium, nor wearing trendy ripped jeans, nor jumping around like a twat. Bob Ross could produce the same sleepy peacefulness that a few hits of really good bud and a few drinks would, that shit takes talent.

  10. icecycle66on 07 Jun 2010 at 9:26 pm

    Listy, I have another group than can make your list.

    The United States Government. I quit my job working for the governemtn in St. Louis, and am now 1500 miles away working for a whole different part of the government, and I still can’t get your website at work.

    I don’t get the Installation block, or any SafeNet bullshit. The government ccomputers will simply not connect to your site. Oddly enough, they refuse to connect to mises.org too.

    That is some bogus shit man.

  11. You Just Made My List!on 07 Jun 2010 at 9:31 pm


    Quit working for our lame government and get a job at awesome Red Lobster!

  12. Jonathanon 09 Jun 2010 at 8:46 am

    You know what would make speed painting complete? Accompaniment from Celtic Thunder and Anthony Gargiulo!! Then it would be the perfect storm of shit that Middle America loves, and we would all be doomed. Then we could all go to the mall and get airbrushed t-shirts!!

  13. Hi Bobon 26 Jan 2011 at 6:00 pm

    speedpainters r not bad.