Jul 06 2010

Kleenex disposable hand towels!

Published by at 3:13 am under I Don't Get It,Jerks,Why?!?

kleenex hand towels

Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap…

That slow clap is for you, Kleenex, for having the balls to stick your middle finger up Mother Nature’s ass and say right to her face, “Fuck you bitch, you’re not the boss of me!” What’s next Kleenex? Q-tips made out out baby seal fur? HELL YEAH, fuckin’ go fuckin’ for it! BEER! (sorry, I’m still kind of amped from the 4th of July)

I will admit, I kind of hate the “green” movement. Not because of what it stands for, it stands for the RIGHT thing and we should all be more conscious about our impact on the environment, but rather I hate the way it has become the flavor-of-the-month for marketing agencies and an empty gesture made by most people. “Sure, I drive a Hummer but I also changed all the lights around the pool to compact fluorescent bulbs, so I’m doing my part.”

But come on Kleenex, disposable single-use hand towels in your home bathroom? Bravo! That’s like trying to sell “I hate America” T-shirts on September 12th. Although, this is one of the rare times I am wrong because people WILL buy this ridiculous gimmick because we (not me, you) are afraid of EVERYTHING in this country.

Kleenex will have everyone believing porn stars sneak into their bathrooms at night and jerk off all over their towels while their family safely dreams about EPCOT Center and Guitar Hero in their bedrooms. Oh, and those porn stars all have AIDS… and bird flu. Also, the birds had AIDS so they are really covering your towels in human AIDS, bird flu and bird AIDS. So if you are keeping score, that’s two AIDS and one flu. ON YOUR TOWELS!

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18 comments so far

18 comments to “Kleenex disposable hand towels!”

  1. UltimateChaseon 06 Jul 2010 at 5:38 am

    Why would anyone buy this for their home? I guess it makes sense for a public restroom (barely) but what the hell? I don’t even understand what value they’re supposed to have. Are people just constantly drying their hands one time and then having to put their towels in the laundry because they can’t stand to use the same hand towel more than once? Oh, wait, it must be that they can’t stand to use the same hand towels as the other people in the house. That is shitty. I would never be able to use a product this selfish and unnecessary without immediately thinking about families in other countries whose bathtubs are just a three inch puddle of water that they share with some zebra feces and a couple of birds. I’m all for opulence, but this just being a twat.

    “Check it out, my Rolls Royce has umbrellas inside the door. I never noticed that, awesome!” – Acceptable.

    “I can not stand to have our germs mingling on this hand towel. It is disgusting, we need to get ones that we can throw away.” – Unacceptable.

  2. Yours Trulyon 06 Jul 2010 at 5:47 am

    Well, I don’t like this product one bit. Why would you need a fresh towel every time you dry your hands? That’s just wasteful. I only replace towels once the bacteria cultures have become bacteria civilizations.

  3. Andraon 06 Jul 2010 at 11:55 am

    Your outrage pretty much sums up how I felt the first time I saw the commercial for this product. Ridiculous and Wasteful… how fitting that it is your first post after the 4th of July

  4. Erinon 06 Jul 2010 at 12:42 pm

    Yo Listy! This is the American Way! Don’t hate on disposable towels… it’s un-American. Happy Late Fourth of July.

  5. calebon 06 Jul 2010 at 4:54 pm

    when i was a teenager and my mom found out that i had been sexually active with several different girls, she promptly freaked out and threw out all the bath towels in the house and made me buy new ones. THEN she had me go get tested for STDs. which thankfully, i didn’t have. but she STILL insisted i use separate towels from everyone else, and i had to wash them separately.

    i’m sure my mom would buy these if she ever finds out they exist.

  6. You Just Made My List!on 06 Jul 2010 at 4:58 pm

    Caleb – Are you Amish? Caleb is sort of a Jesusy sounding children of the corn name.

  7. SuperSluton 06 Jul 2010 at 5:49 pm

    Jesus Caleb. So do you jump up from bed immediately after sex to wash up? (Rhetorical question)

  8. SanFranon 06 Jul 2010 at 6:51 pm

    I lick my hands clean, especially after a big, messy shit.

    can I interest anyone in some Nutella?

  9. Adion 06 Jul 2010 at 7:36 pm

    It’s a conspiracy to get you to use more paper which means your trash bag will fill up faster which means you have to buy more bags. Fuckers.

    Caleb how did your mom get pregnant with you parthenogenesis? Sex is hardly the grossest thing we mammals do.

  10. Ericaon 06 Jul 2010 at 10:43 pm

    Yeah, Caleb is a creepy name but this one takes the cake:


    In this case, the parents need to face a firing squad for that fuckedupedness.

  11. Karen Z.on 07 Jul 2010 at 8:13 am

    I like the Kleenex disposable towels. I have two sons. They are always having their friends over. Who knows if they are washing their hands well. At least when they dry them everyone gets a new towel, so germs aren’t spread.

  12. You Just Made My List!on 07 Jul 2010 at 8:26 am

    Karen – You are worrying WAY too much about germs! Madison Avenue has sold you a bill of goods and you fell for it. Germs are good for your kids, they need to be exposed to them so they can build up immunity. Plus, who cares, it’s just a bunch a dirty boys, sharing towels has NEVER killed anyone.

    Get rid of your disposable towels, your hand sanitizer and your anti-bacterial soap, they are all bad for your kids.

  13. calebon 07 Jul 2010 at 8:45 am

    i’ve never really considered my name all that creepy, though i have had it for 30 years now. in Hebrew it means “loyal”. but it also means “dog”.

    oh, and i’m definitely not Amish, nor is my mother – she’s just really afraid of germs & diseases. she’s crazy, but i still love her.

  14. Gaffion 07 Jul 2010 at 11:34 am

    You’re not the only one who thinks this way. Do a Google search, and you’ll see.

    Here’s my take on it…

  15. Jonathanon 07 Jul 2010 at 11:47 am

    Listy – THANK YOU for calling out the bullshit anti-bacterial/sanitizer/disposable towel market for what it is: BULLSHIT. Just like with bottled water, those industries have manufactured a need that isn’t there just so they can sell you shit you DON’T NEED. Stop buying this crap, people!!

  16. You Just Made My List!on 07 Jul 2010 at 11:51 am

    Jonathan – PREACH!

  17. Evan Dandoon 08 Jul 2010 at 1:45 pm

    This is the greatest idea in the world. A piece of paper you use as a towel. Kleenex has just reinvented the paper towel. Screw you Brawny. Oh, and screw you too mom and pop companies that make those long paper tubes.

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