Jul 28 2010

Hipster ironic 80s eye wear!

Published by at 8:17 am under Jerks,Why?!?

A couple weeks ago I attended the ultra-hip Pitchfork Music Festival. When I walked in the front gate, I thought I had possibly just passed through some sort of Michael J. Fox time portal to 1986. I was thinking, “Shit, have the past 25 years been a dream? Am I still in high school? Am I a virgin again?” Luckily I was still in 2010 and it was simply thousands of unoriginal, uninspired ironic hipsters walking around looking like extras on a John Hughes movie.

There are too many details to write about when it comes to these hipster turds, so I will focus on two unfortunate fashion trends that I thought I would never have to suffer through again.

Two-tone Ray Ban sunglasses!

hipster ray ban sunglasses

Life’s a beach, right guys? These glasses were dumb in the 80s and they are even dumber now. If memory serves me, this style of sunglasses was never actually cool in the 80s. They were usually cheap promo items with some company name stamped on the side, like “Newport” cigarettes or “Pert Plus” shampoo. Maybe that’s why they are cool now because they are anti-cool? I can’t tell anymore. All I know is that your funny, ironic sunglasses suck and you smell like Pert Plus.

Girls with giant glasses!

hipster girls big glasses

This is a new trend in female hipsterdom that is concerning to me, I call them “Mary Gross Girls.” With this phenomenon we see frumpy girls working their hardest to take their frumpiness to new heights in an attempt to make us think their frumpiness is totally on purpose. “I’m actually super sexy under these culotte shorts that accentuate my incredibly smooth mom-ish FUPA. This mess is all on purpose!” Oh yeah, and they wear giant mathlete glasses, blah blah blah.

Hipsters are boring, just like this post.

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29 comments so far

29 comments to “Hipster ironic 80s eye wear!”

  1. Jeffon 28 Jul 2010 at 9:26 am

    Listy – those are young people and what they wear is >supposed< to piss old people off. They're just doing their job.

    That said, I seem to recall you were a glacier glasses guy in the 80s. See any of those?

  2. You Just Made My List!on 28 Jul 2010 at 9:43 am

    Jeff – I think you are giving hipsters too much credit, I don’t think they have a big plan to piss people off, I think they are just lemmings who crave attention but also want to blend in with their scene.

    I never wore glacier glasses and I didn’t see any at Pitchfork. They won’t become popular until American Apparel starts selling them. I was always on a search for sunglasses that I considered to be “classic” 60s style. That’s an easy style to find now, but back in the 80s it was not easy. I kind of wanted to look like George Hurley on the back cover of Double Nickels on the Dime.

  3. calebon 28 Jul 2010 at 9:52 am

    personally i opt out of most fashion trends. i’m like William Burroughs – innocuous on the outside, freak on the inside.

  4. Jeffon 28 Jul 2010 at 10:00 am

    Are you sure? Someone I knew had them – and they would have gone along with your jean jacket look.

    I have another retro sunglasses idea, but I’m not sharing it until I find them and start the trend.

  5. You Just Made My List!on 28 Jul 2010 at 10:03 am

    Jeff – I think Kenny wore them.

  6. SanFranon 28 Jul 2010 at 10:27 am

    I’m with Caleb – Jeans and T-Shirt is my standard exterior treatment, but pretty much a complete freak inside, like that goo-filled chewing cum that was also popular in the 80s. CumGum, we called it.

    In other hipster-related news, the Association of Real Estate Agents here in San Francisco released the other day their revised district map, and they changed the boundary of two neighborhoods in a tragic way. What was considered the “outer mission” – a haven for hipsters, is now considered, in part, “noe valley” – a haven for well-to-do ex-hippies and yuppies and IVF-moms with hispanic nannies that walk their triplets down 24th st, showing off the latest stroller technology and style. This is a major, major hit to Hipster Cred here – now they will be forced to further compress into the Mission District Proper, and we all know what happens when people get condensed – they start to fight with one another. I’m selling tickets to the event.

  7. calebon 28 Jul 2010 at 11:24 am

    it’ll turn into a hipster ghetto, with it’s own black market for PBR, fixies, and mustache combs.

  8. Paul from Saint Paulon 28 Jul 2010 at 11:52 am

    Mathlete glasses are a welcome return in my book. I’d take Mary Gross back now, too.

    Are you against all oversized eyewear?


    I don’t think so.

  9. Tommyon 28 Jul 2010 at 12:03 pm

    I ironically had sex with a hipster girl a few weeks ago…I had a really hard time keeping it up.

  10. You Just Made My List!on 28 Jul 2010 at 12:33 pm

    Paul – Charles Nelson Reilly can do no wrong. I worship Match Game and his giant glasses!

    Tommy – Did she ride her bike over? Did her mustache tickle?

