Jun 10 2010

The Urban Howdy Doody!

Published by at 3:15 am under I Don't Get It,Jerks,Why?!?

hipster ironic moustache suspenders

I’m going to keep this short for exactly 2 reasons.

1) I got home late after dinner and drinks at the latest trendy hipster whiskey tavern (more on that later).

2) My neighbors are going apeshit because we won the Stanley Cup and there’s a good chance our apartment will burn to the ground by morning.

3) There’s only so much to say about these assholes.

4) It’s late, I’m tired and I hate blogs.

Sooooooooo anyway. Tonight was my second trip to the latest hipster hangout in Chicago. It’s more saloon than “bar” and the amount of waxed handlebar mustaches and suspenders holding up tiny pants is staggering. Apparently now it’s cool to look 90s… 1890s. Just ask loyal reader of this amazing website, Erica, about the transportation of her coworkers.

My point is this… FUCK YOU, YOU RIDICULOUS BORING HIPSTERS.

My point is also this… I have coined a phrase for this new breed of precious turn-of-the-century hipster and all I ask is that you spread it and make it catch on. The “Urban Howdy Doody.”

Good night.

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24 comments so far

24 comments to “The Urban Howdy Doody!”

  1. Amanda Cateon 10 Jun 2010 at 4:25 am

    If my wish comes true, the entire city of Chicago will burn before you guys can have your stupid parade >:| Oops I mean… congrats I guess :'(

    Which brings me to: I’m from Philly (surprise, surprise) so I know these stupid hipsters all too well. Someone very near and dear to me recently got a pair of oversized, out-of-date, nonprescription glasses and our relationship hasn’t been the same since.

    also, lol @ new bread. they do look pretty yeasty.

  2. CreatureofHabiton 10 Jun 2010 at 7:10 am

    Fuck yeah Blackhawks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I am contiually astounded by your hipster posts.

    On one hand Boston is truly the last place that will have any of these people. The “hipsters” here ride fixed gear bikes. That’s really all it takes to classify you as a hipster in this one horse town. So I don’t know whether to be jealous that you have outrageous hipsters or thankful. I JUST DON’T KNOW.

    On the other hand, any town that is so fucking full of nerds and Euros that I appear to be a boderline rock star might be the place for plain little ol’ me. People here are scared of me because I don’t have embroidered critters on my pants.

  3. You Just Made My List!on 10 Jun 2010 at 7:37 am

    Amanda – I know, I had a lot of typos! It was late and my neighbors were running around banging pots and pans for approximately 3 hours. Sorry about the Cup and sorry your friend is such a douchewad.

    Creature – I’m surprised you don’t have Howdy Doodies there, Boston is so old timey.

  4. Xinaon 10 Jun 2010 at 7:46 am

    I think there’s something about hipsters and places that get cold enough that you want to kill yourself. We just don’t get these douchwads in Orlando. I’ll take 114 degree days in February any day of the week over waxed facial hair thank you very much. I don’t know, maybe we do have them and I’m just so out of the loop I don’t know about it. Bah, I’m old.

  5. Saraon 10 Jun 2010 at 7:54 am

    http://www.sharingmachine.com/ubersearch/ubersearch.php?search=steampunk&searchtype%5B%5D=content&searchtype%5B%5D=link&searchsite%5B%5D=MTTS

    Did you take those pictures AT the bar? That one guy at the bottom looks like he bought the mustache out of a candy machine. We have one at our grocery store that sells mustaches and sideburns that stick on. I’ll try to post a pic of my kid all urban howdy doodied out

  6. You Just Made My List!on 10 Jun 2010 at 8:06 am

    Xina – But the thing Orlando seems to have a lot of (I’m not sure why) is Goths, correct? I love the idea of the un-dead walking around sunny Florida.

  7. You Just Made My List!on 10 Jun 2010 at 8:10 am

    Sara – Funny.

    I didn’t take those photos. I tried to take some photos last night but it was too dark. I REALLY wanted to snap a photo of this one particular douche who had the whole package – he was a Howdy Doody with a fixed gear bike. I wanted to punch his ironic mustache right off his face.

  8. Saraon 10 Jun 2010 at 8:39 am

    I think you should go around ripping them off, like Elaine does to George’s toupee. If they have enough PBR in them it shouldnt hurt to much. Your doing them a favor

  9. Tommyon 10 Jun 2010 at 10:50 am

    More about the Whiskey selection listy.

  10. You Just Made My List!on 10 Jun 2010 at 10:57 am

    Tommy – Well, I don’t really like whiskey so I stuck with beer but from what I hear, the whiskey flights are very good at this dusty saloon.

  11. CDBon 10 Jun 2010 at 12:01 pm

    Don’t worry, all fixie riders will eventually get what’s coming to them. No medical insurance (because what job with benefits would hire a hipster) + bad knees. I’m all for the single speed bike but fixed gear bikes are TRACK bikes for a reason.

  12. calebon 10 Jun 2010 at 12:13 pm

    i can’t remember where i got this link from awhile back (or if i’ve posted it here before, if so i apologize), but it’s pretty funny – we have so many of these guys running around the twin cities. its not always a bad look if you are camping or hiking or building a cabin up north, but in the city? c’mon.

    http://nymag.com/guides/everything/urbanwoodsman/63407/

  13. You Just Made My List!on 10 Jun 2010 at 12:17 pm

    Caleb – Yep, lot’s of those guys at the place I’m talking about. Dear lord, I weep for the future.

  14. R-Boneon 10 Jun 2010 at 2:06 pm

    But Howdy Doody didn’t have a mustache…so…

    Maybe we call them Roosevelts? Rollie Fingers? Salvadore Dalis? Dali Fingers?

    Either way, I would set fire to any of their faces just for being within 10 feet of me.

  15. You Just Made My List!on 10 Jun 2010 at 3:05 pm

    R to the Bone – I was originally calling them “Urban Marionettes” but last night they all started looking like Howdy Doody to me. I guess it’s more about the whole package for me.

  16. Jonathanon 10 Jun 2010 at 3:24 pm

    I FUCKING HATE HIPSTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    The hipsters and the trusties are RUINING the great city of New York (along with the asshole billionaire developers).

    PS: If the long-suffering Blackhawks can win a Stanley Cup, then there’s hope for my beloved Islanders. Try not to hurt your back overturning police cars.

  17. Jayon 10 Jun 2010 at 3:26 pm

    Fedoras are the dorky look of choice in Los Angeles at the moment, haven’t come across any olde timey folks yet.

  18. Saraon 10 Jun 2010 at 3:26 pm

    Heronomus H Cumdumpster
    Phineus C Doughbag
    Asswipe W Poppycock III
    (thats pronounced As wee pe’ )

    I can make these up all day. To be honest I only see these guys when I venture to Philly, we still have lots of hippies with their ear plugs and filthy whitey dreads hangin’ around outdoor coffee shops.

    Sense listy wont recomend a whisky I’m going to recomend Canadian Mist. It doesnt realy have any nutty or brown sugar tones, but it does only cost $9 and the bottle is specialy molded for you to hold and drink at the same time. For the drunk on the go!

  19. Ericaon 10 Jun 2010 at 6:08 pm

    JESUS CHRIST the apocalypse is upon us!!!!!!! Are you sure you were not in a bar in Seattle???? I swear to mother fucking god that douche with the goggles and driver cap works in my building!

    What these fucking dandies need is for someone to take their god damned mustache wax and use for lube to anally rape them. I just DO NOT GET IT. I especially love seeing the retard riding his penny farthing around campus with an iPod…wtf? PICK A FUCKING CENTURY AND LIVE IN IT!!!

  20. Xinaon 10 Jun 2010 at 6:23 pm

    Florida has a lot of old people and alligators and not much else. We have something of a goth scene but nothing to stand up and scream about. If we were to have a goth crowd it would be made up of angsty teens that live in one of the beachy (but not spring breaky) towns that is where the Northeners come to die. My grandparents spend 6 months out of the year in one of those towns. The last I was there I think I may have been the youngest and goth-est person for a 50 mile radius. And I’m not even slightly goth.

  21. kenon 10 Jun 2010 at 9:50 pm

    Only two people are permitted to wear those waxed handlebar moustaches:

    1) Rollie Fingers

    2) Greg Norton (former Husker Du bassist)

  22. You Just Made My List!on 10 Jun 2010 at 9:55 pm

    Ken – True, Greg Norton was WAAAAY ahead of the curve and actually looked bad ass in that stache.

  23. CreatureofHabiton 11 Jun 2010 at 6:56 am

    Yes, Boston is old timey. But these mustachioed guys are like Civil War era. More like a Charleston vibe. Boston kicks it Revolutionary style: Witch hunts and pilgrims and puritans and shit – more like 1790’s. Now that is old timey. These douches don’t even know old timey! Fucking amateur hour.

  24. You Just Made My List!on 11 Jun 2010 at 7:47 am

    I’m sure powdered wigs will be the next hipster fad. Then togas and finally caveman pelts.