  11. calebon 28 Jul 2010 at 12:42 pm

    @Tommy – what’s ironic sex like?

  12. Jayon 28 Jul 2010 at 2:15 pm

    Neon sunglasses rarely look good on anyone, but wayferers are a classic style in my book. Oakley produces some cool ones in bold colors from time to time with their Frogskin model, but that’s about all I like from the brand these days.

    Hipsters take up a large portion of your list, Listy, is Chicago riddled with them or what? I find the meat-head sports crowd to be much more plentiful and annoying.

  13. saraon 28 Jul 2010 at 2:31 pm

    there’s a bunch of allanis morrisets in the back ground dressed different ways and acting wacky….don’t you think?

  14. noodleson 28 Jul 2010 at 4:03 pm

    I like this woman’s work, but she scares the crap out of me:

  15. billmigukon 28 Jul 2010 at 5:19 pm

    Thanks for pointing out the Mary Gross gals…but I think “ugly” may be a more correct term than “frumpy”. Or is frumpiness a step up from ugly? Is that what those hideous glasses are doing? Making ugly girls that nobody would bang into “ironically frumpy” girls that only Howdy Doodies would bang?

    p.s.-I am working diligently to introduce the term “Howdy Doody ” into the vocabulary of everyone I know. We may not be able to exterminate those bastards, but at least we can properly label them.

  16. You Just Made My List!on 28 Jul 2010 at 5:33 pm

    Jay – You have no idea how hipsters and Howdy Doodies have taken over this city. Meat heads and hipsters are more similar than you might think.

    Noodles – She’s a total Mary Gross!

    Billmiguk – Ugly is something you can’t help, but frumpy is avoidable and comes more form the way you present yourself. And THANK YOU for trying to spread Howdy Doody, it has taken off with many of my friends and I could not be more excited when I hear someone say it.

  17. T.J.on 28 Jul 2010 at 6:25 pm

    I agree, these glasses are AWFUL. I was hopeful that these would stay in 1989, but they did not and it’s just wrong. It does,however, give me license to make fun of these people. The 80s and 90s were a bad time for eyewear. The glasses they have in 2010 are stylish enough, there’s no need to go back in to your hot tub time machine (funny movie,by the way) to pick these up at your local LensCrafters.

  18. noodleson 28 Jul 2010 at 7:44 pm

    Yes she is a total Mary Gross, but much, much scarier.

  19. Ericaon 29 Jul 2010 at 12:04 am

    Paul – what about Harry Carey? And Swifty Lazar? Apparently the fucking huge specs they rocked have a name: Cazals.


    Fuck Jay-Z for even trying to look as cool as Sammy Davis Jr.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  20. You Just Made My List!on 29 Jul 2010 at 8:27 am

    Erica – This has changed my life. I want Cazals! Sadly I can’t do it though because I have spent so much time ranting about ironic fashion! Fucking hipsters have ruined my ability to be ironic!

  21. camon 30 Jul 2010 at 6:56 am

    Does this mean that my Burger King “Days of Thunder” neon sunglasses are hip and I can wear them?

  22. You Just Made My List!on 30 Jul 2010 at 8:12 am

    Cam – Yes and yes.

  23. joshon 02 Aug 2010 at 11:13 am

    hipsters and meat heads are practically identical!
    meat heads at least dont attempt to be countercultural, cool, deep, or unique.
    hipsters attempt, poorly, to be all these things, yet are the most narrow minded, boring, and shallow group of losers yet.

  24. You Just Made My List!on 02 Aug 2010 at 4:47 pm

    Josh – 100% correct.

  25. pigdooron 04 Aug 2010 at 9:01 am

    that chick in the poca dot top is pretty cute.

  26. sim1on 11 Oct 2010 at 12:25 am

    Holy shit it’s like you’re in my goddamn head. I ride the blue line everyday and they inundate the train in the morning between California and… well, shit, downtown. It pleases me to hear you speak out against this hipster jerkoff tsunami. Riding fixed gear bikes are one thing but turning your nice slacks into shorts and wearing boat shoes while listening to boring music is another. And seriously when did not washing your hair become fashionable. See comment for don’t talk to me McDonald’s guy for related sentiment.

  27. Nameless L.O.S.T. Extra - Soon deadon 13 Feb 2011 at 5:09 am

    Took me a FULL 45 seconds to realize the guy on the right is in fact, a guy. wtf.

  28. […] Of course, If you had told me ten years ago that it would someday be socially acceptable to wear two-toned 80′s sunglasses and a preferred origin of meals would be from self-propelled kitchens, I would have had to request […]

  29. montyparkon 16 May 2011 at 8:43 pm

    I like it. Those girls are cute and I’d rather that than ever more thigh-huggers and whatever.